Episode 23: It’s perfectly normal for a girl to like another girl
By December, snow falls as a matter of course in this town.
The schoolyard visible through the cloudy windows of the school building is covered in snow, a monotonous, featureless expanse of white.
I hear Tokyo rarely gets snow that sticks, but is that really true?
So, could this be the last year I get to see a scene like this?
Thinking that, even a view I’d normally take for granted seemed tinged with a certain melancholy.
When you reach your third year of high school, everything gets a “last” attached to it.
The last school festival, the last sports day, etc…
Sadly, I never got to make memories of typical high school events with Mizuki, but I’m satisfied we managed to go see the fireworks together in summer.
But who’d have thought that in the winter of my third year, the girl I’d always liked would suddenly start flirting with me so intensely? Life really is unpredictable.
“Hey, Nana! Christmas’ coming up soon. Still not getting a boyfriend this year?”
During lunch break on a snowy day like this, Maki came over to me from her usual seat further away. She plonked herself down on my thigh as if it were the most natural thing in the world and said that.
I loosely wrapped my arm around her waist to keep her from falling.
“A boyfriend? Nah, I’m fine. I’m too busy studying to bother with romance.”
I know everyone gets eager to find boyfriends around this time of year.
In a girls’ school in the countryside with no boys, the standard way to get a boyfriend is to introduce each other to classmates from junior high or use your connections to try and connect with boys.
I’ve introduced a few of my classmates to male classmates from junior high myself. Though I haven’t been introduced to anyone myself, at least not yet.
“Nana, you haven’t even got one boyfriend. Are you really going to finish high school still a virgin? I could introduce you to some boys. With your looks, you’d have plenty of suitors.”
Still a virgin…
Hmm. I don’t think being non-virgin is some kind of status symbol, but maybe for straight girls it is?
That’s a personal value judgement, and I don’t mean to deny it, but at least for me, I only feel sexual desire for people I like, and I don’t want to have sex with someone I don’t like.
So I can’t release this desire, and I’m always suffering because of it…
Maki, who’s a romantic at heart, changes boyfriends constantly.
She’s out with a different guy every season, so it’s really hard to remember all her boyfriends’ names.
Before her current boyfriend, Kou-kun, it was Maa-kun, and before Maa-kun it was Yu-kun, and the one before that… I’ve already forgotten.
“…How on earth does Maki meet so many boys?”
“Instagram!”
“Instagram…”
Seriously? That’s impressive, the sheer intensity she puts into romance. I couldn’t manage that.
“…I just can’t see myself wanting to date someone I don’t like.”
“But for you, Nana, it’s not even about liking them, is it? You’re not even looking for encounters.”
“Well… maybe you’re right about that.”
An utterly irrefutable point. All I could do was give a wry smile.
“You should just go out with anyone, anyone at all. You might end up liking them.”
“What if I don’t?”
“Just break up then.”
“It’s not that simple, is it? When two high schoolers date, it doesn’t just end with holding hands…”
“Oh, is that what you’re worried about? It’ll be fine. It hurts at first, but you’ll get used to it eventually. Just give everything a go!”
Maki laughed, teasing me.
“I don’t need to take on such pointless challenges!”
Fuming, I pushed Maki’s back with my palm as she sat on my lap.
Maki promptly hopped off my lap, stood up, adjusted her skirt hem, turned around, and flashed me a big grin.
You might think that being at an all-girls’ school means no opportunities to meet boys, or that everyone’s clueless about such things, but you’d be dead wrong.
Surprisingly enough, there are proper chances to meet boys.
Even that quiet, serious-looking girl who always sits at the back of the class, and that tomboyish girl who used to be the star player on the basketball team – they both have proper boyfriends. Everyone’s moved on and grown up way, way ahead of me.
Oh dear, am I the only one lagging behind?
Even if they look serious and seem like they only study, they’re still properly interested in boys’ lower halves. Schoolgirls are strange.
I just don’t understand how everyone can get physical so easily.
Can this balloon-like, swollen desire even be released if I were to direct it at someone else, not Mizuki?
I don’t know. I’ve never experienced it.
I do think I’d like to try it someday, but I still hate boys. I definitely want a girl.
“Nana-chan’s still a pure-pure little girl, isn’t she? Good girl. You’re fine just as you are, Nana. Stay pure forever.”
I brush away Maki’s hand as she messes up my hair.
“I don’t want to have some half-arsed romance and sell myself short. I won’t settle unless it’s someone I genuinely like.”
“Mm-hmm, as your friend, I hope you find someone you can truly love, and until the day comes when you do that sort of thing, I want you to treasure it carefully and not just throw it away carelessly. Your steel-plated hymen.”
“Mind your own business!”
I kicked her shin hard, and Maki let out a carefree laugh, “Ahaha!”
“What a waste. Nana, you really aren’t interested in men at all. Ah, I get it! Could it be you actually like women? Am I right?”
Thud. An arrow struck straight for my heart.
To hide my shock, I fixed my gaze, barely moving my eyes, and looked at Maki with my usual expression.
“…Stop it. Do I look like that? That’s kind of shocking.”
It’s fine. I can cover it up. I’ve managed to hide it well like this until now.
The only one who’s seen the real me is Mizuki. For now, anyway.
“Ahaha, just kidding! No way, no way!”
My palms were sweating from the tension.
That’s right, I actually like girls. I’m not the slightest bit interested in boys.
The truth surfaces in my mind.
Just one sentence. Yet I simply can’t say it.
“Girls dating each other? I just don’t get it. Apparently there are couples at our school too, but isn’t that just because there aren’t any boys? They’ll probably snap out of it after graduation, but it’s weird, right?”
Maki, please, let’s drop this.
If only I could say that.
“…Yeah, it is weird, isn’t it?”
My mouth just moves on its own, protecting itself.
Maybe there’s someone just like me in this classroom right now, and I’m stabbing them with my words.
They must feel unbearably uncomfortable.
If you’re here, I’m sorry, someone just like me. It’s because I’m weak.
It’s painful. I really can’t tell Maki after all. Or rather, I can’t tell anyone, and I don’t want to either.
Maki’s reaction is perfectly normal. She’d never imagine her friend sitting right in front of her could be like this.
The fact that Mizuki accepted me without denying who I am felt like a miracle.
“…Even if a girl likes another girl, there’s nothing strange about it.”
Suddenly, a voice unfamiliar to the classroom echoed through the space.
Everyone in the class, hearing a voice they rarely recognised, fell silent as if water had been poured over them.
I knew the owner of that voice all too well, and I couldn’t help but turn my head towards it.
Mizuki lifted her face from her desk, rubbing her eyes sleepily.
「……Eh? Do you fancy girls, Kase-san?」
Maki asked, looking taken aback.
Mizuki stared straight at Maki.
「No, it’s not exactly like that. But I don’t think it’s strange. It’s not something others should be telling me what to do about.」
A complex mix of feelings welled up inside her – something like happiness, something like sadness.
”Not exactly like that”… huh.
Hearing Mizuki clearly state she wasn’t into girls, even though I knew it, felt like being told outright there was no hope. It hurt.
I knew Mizuki had said it thinking of me, so I really ought to be glad.
I hated myself for getting hurt like this, after being defended by the girl I liked.
Mizuki’s sharp remark left Maki speechless, scratching her cheek with her index finger.
Maki is insensitive and foolish, but she’s not fundamentally a bad person.
It’s just that the valve deep in her throat, which everyone has, is broken and loose, so whatever she thinks inside her head flows straight out of her mouth unstoppably.
She doesn’t mean any harm. It’s alright… I understand that perfectly well.
I mustn’t dwell on the pain, must keep facing forward, must become stronger.
If I keep getting hurt by every little thing and stopping in my tracks, I’ll never survive in this world full of prejudice.