Episode 55 (Helena’s POV): “How I Really Feel”
“Um — the, the bags, I’ll carry them, so…”
Fiine spoke up just after the two of them had finished buying the ingredients for dinner.
They’d bought in bulk, getting ready for a family dinner together.
Magic dolls apparently couldn’t eat, but tonight there’d be two guests at the table. So, for the first time in a while, they’d bought a lot.
“I appreciate it, but it’s fine. Carrying the bags has always been my job.”
Kevin laughed, a heavy sack in each hand.
But Fiine shook her head.
“It’s just — today, instead of the bags, I thought maybe you could hold your wife’s hand instead… I’m sorry if that’s overstepping.”
Kevin’s eyes went wide, and he slowly turned to look at Helena.
Helena held out her hand and smiled brightly.
“My hands are free.”
“Well, that settles it, then.”
Kevin bowed his head — if you don’t mind — and handed the bags over to Fiine.
She took them with a lightness that seemed almost shocking, given how slight her frame was; where was she even keeping that strength?
(Fiine really does pay attention to people, doesn’t she…)
Watching him with both hands full of bags, Helena had felt a small pang of loneliness.
Fiine must have noticed how she felt.
Maybe it came with the job — running a magic doll shop probably made a person sensitive to other people’s emotions.
“Hey. Before we head home, can we talk for a bit, just the two of us? There’s something I want to ask you about.”
“Of course.”
There was still time before they were due to meet up with Adam and the others.
Even so, she didn’t want to keep them waiting too long.
She led the way, quick-paced, to a nearby bench.
“So — actually, Adam wants to ask you about dealing with monsters. He’s all fired up about taking your place and protecting the fields from them himself.”
“…I see.”
Kevin let out a long breath.
“But I’ve been thinking about moving. Leaving the fields to someone else and going back to my parents’ house. My mother’s in favor of it too. Adam hates the idea, but…”
Because she’d left home in something close to an elopement, her relationship with her parents hadn’t been good.
But when they heard about Kevin’s death, they’d come, and held Helena again and again as she cried without stopping.
They’d helped with every step of the funeral, and told her more than once to come home.
“…Your mother said that?”
“She did. But Adam’s completely against it — he says he’s absolutely staying in this village no matter what… so I wanted to ask what you thought.”
“Hey, Helena.”
Kevin took her right hand and held it tight.
“What do you want to do? Do you want to go back to your parents’ place? Or do you want to stay in this village?”
“I…”
“I want to know how you feel. You might get mad at me for saying this, but to me, you matter more than anything.”
There was no way she’d get mad. There was no way she could get mad.
That was the very thing that had saved her, so many times before.
“…I—”
Since Kevin had died, she’d hardly ever said what she actually wanted.
As a mother, as a wife who’d lost her husband — she’d spent all her time thinking about how she was supposed to behave. Her own feelings always came second; she always told herself she had to think of the children first.
(But I have feelings of my own too.)
She drew a small breath.
As if urging her on, Kevin gently rubbed her back.
“I want to stay in this village. There are so many memories here with you — so many…”
They’d rented a small house and lived there together, and she’d started cooking, clumsy as she was.
He’d always eaten every bite, even when she failed. Sometimes he’d tell her the food was bland, and they’d argue about it — I’m trying my best, she’d say.
They’d taken so many walks together. Gone out shopping together. She’d made him lunches and brought them out to him while he worked the fields.
She’d told him she wanted him to eat it freshly made — that was the excuse, anyway. The truth was she just wanted to see him, even for a moment.
After Adam was born, the three of them had gone out together often too.
Once Adam came along, they’d naturally gotten to know more people — trading goods with the villagers, sometimes sharing meals together as a group.
Kevin’s work had taken off, the fields kept growing, and eventually they’d left the rented house behind and built a proper one of their own.
Once Mary was born, Adam had suddenly started acting like the grown-up older brother. So the two of them had gone out together sometimes, just to spoil him a little.
This village was full of memories she never wanted to forget. Everywhere she went, something reminded her of Kevin.
(So really, I want to stay here forever…)
Tears welled up, and she looked down without meaning to.
Hearing him say it’s all right in that gentle voice only made her cry harder.
“If Helena still wants to be here, then maybe now isn’t the time to leave, after all.”
“You…”
“Besides, Adam and the others won’t be kids forever. By the time I was his age, I was already out in the fields helping my parents.”
He stroked her head gently. Like a child, Helena leaned into his hand.
“Well — there’s only so much I can pass on to him in a single day, though.”
Just as Kevin laughed at himself a little, Fiine — who’d kept her presence hidden the whole time — spoke up with an “um—.”
“…It would be possible, to a degree, to present things a bit more impressively than the plain facts, if you’d like.”
According to her explanation, doll-Kevin could use magic through her power, and if operated, could even be made to fight monsters with a weapon.
In other words, he could be presented to Adam exactly as the “amazing father” Kevin had always liked to boast about being, back when he was alive.
“For instance — if the two of you would rather your son not go near monsters at all, showing him an overwhelming display of power could convince him that ‘this isn’t something I could ever do.’”
She was clearly choosing her words carefully, earnestly offering what she could.
But Kevin shook his head at once.
“Thank you. But I’m not going to lie to him. Besides…”
He let out a slow breath, then slowly looked up at the sky.
The sun had already begun to sink, little by little.
“There’s plenty an ordinary person can do too. I think that, and I’m sure the rest of the village does too. I want Adam to understand that, properly.”
Fiine nodded, looking faintly puzzled.
Maybe, to a gifted mage like her, what Kevin was saying just didn’t quite land.
“Understood. Then we’ll do as you wish.”
Bowing her head, Fiine once again put some distance between herself and the two of them.
◆
“Welcome home, Mom, Dad!!”
The moment they got home, Adam came bursting out full of energy.
Mary was asleep on the sofa, and a sketchbook had been left out on the table.
It looked like they’d been drawing pictures together.
“Welcome back, both of you. The two of them had a lot of fun playing.”
Seeing Yuria’s bright smile put her at ease.
Adam always insisted he was fine being left home alone with his sister, but Helena still couldn’t bring herself to feel comfortable leaving the house.
“Mom! While you’re making dinner, I’m gonna go out to the fields with Dad for a bit, okay?”
“All right.”
Watching the two of them walk off hand in hand, she couldn’t help the ache in her chest.
But this wasn’t the time to cry.
(Tonight is the last night we’ll all spend together as a family.)
Unfortunately, Kevin couldn’t eat.
Even so, she wanted to make every one of his favorite dishes, as much as she possibly could.