Digression ➁: For Whom the White Plate

While shopping at the mall, I passed by a furniture and interior design shop.

I didn’t particularly need any furniture at the moment. As I was about to walk past the shop as usual… I suddenly recalled the Christmas party I’d spent with Uehara-san the other day.

It might have been nothing more than a verbal agreement, but Uehara-san and I had discussed having another party together next year.

　If we take photos like we did this year… thinking about how they’ll look, wouldn’t it be better to have proper tableware ready for her sake?

In the tableware section, I examined several types of plates. Since I’d be using them myself, simple white plates would probably be best. Two dinner plates… would two be enough? Which of these two would be more practical? …Which would she choose?

　As I hesitated, the conversation of a couple around my age nearby caught my ear.

“I definitely prefer these! What do you think, Ren?”

“They’re cute, but I reckon I’d rather have the dishwasher-safe ones.”

Judging from their chat, they’d probably just started living together recently. As I moved around, careful not to disturb the pair excitedly discussing which tableware was best and which was cutest, I couldn’t bring myself to pick up any plates.

　Even though we were looking at the same tableware, I couldn’t believe that couple and I lived in the same world.

I’ve never considered living with someone. I can’t even imagine living with someone I like, let alone marriage.

That couple will probably build up, bit by bit, one thing at a time, the irreplaceable society called a family. I think it’s amazing. Because it’s something you can never achieve alone.

　I’d understood this for a long time. But being confronted with reality so starkly, I felt a shadow fall over my heart.

I felt like I didn’t belong here.

“…Miss, are you alright?”

I snapped back to attention and looked at the person who’d spoken. It was the woman from the couple earlier, looking at me with a concerned expression.

“Ah, I-I’m sorry. I’m fine…!”

　Staring blankly at a single point in a place like this, it was hardly surprising anyone would think something was wrong. Feeling both embarrassed and apologetic, I hurried to leave when she called out:

“Excuse me! May I ask you something? Which plate do you think is nicer?”

I was taken aback by her ease in striking up conversation with a complete stranger. She seemed like someone from a completely different world to me, dizzyingly so.

“No, I’m afraid I’m not confident in my taste…”

“It’s alright! Just go with your gut feeling, miss!”

She was being far too pushy. Was it because I was too plain? She seemed to think I was much older… Honestly, it felt quicker just to pick one and leave the shop.

“Well, purely based on my preference… I rather like this simpler plate better.”

　When I replied like that, her mood visibly dropped.

“Oh, I see…”

“…Did I say something wrong?”

My question triggered her, and she launched into a torrent of complaints about her boyfriend. Apparently, they’d argued because they couldn’t agree on which plate to buy.

Well, now I was stuck listening to this incredible machine-gun monologue. I was utterly flummoxed. After all, listening to a stranger’s complaints left me utterly clueless about how to respond.

“Well, I did start worrying whether we’d be alright together if we can’t even agree on a plate, but then I realised there’s only room for growth! I’m actually looking forward to it now!”

While I remained silent, she laughed as if she had noticed anything. …Seemed she’d wrapped things up herself.

“Huh… I see.”

“Did you come to buy plates, miss?”

“Well, yes… but I just don’t know what to choose…”

She grinned.

“Are you perhaps thinking of using them with someone? When you picture someone’s face while choosing something, it’s such a happy feeling, isn’t it! You get all excited while picking, and imagining their reaction makes you grin – it’s nothing but fun!”

“…Even if that person isn’t someone you’re dating?”

“Of course! Even if it’s just a crush, daydreaming about it is fun. And honestly, don’t you get excited when you’re thinking about a present for a friend?”

—Perhaps I’d been thinking too much about Uehara-san, my mind had become rigid.

　When Uehara-san handed me that souvenir from Hokkaido, I thought, ‘Because buying souvenirs requires thinking about the person, I was really happy to receive it.’

“Yes, that’s right. I suppose I was overcomplicating things.”

Satisfied with my reply, she declared, “Right then, I’m off to make up with Ren-kun!” and headed out of the shop, smartphone in hand.

After seeing her off, I picked up one of the displayed plates.

　If merely ‘thinking’ about it were permissible.

So here I am in this furniture shop, looking at tableware. I wish someone were beside me to exchange opinions with – this won’t do, that might work. It couldn’t be just anyone, though, nor someone I could picture concretely.

For instance, if she were there when I got home from work, having prepared dinner.

On holidays, standing side by side in the kitchen, cooking together would be lovely too.

　Me reading a book on the sofa, her lying down playing with her phone. We wouldn’t need to do anything special.

Just living ordinary things, just living the plain everyday life that simply exists – if she were there beside me then… I think that would be very, very lovely indeed.

Though I mocked myself for imagining such a distant future, I felt I saw her phantom in the white plate.

　‘Did you get this for me? Thanks, Sensei.’

Dutiful and fond of teasing me, she’d surely say that and laugh.

…It’s not as if I’m buying them assuming we’ll be together in the future. I remembered why I’d come to the shop in the first place.

If it’s just a little further ahead… a year from now, would it be permissible to imagine?

I placed several plates I’d chosen myself into the basket.