Episode 30: After We Did It Once, Did I Become Completely Irrelevant to You…?

The unforgettable Christmas passed, the new year dawned in the blink of an eye, and winter break ended.

With the Common Test looming, the classroom was packed with students enveloped in a tense atmosphere. The sound of pens scratching and pages turning echoed from all corners like surround sound.

　Only those who had already secured university places spoke in hushed tones, as if holding their breath in the classroom.
Once the Common Test was over, attendance would become voluntary. The blossoming high school life was finally drawing to a close.
The three years of high school life had, somehow, flown by in the blink of an eye.

　Though we all started out side by side, following the same rules, it seemed we were each ending up on different paths.
From now on, everyone would head off in their own direction. There might even be people in this classroom I’d never see again.
On the day of the entrance ceremony, I could never have imagined high school life would slip away so smoothly.
Even Mitsuki, who used to sleep through every break between lessons without speaking to anyone, now had her notebook open and was studying.

　For Mitsuki, who was aiming for just one university, this was the crucial time to really buckle down. Since that Christmas night, I hadn’t gone to see her even once.
Even during the winter holidays, Mitsuki sent me photos of Tasuku wearing a little light green hanten coat, his cheeks bright red, and videos of him crying his eyes out after being made to carry a one-koku rice cake for his birthday.

　Each time a brief message arrived from Mitsuki, I replied with an even shorter one, careful not to burden her.

Ever since that night, I’ve felt utterly ungrounded.
I was so utterly resolved to ‘go to university in Tokyo’ – yet now that resolve wavers.

It’s ridiculous, isn’t it? Why does a single night of sex make me feel like I’ve become special to Mitsuki?

　Mitsuki said nothing would change, but that wasn’t true.
I’d never been this carefree, this prone to optimistic delusions before.
The deep claw marks Mitsuki left inside me had undeniably twisted something within me. That much was certain.

　Choosing a university is a life-changing decision.
Depending on the common test results, Mitsuki’s target university is within my reach too.

What should I do? What do I want?
There’s no time left for hesitation.

Can I keep waiting, trembling at the thought of a sudden farewell, hoping Mitsuki will one day feel the same way I do?

　What exactly am I dissatisfied with in this present situation? Where I can reach out and touch her, hold her close, kiss her, and even more than that is permitted.

Hey, isn’t that just a bit too much to ask for?

Every romance has an end. That’s true for romantic love between men and women too. I know that.
No one can stop someone’s heart from changing.
Besides, if I start dreading that before it even ends… I’d never be able to date anyone, would I?

　I know that, but just imagining someone else beside Mitsuki instead of me makes my stomach churn with shock.

Ugh, no way. I just can’t handle it…

While scribbling in my notebook in class, still mulling this over in the back of my mind, my blazer pocket vibrated.
I pulled out my phone and saw a message from Mitsuki.

――Mum’s off work today, so I’d love to come over to your place, Nana. Let’s study together ♡

Heeeeeey, what’s with the heart?! I nearly gasped out loud and instinctively whipped my head round towards Mitsuki. She noticed me looking and grinned mischievously, her eyes narrowing.

Thud! An arrow shot straight into my heart.

Aaaaaah, adorable!! I absolutely adore it!!!

All the thoughts swirling around in my head suddenly shot through the atmosphere and flew off into space.

　I really am mad. I seem to have gone off the rails since that day.

Forcing a smile to hide the flushed cheeks threatening to show, I hurriedly looked ahead and swiped my finger swiftly across my phone.

There was, of course, no choice but YES.

＊＊＊

“I missed Nana so much over the winter break. She never contacted me at all. It feels like I’m the only one sending her messages… and her replies are just one word each, you know?”

After school, when we met at our nearest station, Mitsuki puffed out her cheeks in a sulk and tugged the hem of my uniform skirt with her fingertips.

　…Oh dear. Hang on a minute.
Mitsuki had always been incredibly cute, but suddenly it was as if a filter had been applied, making her seem even cuter than before.

Hey, why!?
Is this because it was with Mitsuki? I find her utterly adorable.

“Nana? Why are you silent? Did you just get over me after we did it…?”

“N-no, that’s not it at all! I was just worried you might be studying, so I held back…”

“No need for that sort of restraint! You contact me too, alright? Promise?”

“Yeah, I get it, I’ll contact you… Sorry.”

“Good, I’m glad you understand.”

Mitsuki grabbed my hand and pulled me along, smiling happily.

“Right then, let’s go. Off to Nana’s place, go!”

Whistling cheerfully as she strode ahead, Mitsuki pulled me along. I couldn’t help but look up to the sky.

Oh dear, I think I’ve gone and lost my mind. Mitsuki is adorable, so adorable… I’m done for, completely defeated…

＊＊＊

　It was the first time Mitsuki had come to my room since that day, so I felt strangely nervous.

“Come in.”

“Excuse me.”

I let Mitsuki into my room. The door slammed shut, leaving us alone. Suddenly, I felt an overwhelming urge to hug her, my arms almost reaching out before I frantically pulled back with sheer willpower.

No, no! Mitsuki’s here to study!　She’s a student preparing for exams, so she should study properly, just study. Mitsuki wouldn’t want that either.

No matter how many times I banish those improper desires from my mind, the vivid memory burned into my brain that day keeps returning, and I swallow hard.
Ugh, no good. I keep thinking all sorts of weird things…

“…Mitsuki, give me your coat, I’ll hang it up.”

“Yeah, thanks.”

Taking the jacket, I turn my back to Mitsuki and hang it up. Huuu, I exhale deeply once from my lungs, trying not to be noticed.

Not anger management, but libido management is what I need.
Honestly, I don’t know if deep breathing alone can quell this desire burning fiercely, but I wanted to give my wavering reason even a little support.

　Dangerous. At this rate, the beast inside me might burst out of the wardrobe and mercilessly pounce on Mitsuki.
I’d thought experiencing it once might make this violent desire a bit more bearable, but it was the opposite.

The very culprit who’d broken the lock on my supposedly sturdy wardrobe turned around, sat down on the bed, and grinned at me cheerfully.

“Nana, come over here quickly. Let’s have a little chat before we study.”

“Eh? Mitsuki, what about studying? Are you really that relaxed about it?”

“It’s fine. I’ll definitely pass.”

“Wow, you’re so confident. Impressive. I’m anxious though… whether I can actually pass…”

“You know, with things like this, it’s better to say it out loud. ‘I’ll definitely pass’.”

“Is that so?”

“Exactly. How can you not believe in yourself when you’re always trying so hard? Even if you lack confidence, if you keep saying it, it becomes true. No evidence, mind you. But if you believe it will pay off, you can keep pushing, right?”

Hearing Mitsuki say that, I started to feel like maybe she was right.
Somehow, Mitsuki seemed much more cheerful than before, and it made me happy.
This carefree, innocent Mitsuki felt like the one I first met.

“…Yeah. You’ll get into any university you apply to, Mitsuki. You’ll be absolutely fine.”

There’s no way she could fail. Not the Mitsuki I’ve admired since first year.
She’s maintained top marks in her year the whole time. Mitsuki had been putting in effort long before we even became friends.

“…Nana, you’ll apply to the same university as me, won’t you? You will, won’t you? You took my first time, so you’ve got to take responsibility properly, Nana.”

“Took…!? I didn’t force you or anything…! Don’t say such nasty things!”

Our perceptions are way too different! It was consensual, right?
　As I leaned forward to correct her, Mitsuki laughed and pulled my hand away.

“Whoa!”

I ended up sprawled helplessly on top of Mitsuki, who’d fallen backwards. The bed creaked with a vivid, jarring sound. Her long black hair spilled across the mattress.

“Eek! I’ve been pinned down! Hehe, what should I do?”

“Mitsuki…”

I sighed deeply at Mitsuki, who was giggling happily.
Honestly, what’s with the “pushed down”? You did it yourself! I can never tell if Mitsuki’s an adult or a child.

Mitsuki happily grabbed my tie and tugged it, then tilted her chin up slightly.
Mitsuki was telling me to kiss her with just her eyes. Strange. How come I always know what Mitsuki wants from me without her even saying it?

Our lips touched as if drawn together.
A kiss is fine, right? It’s allowed, isn’t it? It’s just a little one.
I couldn’t bear to pull away, kissing her again and again. Mitsuki’s lips were soft and felt wonderful. I hoped she felt the same way…

“Mmm…”

Her breathy sigh snapped me back to reality, and I pulled away. Dangerous. I nearly couldn’t stop.

“…Mitsuki, about that… studying…”

After giving in to her kisses, it felt a bit late now… I forced the words out, summoning every ounce of reason. But Mitsuki laughed, as if kicking my rationality aside.

“That can wait. A break’s important too.”

As she deftly undid my tie, I swallowed hard.
Once my foot left the brake, all that was left was to slam the accelerator down. I knew I wouldn’t be able to stop until I crashed into something and wrecked myself.

“…If I keep doing this instead of studying, even if I apply to the same university as you, Mitsuki, I might not get in.”

“Heh heh, it’ll be fine. You’ll get in, Nana. Let’s study properly together, alright? Later, then.”

Oh dear, this is bad. If I keep hanging around with Mitsuki like this, I’ll probably end up having sex all the time, day and night.

What should I do? To get into the same university as Mitsuki, I’ll have to study like hell starting tomorrow or I won’t make it… Thinking that, I reached for Mitsuki’s tie.