Episode 18: Why Does It Have to Be Like This
The morning after the year-end party. Saturday morning.
I hadn’t slept well the night before. Maybe because of that, my whole body felt heavy, and I spent the morning rolling around under the covers.
I stared up at the ceiling, rolled over, stared at the ceiling again, rolled over again.
“Don’t care. Don’t care.”
Face buried in my pillow, I desperately tried to talk myself into it.
“Hanamori doesn’t matter to me at all…”
But in my head, an unauthorized pink theater production starring Hanamori and Tamura-san kept running anyway.
—In bed, Hanamori gazing up at Tamura-san with glossy eyes.
“Tamura-san… I…“
“Hanamori-san…”
I shook my head violently to chase the fantasy out.
But right away, a new version started up, complete with pink background music.
—Hanamori’s apartment. She steps out of the bathroom wrapped in just a towel, hair damp, cheeks flushed.
“Tamura-san… your turn for the shower…“♡
“STOOOP IT!!”
I yelled without meaning to and punched my pillow.
Why is this bothering me so much. It’s not like I even like the woman.
Besides, I have Asakura-san. The beautiful designer I’ve been admiring, and she’s the one who asked me to dinner.
“Right, Asakura-san…”
I picked up my phone and stared at our LIME thread, our exchange from the party — “That was fun, wasn’t it.”
And yet, for some reason, the face that kept surfacing in my head was Hanamori’s. Her unguarded expression clinging to me at karaoke. Her cold, sullen expression on the way out.
I was trying to think about Asakura-san, but she wouldn’t leave my head.
…Seriously, what is even happening.
Monday.
I woke up before my alarm. Three hours of sleep. Dark circles under my eyes.
In front of the mirror, I layered on concealer over and over, trying to hide the exhaustion.
I got to the office, and Hanamori was near the copy machine.
A pale pink blouse, a knee-length flared skirt. As always, perfectly pulling off her feminine style. Not a flaw in her makeup either.
“Morning, Hanamori-san.”
I called out to her, trying to sound as normal as possible.
“Good morning.”
A greeting, without so much as a glance my way.
The usual ice-cold treatment.
…It’s the same as always, and yet somehow it’s infuriating me for no reason.
Really infuriating. Unreasonably infuriating.
Tamura-san, at the next desk, was saying to Sasaki-kun, “The year-end party got pretty wild, huh.”
Hanamori immediately jumped into their conversation.
“Right~?♡ Karaoke was so fun too. Your singing was great, Tamura-san~”
She laughed, all calculated cuteness, her voice pitched unnervingly high, honeyed.
Full “calculating mode” fully deployed.
I kept my composure, mechanically replying to emails, but inside my head an emergency debate had convened.
Wait, what happened with Tamura-san after that?
He walked her home, right?
So did they actually… go home together?
Hanamori’s place? Or Tamura-san’s? …No, wait, that’s not what matters here—
Actually, maybe nothing happened at all…
But Tamura-san’s still a guy… if she got clingy while drunk, he probably…
Did they at least kiss? …No, that mood wouldn’t have stopped at just a kiss…
Aaaaargh, I don’t know anymore!!
My head was unbearably noisy.
I was working myself up over my own imagination, getting irritated over my own thoughts.
This is just concern. As a senior. As a coworker in the same department, concerned.
Right, because if some office romance drama blew up, it’d just be a hassle. That’s all this is.
The sound of my keyboard was, for some reason, getting increasingly aggressive.
Lunch break.
I ran into Hanamori in the break room.
The moment our eyes met, she immediately looked away. A little awkward.
But I couldn’t help asking, despite myself.
“Hey, so, Friday—”
“Yes?”
“How’d things go with Tamura-san, after?”
Hanamori went completely still.
Her fingers seemed to tighten, just slightly, around her paper cup. She answered flatly.
“…Does that have anything to do with you, Asami-san?”
“…Huh?”
The cold response froze the air. The temperature in the break room felt like it dropped three degrees.
What was with that iciness. The gap from her tone at the party stabbed straight into my chest.
“No, I mean, not that I’m worried, exactly… just, you were really drunk at the after-party. Figured you went home with Tamura-san.”
“Does that have anything to do with you? Well… a lot happened, I guess.”
A lot happened?
My heart gave a hard thud. So something did happen with Tamura-san after all…?
Curt. A complete wall of ice between us.
I couldn’t believe this was the same person who’d clung to my arm at karaoke. Was that Hanamori some kind of doppelgänger?
“Anyway, good for you too, Asami-san.”
“Huh?”
“Getting to go to dinner with Asakura-san.”
A sharp pain in my chest.
That tone just now, that was completely deliberate. And there was an obvious edge to the “too.”
“…It’s nothing.”
“Hmm, is that so. You seemed so lovestruck, I figured you’d already fantasized all the way to taking Asakura-san home after dinner.”
A smile. But that smile wasn’t smiling at all. Her eyes were cold, and it was a little scary.
“Huh? No, that’s not, I mean—”
“Sorry. I should get back.”
With a light bow, Hanamori walked away. All that was left was the scent of café au lait from her paper cup.
What was that?
Why did I have to get talked to like that?
Wait, did I even do something wrong?
She’s the one who was all clingy at karaoke.
And what’s with “lovestruck,” anyway? When was I ever lovestruck?
Irritation and confusion churned around in my head.
Afternoon.
After the sales meeting, I had a chance to talk with Tamura-san while checking over some materials. Normal work talk. …Or so it started.
“Oh, by the way, was Hanamori-san okay after the after-party?”
I couldn’t help asking, curious. Tamura-san gave a wry laugh.
“Man, she was wasted. Never seen her like that before.”
“Right? She was so unsteady, kind of dangerous. Did you end up walking her home?”
I asked as casually as I could manage.
“I was gonna call a taxi and see her home, but…”
“…Yeah?”
“Right as we were getting in the taxi, she said, ‘I can get home fine on my own, don’t worry about it.’”
“…Huh?”
A dumb, startled sound slipped out of me. My voice cracked. Completely cracked.
“On her own… you mean?”
“Yeah. She just took the taxi by herself and went home.”
Wait… so.
She hadn’t gone home with Tamura-san after all.
“…Oh, I see.”
I forced a smile. Definitely strained. My facial muscles felt like they might cramp.
I went back to my desk and opened my computer. But none of it was sinking in. My head was completely full of what I’d just heard.
Going home alone, what does that mean?
Even after having Tamura-san all to herself?
And right now, I was ridiculously relieved.
I was, absurdly, hugely relieved that nothing had happened between her and Tamura-san.
Some part of me was thinking, from the bottom of my heart, “Thank god.”
Hm?
No, wait.
Why am I relieved?
My hands stopped typing. My own face, faintly reflected in the monitor.
I was grinning, just a little. No, wait, why?
It’s not like I care about that woman at all. It shouldn’t be like that.
I let out a sigh in front of the screen.
Glancing up, I caught Hanamori’s eyes.
Her eyes went wide for a second, then immediately looked away.
My heart jumped, thudding loud enough to be annoying.
…Seriously, what is this?
I muttered it again in my head.
To no one in particular. Not even to myself.
Only the office fluorescent lights seemed, somehow, unbearably bright.