Episode Nineteen
The way she eats porridge in small spoonfuls, the lonely way she looks up at me from the bed — every part of it is nothing but poison to me right now. If I stay in this room any longer, I’m going to lose my mind. I know that, and yet I want to keep watching her like this. I know it’s poison and I take it anyway.
Ao, suffering with her fever, and me, suffering because of her. The worst kind of arrangement, I think.
“Yuna-chan, thank you so much. I’m sorry for all of this.”
“Please don’t apologise. Her fever’s still high, but she’s asleep right now, so it should be fine.”
“I’m planning to take her to the doctor tomorrow morning.”
She must have run the whole way home. I smiled to reassure Shiho-san, whose usually neat hair was still in disarray.
“…I feel like a failure of a mother, not being able to do anything. I’m so glad Ao has a sister like you, Yuna-chan.”
“Ha ha. I’m glad to hear that, more than anything.”
A sister, huh.
Well, of course. Because that’s what we are. Sisters.
“I’m studying in Ao’s room, so let me know if anything comes up.”
“Won’t you catch her cold? I can keep an eye on her if you—”
“I’ll be fine. I’m tougher than I look.”
Shiho-san is her mother, so she must want to look after Ao herself too. But she works from evening through morning, and if she wore herself out doing this, both Ao and Dad would be upset.
So I’ll be the one to nurse her. That has to be the right call.
◇
“…Ow.”
I woke as though my own aching body had shaken me out of sleep.
Fitting for the opening of Golden Week, the Saturday sky outside was a flawless, cloudless blue. I closed the curtain carefully so as not to wake Ao, and gently wiped the sweat that had gathered on her forehead.
I’d meant to sleep in my own room, but she hadn’t seemed any better even by night, and I worried she might get worse in the middle of the night. The thought made it impossible to sleep, so I’d brought a cushion and a towel blanket and spent the night in her room instead.
Ao still wore a pained expression in her sleep today. Better than yesterday, I think, but the fever still seemed high.
Maybe she couldn’t breathe properly — every so often, a hot breath escaped from her parted lips.
“……”
Right now, I don’t think a kiss would be noticed. Just a moment’s touch. Even if she woke up, something that brief could probably be explained away.
Until now, all I could do was watch from a distance — touching her was never something I could actually do. So even when this kind of thought crossed my mind before, I could laugh it off. Not anymore. If I wanted to, I actually could.
It’s been dangled in front of me, just out of reach, since yesterday morning. Maybe that’s what’s making me lose my mind.
I swallowed, my throat heavy as lead, and leaned my face toward her sleeping breath — then stopped myself. However many times I worked up the resolve, my own ragged breathing refused to let me go through with it. If I crossed this line, there’d be no going back.
I hugged the cushion against my chest hard enough to crush its shape and let out every last bit of air in my lungs.
The person I love is sleeping right in front of me, completely unguarded, and I’m not even allowed to touch her. I think anyone would lose their mind over this. Because if she never finds out, it’s the same as if nothing happened at all, to her.
I want to kiss her. Even just on the cheek would be enough.
“…Haah.”
I steadied my body, which felt ready to stumble, and made my unsteady way out of the room. I needed to make Shiho-san’s lunch. If I didn’t keep my hands busy with something, I felt like I might do something I could never take back.
I finished the cooking and the washing-up, then went back to Ao’s room carrying a sports drink and her medicine.
“38.2… still high.”
Her fever had come down a fair amount, but she still didn’t look fit to go outside. The over-the-counter medicine seemed to be working, so it was probably better not to drag her to a doctor after all.
“…I think I’m feeling better than yesterday, though.”
She said it, but her voice stayed hoarse and weak. That uncharacteristic frailty in her voice was doing its best to drive me out of my mind.
“I know it’s boring, but you can’t get out of bed, okay?”
“Is there anything you want? Pudding, jelly, something like that. You should be a little selfish when you’re sick.”
“Hmm.”
When you catch a cold, you start wanting pudding — or maybe that’s just me. Mum used to make it for me when I was little, so maybe it’s just stuck in my memory.
“…I just want Onee-chan here.”
My heart gave a hard, sudden lurch.
“R— right. Yeah, being sick makes you feel a bit lonely, doesn’t it. I get that.”
“I wonder if that’s it.”
She answered vaguely and closed her eyes. The medicine seemed to be helping; her colour looked a little better than when she’d first woken.
My eyes landed on my phone where it sat in view, and a twisted thought surfaced in my head.
Just taking a photo would be… fine, wouldn’t it.
It’s not like I’d be taking anything strange. Just her sleeping face. I’ve had photos taken of me before, so returning the favour seems fair enough. Much healthier than just kissing her without permission. Friends take photos of each other all the time, too.
Even telling myself that, the hand holding my phone was shaking. Unlike Ao’s steady, even breathing, my own was unsteady and shallow, and it felt unbearably loud.
I want to keep the Ao that only I know, locked inside my phone. If I had that, I think I could put up with just a little more.
I’d missed school to nurse her, after all — surely a small reward wasn’t too much to—
“…Onee… chan…”
Watching her mumble something indistinct and turn over in her sleep, the phone slipped from my hand. The sound of it hitting the hard floor brought the gears that had been slipping out of alignment back, just slightly, into place.
“…This is rough.”
In the end, I didn’t take the photo.
I think this was the right outcome. If I had taken it, I don’t think I’d have been able to stop myself after that.
“Hurry up and get better.”
I murmured it like I was trying to expel something unpleasant from inside me, and gave her soft cheek a gentle poke. No excess softness to it, and yet it had a pleasant, springy give.
The reason I’m losing my mind is because Ao is showing me a side of herself I don’t usually get to see. If she’d just go back to her normal, healthy self, I wouldn’t have to carry feelings like this.
So all I have to do is hold on a little longer. It’s that simple.
“Haaaaah……”
Obviously it’s not. Whether Ao is well or unwell, the feelings that have already taken root won’t wither away anytime soon.
I want to kiss her. I want to keep the Ao that only I know locked away in a photograph. This twisted feeling, raised on the sight of a weakened Ao, will probably keep growing from here, too.
The me trying to be a proper older sister, and the me trying to climb over that wall. Which one is the real me? I already know the answer — and pretending not to feels horribly ugly of me.
I gently took the hand hanging off the edge of the bed in mine. It was warmer than usual.
“…Sorry.”
Still holding Ao’s hand, I let myself collapse forward against the edge of the bed and closed my eyes.