Episode 106: “It’s Okay If It Hurts, Just Hold Me”
“Ow, ow…”
“You okay?”
Yui-san peeled the bandage off my elbow slowly, peering at my face with a worried look.
I’d made it through five days in the hospital without any trouble, and for the past few days I’d been staying at Yui-san’s place.
Since I’d hit my head, they said I needed to be monitored for a while, and Yui-san, worried about me living alone, had suggested I stay with her.
I’d told her I was fine to go back to work, but she wouldn’t allow it, and in the end I used my paid leave to take an extra week off.
The first time I got a good look at my own injured body in the mirror, I was genuinely shocked.
I don’t remember at all how I actually fell, but bruises and scrapes covered nearly every inch of my body — bad enough at first that even rolling over in bed was unbearably painful.
My left arm especially had swollen badly from the impact, and I couldn’t lift it for a while. I’m so glad nothing was broken.
“It really hurt at first, but there’s no more bleeding, and I’m glad the swelling’s gone down.”
“Good. You heal fast, huh, Kanata. …I really hope it heals without leaving a scar.”
After putting a fresh bandage on, Yui-san took my arm and pressed her lips gently against the still-healing bruise on my left arm, almost reverently.
“It’s fine. I’ve never had a scar stick around from an injury before. Not so far, anyway.”
“That’s true, your skin is so pale and smooth, really beautiful. …Maybe that’s why I want to leave marks on it so badly. Kind of like wanting to leave footprints in fresh snow. Like some impulse to mark you, I guess.”
She said it with a completely serious face, staring intently at my bruises, and I nearly burst out laughing.
Marking, seriously… Yui-san must have been a wolf in a past life. Although, honestly, I can’t help but love that possessive streak of hers.
“…You know, back in school, you’d leave hickeys on me the second you got the chance. Were you doing the same thing to everyone else? For marking purposes?”
I asked it teasingly, and Yui-san’s head snapped up, shaking side to side in a panic.
“No way. I never did that.”
“So just me, then?”
“Just you. Because I never wanted anyone else to have you.”
“Hmm, is that so? You wouldn’t even make me your girlfriend back then, and yet you kept doing things like that, leading me on — I was completely at your mercy the whole time, you know?”
I pouted, saying it accusingly, and Yui-san said “just forget about that already,” dodging the subject with an awkward laugh.
Noticing I was starting to sour a little, remembering that she’d fooled around with other girls back then even if it was ancient history, Yui-san gently stroked my cheek, peering into my face.
“Oh, right. Kanata, are you thirsty? Want something to drink?”
Whenever my mood was about to turn, Yui-san always caught onto it instantly and got ahead of it, working to win me back over before things got worse.
I’m simple enough that I always fall for it easily, because I love how she spoils me like this.
“Is that okay? Then, some hot milk…”
“Mm, got it.”
Light on her feet as ever, Yui-san got right up and headed to the kitchen.
Ever since I’d left the hospital, Yui-san had been fussing over me devotedly. Making meals, washing my hair, drying it for me afterward… though honestly, that’s not too different from what she usually does anyway.
Still, worried about my injuries, she hadn’t been holding me — not when we slept together, not even now, here in the living room — and that left me a little dissatisfied.
I’d tried subtly rubbing against her arm and pinching her left hand earlier to make my case, but Yui-san just laughed and looked away, not pulling me in the way she usually would.
I mean, sure, some parts still hurt, but she really doesn’t have to be this careful with me.
I tucked my newly bandaged elbow back inside my sleeve.
Swinging my legs while I waited for the hot milk, I remembered something and reached for a box sitting on the coffee table.
Actually, I’d turned twenty-five while I was in the hospital.
Yui-san had seemed so disappointed we couldn’t properly celebrate, but the birthday present I’d asked for had still made it into my hands, delivered by Yui-san herself, right on the day.
When she asked what kind of camera I wanted, I’d told her: “something cute, compact, and that takes good pictures.”
Even though that request had been incredibly vague, the camera Yui-san gave me turned out to fulfill every single thing I’d hoped for.
I took the small camera out of the box. A compact body, with a large lens.
The black leather felt good in my hand, simple, with a somewhat retro feel, and the round red logo was so cute.
Yui-san really is amazing. Even without me saying much, she always seems to know exactly what I’ll love.
I’ll take so many pictures of Yui-san with this camera. I wonder what kind of wonderful photos I’ll end up with. My chest fluttered with anticipation.
The microwave beeped, and Yui-san came back from the kitchen. Waiting for exactly that moment, I peered through the viewfinder, caught her in frame, and clicked the shutter.
“…What are you doing?”
She tilted her head, still holding a mug in each hand, and I laughed a little.
“Test shot.”
She set the two mugs of hot milk down on the coffee table and sat down beside me.
“Hey, Kanata. Since we couldn’t properly celebrate your birthday, let’s go on a trip sometime, to make up for it. Like we promised — take a long stretch of leave.”
“That sounds great. Since I’ve got this camera now, I want to take tons of pictures. Where should we go?”
“There’s somewhere I want to go. With you, Kanata.”
“Somewhere you want to go? Where?”
“That’s still a secret. But I’m sure you’ll love it, so can you leave the destination up to me?”
“Okay. I’ll look forward to it.”
I can’t wait. I need to get good with this camera before then.
While I was earnestly peering into the LCD screen, Yui-san gently pressed her lips to my temple.
When I looked up, Yui-san was gazing at me with such fondness, smiling.
“…Yui-san.”
“Hm?”
“Not there. Here.”
I gave a light tug on the hem of her sweatshirt and leaned my face in close.
Yui-san looked a little surprised at first, but quickly seemed to catch onto what I was asking for, and gave me a soft, barely-there kiss on the lips.
The arm that wrapped gently around my waist was clearly holding back, resting there lightly instead of actually pulling me in.
That alone wasn’t nearly enough for me, so as she started to pull away, I kept a grip on her sweatshirt and, refusing to let her go, gave her lips a quick lick.
Yui-san jerked her face back from mine like something had sprung loose. See, she really is holding back.
If it had been the usual Yui-san, going this far should have had her grinning happily and eagerly stripping my clothes off by now.
“…Something’s been off about you ever since I got out of the hospital.”
“Huh, you think so?”
“You’re always jumping me the second you get the chance — where’d that wolf version of you go?”
“A wolf… am I really that aggressive, usually?”
Seeing her laugh awkwardly, clearly not even aware of it herself, I couldn’t help but laugh too.
“I mean, you told me before, ‘there’s no way I could wait two whole weeks.’”
“Even I’m not so shameless I’d make a move on someone who’s injured!”
“Heh, I know. But… you could at least hold me, couldn’t you? Keeping this much distance makes me lonely.”
“I want to hold you too. But I keep thinking your body might still hurt…”
“…It’s okay if it hurts. Just hold me.”
I said it, holding both hands out toward her, and I could tell Yui-san caught her breath, just slightly.
Gently, as if handling something fragile, her arms came around my back. Once she’d confirmed I wasn’t in pain, her arms gradually grew firmer, until finally she was holding me tightly.
I nestled into the curve of Yui-san’s neck and closed my eyes.
My side ached a little where her arm pressed against it, honestly, but none of that mattered.
Happiness filled my heart completely.
*
On the day I got hurt, after Yui-san’s father had left — I’d told Yui-san everything Kitagami-san had said to me.
Kitagami-san apparently has no intention of giving up on marrying Yui-san. Instead, he’d offered to turn a blind eye to our relationship and serve as our cover.
And if things didn’t go the way he wanted, he’d threatened to expose us.
He already had evidence in hand, too.
If it had just been photos of the two of us walking side by side, that would have been one thing.
But we’d been looking at each other with such obvious affection that the photos captured, exactly as they were, eyes practically overflowing with love. Anyone looking at them would understand immediately that this was no ordinary relationship.
His proposal might not actually be a bad deal. It might genuinely be the option that leaves no one unhappy.
If I just let go of my own stubbornness and accepted his terms, we could go on living quietly together, hidden from society, without owing anyone any explanations.
A marriage without any real substance to it is nothing more than a piece of paper, in the end.
I know that.
All Kitagami-san wants is that “piece of paper” — not Yui-san herself. So it’s obvious that once he secures the appearance of a relationship, he won’t say anything more.
But logic aside, my heart rejects it completely. No matter how many different angles I try looking at it from, I always arrive at the same answer.
There’s absolutely no way I could accept a proposal like that.
Just imagining Yui-san wearing a ring Kitagami-san gave her, on her left ring finger, is enough to make my chest burn with jealousy.
It’s not that I want to make our relationship public. I don’t need everyone, indiscriminately, to accept us either.
Even so, I don’t want some third party inserting themselves into what’s between me and her. I don’t need a cover. I don’t want one.
Nervous about how she’d react, I told Yui-san about Kitagami-san’s proposal, and she scoffed, dismissing it outright with a “there’s no way that’s happening.”
Hearing that, I felt real relief wash over me. I’m so glad we feel exactly the same way about this—
Eyes closed, feeling her heartbeat, steady and even, through my whole body, I said Yui-san’s name.
“Hey, Yui-san. I’m going back to work starting next week, so — should we go see your father soon? I’m sure he’s waiting to hear from us.”
“I’m free whenever, but are you really okay now, Kanata? You’re not pushing yourself?”
“I’m fine. Let’s get everything settled, and then travel together without a worry in the world.”
“…Yeah. But before that, make sure you actually rest and let your injuries heal properly, okay?”
I nodded, yeah.
I’m going to make sure Yui-san’s father truly accepts us.
And if possible, I hope we can find some resolution with Kitagami-san too — one we can both live with.
Even if that doesn’t turn out to be possible, our feelings won’t change.
I fell in love with someone who already had a fiancé.
Four years of feelings, built up during the time we were apart, had grown so overwhelming that I couldn’t wait the one remaining year until the engagement was broken off.
What I did wasn’t right, by any reasonable standard. But I don’t regret it.
The memories we’ve built up since our feelings for each other became mutual have been happier than anything else could ever replace.
I’m prepared to pay whatever price this costs. I won’t run, and I won’t hide.
I won’t hand Yui-san over to Kitagami-san. Never.
So this time, for real, let’s settle this.
To finally win the days where, no matter how old we get, we can walk hand in hand without a care for anyone watching.