Episode Twenty: Not Today… Please Don’t Go
“Aozawa, is it true you have a boyfriend!?”
Closing time at the café. Wiping down the counter, Hayakawa-kun suddenly stormed up to me, his face gone completely pale.
Where had that come from. What baseless rumor could possibly have started something like that? Startled by how close he’d gotten, I flinched back, and Amasaki-san, on shift today too, poked her head out from the back of the shop.
“Ooh, what, what? I want details!”
The petite girl came bounding over. I just wanted to finish closing up and go home, and this was clearly turning into an unwelcome direction.
“The owner said something about your boyfriend being rich, and I was wondering — that LS that’s parked near the shop sometimes, is that your boyfriend’s?”
“L…S? What’s that?”
“The black Lexus!”
He really didn’t need to press this hard. But hearing that finally clicked something into place. Apparently Hayakawa-kun meant Yui-san’s car.
“…That’s Yui-san’s car. I don’t have a boyfriend.”
“Eh… she’s that rich?”
The day Hayakawa-kun had walked me home from the zoo, the garage shutter had been closed. So he must never have actually seen what Yui-san drives.
“Oh, r-right… good.”
Hayakawa-kun let out a relieved breath, hand on his chest. Between summer break in England and everything else going on, I’d completely forgotten — he still liked me, apparently.
The owner must have seen me get into her car. Knowing my parents are overseas, he’d probably assumed whoever picked me up had to be a boyfriend.
But was that car really that expensive? I knew it was a luxury car, but she’d said it was domestic, so I hadn’t realized it was the kind of car people could immediately clock as “rich” on sight.
Not that it even matters — it was her brother’s car to begin with.
“Yui-san — you mean that super pretty senior who came in before? She’s that loaded?”
“Oh, you’ve met her too, Amasaki?”
“Yeah, once, a while back. Aozawa-san said it’d be fine to talk to her directly next time, so I kept waiting for her to come in, but she just never does.”
“She mostly just picks me up by car, so she doesn’t usually come inside, that’s all.”
There’s no parking here anyway. It’s not like I’ve been deliberately keeping her out of the shop.
If anything, that one time had been the exception — she’d only come in because she was on her way back from a dinner and hadn’t driven that day.
“Is she coming today, maybe?”
“…She said she had plans today, so I didn’t ask her to pick me up.”
“Then bring her by again sometime. I want to be friends with her too.”
Amasaki-san narrowed her cat-like eyes into a sly grin. Seeing that expression, something clicked.
Amasaki-san really does look like a cat. Small, round eyes, that snaggletooth completing the look.
Right — hadn’t Ritsu-san once said Yui-san has a thing for girls who look exactly like a cat?
Was it possible this girl was actually Yui-san’s type…?
“…Sure, next time.”
I said it with a smile, but privately vowed, with absolute conviction, to never let my shifts overlap with Amasaki-san’s ever again.
She’d said she wouldn’t touch my friends, but who knows if that’s actually true. She’d already kissed me, after all — if I ever caught her flirting with another girl right in front of me, I had complete confidence I’d slap her across the face without hesitation.
*
“Wait, Aozawa, I’ll walk you home.”
Called out just as I stepped out the back door, I turned around to find Hayakawa-kun.
Home’s only two stations away, and a short walk from there — not a distance that really needs an escort. And besides.
“…Isn’t your house the opposite direction, Hayakawa-kun?”
He scratched at his head, sheepish, caught out.
“You don’t have to point that out even if you know. Not exactly a cool look.”
“I can get home fine on my own, don’t worry about it.”
That’s what I always do on days Yui-san can’t come.
“That’s not… I just want to talk more. I do.”
Yui-san’s words surfaced in my mind.
Kanata, you’re way too weak to pushing.
I know that already. But turning someone down after they say something like that — isn’t that genuinely hard to do?
Because refusing feels equivalent to saying, flat out, “I don’t want to talk to you at all.”
If he’d just asked me out properly, I could say sorry and be done with it. It’s these oddball curveballs I’m truly bad at handling.
Well, it’s only two stations, I thought, and nodded, and Hayakawa-kun’s face lit up, pleased.
*
We walked from the station to my house side by side. I’d always thought men walked fast, but today he walked slow enough to throw off my whole rhythm.
Our pace just doesn’t match, I thought. This whole time, I’d probably been the one adjusting to him. And adjusting like that had started to feel like a real chore.
The more I get to know Yui-san, the less anyone else can satisfy me. This, too, is entirely a result of how thoroughly she’s spoiled me.
“What do you usually do on weekends, Aozawa?”
“Weekends? Um, hang out with friends, watch movies… oh, we went to see fireworks the other day.”
“W-with who?”
“With Yui-san…”
“Ah, I see. Should’ve asked to join, I guess. You were back in England for so long, I barely got to see you at all.”
Good thing he didn’t ask, I thought, faintly relieved.
I want this vague, undefined relationship to end soon. Hayakawa-kun’s a good person. Kind, sincere, straightforward, genuinely nice.
But I don’t think I’m ever going to fall for you.
Dragging out this ambiguous non-relationship any longer would just be burning both our time for nothing.
We arrived at the front door. He’d have to walk all the way back from here — must be rough, I thought, distantly, like it wasn’t really my concern.
I turned to face him. Did he really want to be with me that badly? Why? I couldn’t imagine I was worth going to this much trouble for.
“…What exactly do you like about me, Hayakawa-kun?”
The moment I asked, his face flushed red, fast, and I wondered — maybe I shouldn’t have asked that.
Someone as smooth-talking as Yui-san would never have a reaction this unguarded. Hayakawa-kun really is easy to read.
“…What, I mean…”
“You said you didn’t need an answer, but if you actually like me, don’t you want to date me properly?”
Not that asking Hayakawa-kun the question I actually wanted to ask Yui-san would do any good. The answer isn’t sitting inside some other person.
I already know — anything about Yui-san, I need to ask Yui-san herself.
But I wanted, even a little, to get closer to an answer.
“Well, yeah, of course I do. …But I also know your feelings aren’t pointed at me. If I get turned down, that’s it, it’s over, right? I don’t want to give up on you yet.”
Even knowing I struggle with men, sexually — would Hayakawa-kun still want to date me?
“Even if it takes time, let me keep trying, until you turn around and notice me.”
Right as he said it, at the worst possible moment, the front door opened.
If I hadn’t opened it, there’s only one person who could open this door from inside.
“…Huh, Kanata… and, Hayakawa-kun?”
My heart clenched, tight.
Yui-san had said she had plans — did going out now mean she was heading out drinking?
Hayakawa-kun had only walked me home. There was nothing to hide, nothing shameful about it at all.
And still — why did I so badly not want her to see the two of us together like this?
Yui-san smiled, bright.
“Hayakawa-kun, long time no see. Coming in?”
What is she saying, does she want to leave the two of us alone in the house!? I spun toward her in a panic, but Hayakawa-kun spoke first.
“N-no! I just walked Aozawa home, I should head back now. Excuse me.”
He hurried off before I even had a chance to thank him properly, and I watched his back disappear.
Good thing he’s a decent, sincere person, I thought, relieved.
“…Kanata, didn’t you say you had work? Was that a date?”
She slipped inside through the large entryway and shut the door with a soft click. I passed by her, slipping off my shoes, stepping up into the house.
“It was work. He offered to walk me and I just went along with it, reluctantly…”
“Hm…”
Leaning back against the door, Yui-san watched me steadily.
“Yui-san, please don’t say things like that to Hayakawa-kun. If he’d actually taken you up on coming in…”
“…If you’re not interested, you should just turn him down quickly. It’s cruel otherwise.”
Said so easily, but it’s really not that simple. I want to turn him down quickly too. But after hearing him say something like that, I can’t think of any way to reject him without hurting him.
“…I don’t want to hear that from you, Yui-san. And also, you never mentioned going out drinking tonight.”
“Huh? No, tonight’s…”
Her phone rang suddenly. Pulled from her pocket, I caught sight of a woman’s name lighting up the screen.
She didn’t answer right away — just hit the mute button, and seeing that, I understood: not drinking with friends. Some girl had invited her out.
“I gotta go now.”
She said it, deflecting, and it wasn’t fun to hear.
“…Are you staying the night, today?”
Nights like this had happened plenty of times already. Every time, I’d silently watched her leave.
Day by day, it’s become harder to just accept that quietly.
I know. Someone she’s kissed a handful of times, at most, saying something like this — I know exactly how much of a hassle that must be for her.
I know she doesn’t want a woman like that.
“…What’s wrong? Did something happen with Hayakawa-kun?”
Noticing my bad mood, Yui-san stepped closer, suddenly looking worried.
She stroked my downcast cheek and gently tried to catch my eye.
Nothing happened with Hayakawa-kun. I turned my face away, evasive, and Yui-san let out a small, troubled sigh.
“Nothing happened. And shouldn’t you already be leaving…?”
“I mean, I should be, but… if it’s not Hayakawa-kun, is it me?”
Yui-san always, always works to smooth over my mood.
A thought struck me, suddenly.
You call me special, don’t you. So how special, exactly?
If tonight, weighing me against whoever it is you’re planning to whisper sweet nothings to and hold in your arms — if you wouldn’t choose me, then that’s not really “special” at all, is it?
I couldn’t stop my arm from reaching for her. My wavering feelings seemed to show up right in my fingertips, and, anxious, I tugged at her clothes.
“Not today… please don’t go.”
“………………….”
Head down, I couldn’t see what expression Yui-san was wearing. Just that she, who would normally have some teasing reply ready, said nothing at all. A stretch of silence.
I felt her take a deep breath.
“Kanata… does it bother you, that I go play around with other girls?”
“Because if you go, you won’t come home, will you.”
Her phone rang again. Someone, on the other end, waiting for her.
I don’t want to hand you over, I thought.
“…Kanata, do you like me?”
It was the first time she’d asked so directly.
*
What an unfair person. She’s the one who packs so many different meanings into the word “like” whenever she uses it herself.
And here she was, calmly asking me, point blank, whether I liked her “as more than friends.”
Asked that so plainly, I didn’t know what to say.
“…I don’t know. But I don’t want you to go.”
Head still down, I forced the words out, half in desperation. It was the truth. Because you did this to me.
If I’d never met Yui-san, I probably would have gone my whole life never knowing how soft a woman’s lips could feel.
“You don’t know… I see. You don’t know, huh.”
Yui-san said it, sighing at the same time. She kicked off the shoes she’d just put on and closed the distance between us.
What do I do, did I make her angry?
Being so much taller than me, once I ducked my head down, I couldn’t see her expression at all.
“…Just say it plainly. That you like me.”
Gently, her hand tipped my downcast chin up. Her eyes, staring straight into mine, held a desperate, urgent color I’d never seen there before.
“…Say it.”
“I—”
She’s the one who’d pushed me to say it, and yet, before the word could leave me, her lips pressed against mine, cutting it off.
Startled, I froze, my body trying to pull back on instinct, but an arm wound around my waist and drew me in, closer, harder.
“Mnn…!”
Not the gentle, barely-there kiss from the night of the fireworks.
Through the thin gap of my parted lips, gasping for air, something slid in, smooth and wet.
Only a beat late did I understand — that was her tongue, brushing softly against mine.
Something like electricity shot through my whole body, and my knees nearly buckled.
My mind went completely white, and then—
“O-ow…!!!”
Yui-san jerked her face away, breaking the kiss, and released me so abruptly I nearly stumbled.
I honestly didn’t even know, myself, what I’d just done to her.
Looking closer, Yui-san had a hand pressed over her mouth.
Her eyes, glaring at me with something like accusation, were faintly welling with tears.
“You didn’t have to bite…!”
“I-I mean, you just, you—”
She clearly hadn’t expected to be bitten, her lovely brows drawn together in a complicated, pained expression. It must have really hurt.
Startled, I’d bitten down before I even realized it. A slow, creeping guilt started welling up in me.
“…I taste blood.”
“Um… are you okay?”
“Do I look okay?”
Yui-san stuck her tongue out at me. I couldn’t help scrunching my face at the sight, a small ugh.
“…I’m sorry for hurting you. But that one was your fault.”
“…I’m going to rinse my mouth out.”
Grimacing, apparently at the taste of blood, Yui-san brushed past me.
“If you rinse out, are you going to leave after all?”
I murmured it, almost to myself, and Yui-san let out a small sigh.
“…I’m not going.”
“Really?”
“You’re the one who told me not to go, weren’t you.”
I watched her walk toward the bathroom and sat down on the living room sofa. Hugging a cushion, tears welled up, unbidden.
What am I even trying to do.
I know I’m being selfish, and I know better than anyone that I have no right to keep her from going anywhere.
I know it’s a hassle too. Of course I understand that she hates exactly this kind of thing.
Sniffling, wiping at my nose, Yui-san came back into the living room.
Seeing me like that, she let out another small sigh, and slipped into the space between me and the sofa, wrapping her arms around me tight from behind.
“Don’t cry, Kanata.”
“…Are you angry?”
“I’m not angry.”
Her voice, gentle, murmured right against my ear.
“…Want to watch a movie together tonight?”
I nodded, small, and Yui-san picked up the remote and pulled up Netflix.
*
Summer’s almost over now. As time passes, my feelings for Yui-san just keep growing, bigger and bigger.
I’m not an idiot. I’ve known for a long time now that I’m drawn to her.
Even when my heart screams it that loudly, reason keeps getting in the way, refusing to let me accept it easily.
Because if I admit, plainly, that I love Yui-san — I already know it’s going to become a kind of love that hurts, unbearably, with no way out.