Episode 20: Today… Don’t Go
“Aosawa, is it true you’ve got a boyfriend!?”
After closing time at the café. As I was wiping down the counter, Hayakawa-kun suddenly came rushing over to me, his face ashen.
What on earth? Where on earth did that completely unfounded rumour come from? Startled by his uncomfortably close proximity, I flinched back. Then, from the back of the shop, Amasaki-san, who was on shift today, popped her head out unexpectedly.
“Eh? What’s this? I wanna hear all about it!”
The petite girl hopped over excitedly. I just wanted to finish closing up and get home, but this was turning into a dreadful situation.
“The owner mentioned that Aosawa-san’s boyfriend is quite wealthy, but that LS parked near the shop sometimes… was that his?”
“El-Es… what’s that?”
“A black Lexus!”
She didn’t need to press me so hard. But hearing that finally clicked. Apparently, what Hayakawa-kun was referring to was Yui-san’s car.
“…That’s Yui-san’s car. I don’t have a boyfriend.”
“Eh… Is she that rich?”
When Hayakawa-kun walked me home after we went to the zoo, the garage door was down. So he didn’t know what kind of car Yui-san drove?
“But, oh, I see… That’s good.”
Hayakawa-kun let out a sigh of relief, patting his chest. I’d been back in England during the summer holidays, and with everything that happened, I’d completely forgotten, but Hayakawa-kun still liked me, didn’t he?
The master must have seen me get into her car. Knowing my parents were overseas, he must have mistaken whoever came to pick me up for my boyfriend.
But was that car really that expensive? I knew it was a luxury car, but since she said it was a domestic model, I hadn’t realised it was the kind of car that screams ‘rich’ at first glance.
Besides, that car was bought by Yui-san’s older brother.
“Yui-san? The stunningly beautiful senior who came before? I didn’t realise she came from such a wealthy family.”
“You’ve met her too, Aizaki?”
“Yeah. She came to the shop once before. Aosawa-san said it was okay to speak to her directly next time, so I’d been waiting forever for her to come back to the shop, but she never did.”
“She usually picks me up by car, so she just doesn’t come inside the shop.”
There’s no parking here anyway. It wasn’t that I deliberately didn’t want her to come inside.
It was more that that time was special. Yui-san was coming back from a dinner party, so she wasn’t in a car.
“Is she here today, by any chance?”
“…She said she had plans today, so I didn’t ask for a pick-up.”
“Then bring her along next time. I’d like to be friends too.”
Amasaki-san narrowed her cat-like eyes into a grin. Seeing that face, I realised something.
Amasaki-san does resemble a cat. Petite, with perfectly round eyes and those characteristic fangs.
Come to think of it, Ritsu—san said she liked girls who were very cat-like.
Could this girl be Yui-san’s type…?
“…Yes, another time then.”
I smiled and said that, but I firmly resolved within myself never to overlap with Ms. Amasaki’s shifts.
She’d said she wouldn’t go after my friends, but I couldn’t be sure if that was true. She’d kissed me, after all. If I ever saw her flirting with another girl right in front of me, I was confident I’d slap her cheek hard.
“Wait, Aosawa, I’ll walk you home.”
As I stepped out the back door, Hayakawa-kun called out to me, making me turn around.
It’s only two stops to my place, and it’s a short walk from the station. It’s not really a distance where someone needs to walk me home. Besides…
“…Hayakawa-kun’s house is in the opposite direction, right?”
Saying that, he scratched his head awkwardly.
“Don’t say things like that, even if you know it’s true. It’s not cool, is it?”
“I can get home on my own, it’s fine.”
I always do that on days when Yui-san can’t come.
“That’s not it… I just want to talk more, that’s all.”
The words Yui-san had said came back to me.
—Kanata, you’re far too easily persuaded.
I know that. But isn’t it incredibly difficult to refuse when someone says something like this?
Because turning this down would be the same as saying, “I don’t want to talk to you.”
I could say sorry if he asked me out, but I’m really bad at handling curveballs like this.
Well, it’s only two stops. I nodded in agreement, and Hayakawa-kun smiled happily.
We walked side by side from the station to my house. I’d always thought men walked fast, but today he was walking so surprisingly slowly it threw me off.
Our pace just doesn’t match, I thought. With him before, I probably always adjusted to him. But adjusting has become painful.
The more I get to know Yui-san, the less satisfied I am with anyone else. This is all because Yui-san spoiled me rotten.
“What do you usually do at weekends, Aosawa?”
“Weekends? Well, hanging out with friends, watching films… Oh, I went to see fireworks the other day.”
“W-with who?”
“With Yui-san…”
“Oh, right. I should’ve asked you too. I couldn’t meet up at all because I was visiting my family.”
I feel a slight relief that I wasn’t invited.
I want to end this awkward relationship soon. Hayakawa-kun is a good person. Kind, earnest, honest, and genuinely nice.
But I’m certain I’ll never like you.
I think dragging this ambiguous relationship on like this will just waste both our time.
I reach the front door. I wonder, almost as if it’s someone else’s problem, if he’ll turn back home from here. That must be tough.
I turn to face him. Does he really want to be with me that much? Why? I don’t think I’m worth going to such lengths for.
“…Hayakawa-kun, what do you like about me?”
The moment I ask, his face flushes crimson before my eyes. Huh, did I ask something I shouldn’t have?
If it were the smooth-talking Yui-san, she wouldn’t react so innocently. Hayakawa-kun is so easy to read.
“…What do you mean, ‘what’?”
“You said you didn’t need an answer, but if you like me, don’t you want to go out with me?”
It was pointless asking Hayakawa-kun what I really wanted to ask Yui-san. Asking someone else wouldn’t give me the answer.
I knew I had to ask Yui-san about Yui-san.
But I wanted to get a little closer to the answer.
“Well, of course I do. …But I also know full well that Aosawa’s feelings aren’t directed at me. If I got rejected, that’d be the end of it, right? I don’t want to give up on Aosawa.”
Even if he knew I struggled with having sex with men, would Hayakawa-kun still want to date me?
“Even if it takes time, let me keep trying until you turn around.”
The moment he said that, the front door opened at the worst possible time.
If I hadn’t opened it, there was only one person who could open this door from the inside.
“…Eh? Kanata… and… Hayakawa-kun?”
My heart clenched.
Yui-san said she had something to do, but if she’s leaving now, does that mean she’s going out for drinks?
Hayakawa-kun just walked me home; there’s nothing I need to hide, nothing to feel guilty about.
Even so, why? I didn’t want anyone to see us together.
Yui-san smiled brightly.
“Hayakawa-kun, it’s been ages. Are you coming in?”
What on earth was she saying? Did she intend to leave us alone in the house?! Panicking, I turned to look at Yui-san, but Hayakawa-kun spoke first.
“N-no! I was just seeing Aosawa home, so I’ll be off now. Well then, excuse me.”
I watched Hayakawa-kun’s retreating back as he hurried away without even giving me a chance to thank him.
Ah, thank goodness he’s such an honest chap, I thought, breathing a sigh of relief.
“…Kanata, didn’t you say you had a part-time job? Was this a date?”
I slid my body into the large entrance hall, gave the door a firm slam, and closed it behind me. Passing by Yui-san, I took off my shoes and went upstairs.
“It’s a part-time job. He said he’d walk me home, so I had no choice…”
“Hmm…”
Leaning against the door, Yui-san stared intently at me.
“Yui-san, please don’t say things like that to Hayakawa-kun. If he really said he was coming in…”
“…If she wasn’t interested, she should have refused sooner. It’s pitiful.”
She said it so casually, but it wasn’t that simple. I wish I could have refused sooner. But after he said it like that, I couldn’t think of a way to turn him down without hurting him.
“…I don’t need you telling me that. Besides, I didn’t hear anything about going out for drinks today.”
“Eh? No, today…”
Suddenly, her mobile rang. I caught sight of a woman’s name on the screen as she pulled it from her pocket.
She didn’t answer immediately; pressing the mute button made it clear she wasn’t going out for drinks, but being invited out by a girl.
“I’ve got to go.”
Saying that as if to cover something up was annoying.
“…Are you staying over tonight?”
There had been many nights like this. Each time, I’d silently seen her off.
Day by day, it was becoming harder to bear.
I know. That it’s a pain to be told this by a woman I’ve only kissed a few times.
I also know she doesn’t like that sort of woman.
“…What’s wrong? Did something happen with Hayakawa-kun?”
Noticing my bad mood, Yui-san suddenly approached me with concern.
She stroked my lowered cheek and peered gently at my face.
Nothing happened with Hayakawa-kun. I looked away as if fleeing, and Yui-san sighed softly, looking troubled.
“Nothing happened. Besides, don’t you have to go now…”
“I suppose so… But if it’s not Hayakawa-kun, is it because of me?”
Yui-san always tries to cheer me up.
Suddenly, I wonder.
I am special to you, aren’t I? So just how special am I?
For example, if tonight, when you intend to whisper words of love and hold that girl close, you were to weigh her against me, and you didn’t choose me, then that wouldn’t be ‘special’, would it?
I couldn’t stop my arm from reaching out to her. As if my wavering feelings were manifesting in my fingertips, I tugged anxiously at her clothes.
“Please… don’t go today.”
“……………….”
I couldn’t see what expression Yui-san wore because I’d lowered my head. But Yui-san, who would normally tease me, said nothing. A moment of silence.
I could tell Yui-san took a deep breath.
“Kanata… you don’t like me going out with other girls?”
“But if you go, you won’t come back, will you?”
Yui-san’s phone rang again. Someone was waiting for her on the other end.
I didn’t want to hand her over.
“…Do you like me, Kanata?”
It was the first time she’d asked me so directly.
You’re a sly one. You’re the type to say ‘I like you’ while packing all sorts of meanings into it.
Yui-san asks me, completely deadpan, ‘Do you like me romantically?’
Asking me that just makes things awkward.
“…I don’t know. But I don’t want you to go.”
I mumbled that, head bowed, in desperation. It was true. Because you’ve made me go mad.
Had I not met Yui-san, I’d surely never have known the softness of a woman’s lips in my entire life.
“Don’t know… Don’t know, huh?”
Yui-san sighed and said that at the same time. She kicked off the shoes she’d been wearing and closed the distance between us.
What should I do? Has she got angry?
Her tall frame meant I couldn’t see her expression when I kept my head down.
“…Just say you like me.”
Gently, her hand lifted my chin from its downward position. Her eyes, fixed directly on me, held a desperate intensity I’d never seen before.
“…Say it.”
“I—”
It was Yui who’d pressed me to speak, yet she cut me off by pressing her lips against mine.
Startled, I stiffened and tried to pull away, but her arms wrapped around my waist pulled me closer still.
“Mmm…!”
It wasn’t a gentle kiss like the one we shared the day we saw the fireworks.
Something slithered into my mouth through the slight gap between my lips, parted as I tried to breathe.
The moment it softly brushed against my tongue, I belatedly realised it was her tongue.
My whole body trembled as if electrified, my knees nearly buckling.
My mind went completely blank, and then—
“Th-that…!!!”
Yui-san jerked her face away as if exploding, suddenly pushing me off so hard I stumbled.
I didn’t even know what I’d just done to her.
Peering over, I saw Yui covering her mouth with her palm.
Her eyes, glaring at me accusingly, were slightly teary.
“You didn’t have to bite me…!”
“Bu-but Yui-san—”
Had she not expected to be bitten? Yui furrowed her beautiful brows, her expression complex. It must have hurt quite a bit.
Startled, I’d bitten her without meaning to. A wave of guilt washed over me.
“…It tastes like blood.”
“Um… Are you alright?”
“Does it look like I am?”
Yui stuck out her tongue. I instinctively frowned, uttering a startled “Eww!”
“…I’m sorry I hurt you. But this time, it was your fault.”
“…I’m going to rinse my mouth.”
Still frowning, as if she disliked the taste of blood, Yui-san passed by me.
“Are you really going to leave after rinsing?”
I murmured this, and Yui-san sighed, “Hmph.”
“…I’m not going.”
“Really?”
“You’re the one who said you didn’t want me to go, Kanata.”
Watching her back as she headed for the washroom, I sat down on the living room sofa. Hugging the cushion, tears slowly welled up.
What do I want, anyway?
I know I’m being selfish, and I know better than anyone that I have no right to stop Yui-san.
I know I’m a bother. I understand perfectly well that she dislikes it.
Just as I sniffled, Yui-san returned to the living room.
Seeing me like this, she sighed softly again, slipped between me and the sofa, and hugged me tightly from behind.
“Don’t cry, Kanata.”
“…Are you angry?”
“I’m not angry.”
Her gentle voice whispered softly in my ear.
“…Fancy watching a film together today?”
I nodded. Yui picked up the remote and pressed the Netflix button.
Summer will soon be over. As time passes, my feelings for Yui-san only continue to swell.
I’m not stupid. I’ve known for ages that I’m drawn to her.
Even as my heart cries out, my reason gets in the way, preventing me from accepting it readily.
Because I know that if I admit I like Yui-san, it will surely become an unbearably painful love.