Episode Twenty-Seven
Even the sound of chopsticks against dishes feels too loud. The news program playing on the television, left running for no reason, feels irritating. Still a bit early to leave for school, but — let’s just go now. I don’t want to spend any more time than necessary in this awkwardness.
I swung my backpack over my shoulder and was heading out of the living room when my eyes met Ao’s, her hair tousled and unbrushed.
One more button undone on her uniform shirt than she’d wear at school — I didn’t know where to look. I’d asked her before to keep it properly closed even at home.
“…Your lunch is over there.”
“…Right. I’m off, then.”
I walked past her without waiting for a reply and headed for the dim entryway.
◇
Japan’s seasons have apparently disappeared entirely. Still only June, and yet the sun pours down like the height of summer.
A quiet residential street. A packed train full of people wearing pained expressions. The familiar route to school feels strangely far today.
It’s been several days since that night, and Ao and I have barely spoken. Mornings, even when our eyes meet, the conversation only goes one way, the same as today. At night we don’t exchange a single word either, just both of us making the same small sounds of chopsticks against dishes. Still managing to eat together at all is something, I suppose, but it’s suffocating all the same.
I want to make up with her soon. I don’t even think of it as a fight, really, and my anger toward her has already settled.
That night, Ao really was acting strange. She wasn’t even trying to hide something like possessiveness, and she did something we shouldn’t have done with Dad right there in the house. But if things had gone on the way they were, I think I would have done something irreversible too.
If Dad and Shiho-san hadn’t been there, I think I would have reached for Ao myself. So we were both at fault. Let’s just stop this. That’s all I’d need to say, and it would be over — and yet whenever I’m actually in front of her, the words won’t come out properly.
If this keeps going much longer, even Dad and Shiho-san are bound to start worrying. I already told Dad we were having some kind of fight, but I can’t exactly stay like this forever.
I let out a sigh I’d long since stopped bothering to count, and my footsteps echoed through the school building, still wrapped in early-morning quiet.
◇
“I’m home.”
Ao’s loafers are there, but I can’t find her in the living room or the kitchen.
There’s some kind of work drinks tonight apparently, so Dad told me not to worry about dinner. I don’t have much appetite myself, but what about Ao? If she’s hungry, I’d like to make something for her.
But I couldn’t even bring myself to ask something that simple.
I should just make something regardless. If she doesn’t eat it, I can have it later myself. I scanned the fridge, running through the short list of dishes I actually know how to make. Plenty of eggs left. Some chicken and a little onion too. In that case—
I sautéed the chicken and onion in butter, added the rice, and kept stirring it through. Ketchup in until everything turned properly red, a short pause, then a thin sheet of egg cooked in a separate pan to wrap around the chicken rice. Done.
I couldn’t manage the soft, runny kind since it would go cold, but firm-cooked would do just as well. I prefer it that way myself, anyway.
She’d told me she liked omurice, and yet I’d never once made it for her. It was obvious she’d be happy about it — I should have made it ages ago.
Making it now isn’t going to get me her smile, though.
Why can’t I manage things better. Even the thing with Fuuka — if I’d just explained it properly, it would never have gotten twisted into something strange. Blinded by my feelings for Ao, unable to handle anything well — I find myself pathetic.
I should have just told her honestly that I like her. She might find it disgusting. She might end up hating me. Even so, I think she’d at least listen to what I had to say.
I keep telling myself I don’t want to break the family we’ve built — but maybe, in the end, all I’m really doing is being afraid of Ao hating me. As long as we stay sisters, at least I get to be closer to her than I ever was around this time last year.
I covered the omurice with cling film and left a sticky note beside it. Just words felt a bit too curt, so I added a small drawing of my favourite penguin in the empty space.