Episode Eighty-Seven: Always, Only Look at Me
Waking to the alarm’s piercing shriek, I reached out reflexively and slapped it silent, and cold air rushed into the warm blankets, making me shiver.
This winter’s brutally cold.
The news had mentioned even the Kanto region might see early snow — I’d doubted it a little, but with cold like this… it might actually happen.
This cold made getting out of bed a real chore, so, still hugging my orca, I rolled over and let out a sigh.
Morning light filtered through the curtains. Already time to get up. Need to get to work.
Last night, after seeing Kitagami-san, I’d vented to Yuuri the whole way home and felt like I’d sorted my feelings out at least somewhat — but even come morning, my mood still hadn’t fully cleared.
Like a slow-acting body blow, last night’s memory kept working on me, gradual.
I still hadn’t figured out the right timing to talk to Yui-san about it.
Because right now, on top of preparations for the Christmas and year-end sales push, she’s swamped putting together next fiscal year’s management and investment plans, and her schedule’s packed, wall to wall, from morning to night, with meetings and discussions across every department.
Ever since December started, I’d noticed Yui-san sitting at her desk more and more often, arms crossed, lost in thought.
Watching that, over and over, I honestly didn’t want to add any more weight onto her shoulders.
Dragging my heavy body, rubbing my arms, I crawled out of bed.
Let’s go. To work. Because there, I get to see Yui-san.
Honestly, I’d felt anxious this whole time, ever since last night — I’d thought about calling her, more than once.
I wanted to see Yui-san. Unbearably.
＊＊＊
Stepping into the president’s office that morning, Yui-san was already facing her PC. Just how early had she come in today?
Apparently, on weekdays, she’s been staying overnight at her work condo, so I wonder if she’d been working there too, even at home.
Stopping her hands, Yui-san lifted her face, quick, and smiled, happy.
“Morning, Kanata.”
“Good morning, Yui-san.”
Strange, I thought. Just seeing Yui-san’s happy face was enough to ease the tension coiled tight in my heart, softening it, just a little.
Setting my bag at my own desk, I booted up my computer too.
Better start with checking email first.
Thinking that, I opened my inbox, and there it was — a name I’d almost managed to forget, “Kitagami Shinji,” leaping out at me, and my heart clenched, sudden, unpleasant.
Damn it, I should have deleted the email last night.
Back in college, even before I ever actually met him — right, since first learning that name, I think I’d already been aware of him, in all kinds of ways.
Now, several years later, I understood — this name had somehow become, for me, trauma-level unpleasant.
Because of what happened yesterday, he’d gone, cleanly, from someone I’d felt neither like nor dislike toward, straight to “someone I genuinely hate.”
I didn’t even want to look at the name. Flustered, I shoved the email straight into the trash folder, just so I wouldn’t have to see it again.
Letting out a deep sigh. I still can’t consult Yui-san, busy as she is. I need to somehow handle this myself, and yet, thinking back on my own performance yesterday, I felt genuinely pathetic.
He’d told me to give him an answer in a week… but however long he made me wait, there’s no option in me, none at all, for leaving Yui-san’s side.
The one thing that still worries me — my father. Would Kitagami-san really go that far? I don’t know. I don’t know him well enough to say.
I’d need to ask someone who actually knows him better, before I could judge properly…
“…Kanata, hey, Kanata, are you listening?”
“Eh?”
Suddenly spoken to, I straightened up sharp, startled. Pulled under by that sea of thought, I hadn’t noticed at all that Yui-san had been calling to me.
“S-sorry, I was thinking about something…”
Flustered, apologizing, Yui-san narrowed her eyes, and I flinched.
Yui-san is frighteningly perceptive. I should have known — I needed to be careful, or she’d catch on instantly that something was weighing on me.
With a scrape, she stood from her desk and settled onto the black leather sofa. Then, patting the spot beside her — “come here.”
Called like that, I couldn’t ignore it. I walked over as told and sat down beside her.
Those gentle black eyes, watching me, steady.
“…Kanata, are you not feeling well, by any chance?”
Cheek stroked, gentle, and, involuntarily, my heart lurched.
“Um, that’s not it. Sorry, I was just spacing out.”
“Then did something unpleasant happen yesterday, while I wasn’t around?”
Treated this gently, I want to give in, to lean on her. Want to throw myself straight into those arms.
Listen, Yui-san. Yesterday, Kitagami-san called me out, said something awful. That I’m — “not needed”…
The words rose right up to my throat, and I swallowed them, hard. Then shook my head, side to side.
“Really, it’s nothing. More importantly, what were you about to say to me just now?”
Forcing my best smile, I said it, and Yui-san, still not looking fully convinced, let out a small sigh, then gently took my hand.
“…I was supposed to visit Yuki-nii’s company this morning, remember? But work’s not wrapped up, so I can’t go after all — Kanata, could you go in my place, and deliver the meeting minutes?”
“Eh?”
Unusual. Yui-san should hate the idea of me and Yukiya-san meeting. What’s going on? I studied her expression, curious.
“…And, you can just go straight home from there today.”
Seeing Yui-san’s faintly reluctant expression, I understood her intent, and felt the tension drain out of my shoulders.
Ah, I see. She knows that even if she just said “go home,” I wouldn’t listen — so she’d deliberately given me an errand instead. Yukiya-san’s company sits right along my commute route, after all.
“…You don’t need to send me straight home, though. I could deliver it in the morning and still make it back. You’ve got afternoon meetings too, don’t you, Yui-san?”
“Kanata. Do you remember the promise we made, when I made you secretary?”
I lifted my gaze from our laced fingers to look at her. The gentleness in her eyes, coaxing, squeezed my heart, sweetly tight.
“You promised you wouldn’t push yourself too hard, didn’t you? So today, listen to what I say. Okay?”
Really, why is Yui-san so kind. Feeling, genuinely, how treasured I am, something deep in my chest warmed.
“…Understood. Then, I’ll take you up on that.”
Nodding, obedient, Yui-san smiled, happy, “good.”
Unable to hold back the feeling welling up inside me, wanting, even just a little, to be held, I gave her hand a small tug.
Understanding immediately what I wanted, Yui-san wrapped an arm around my waist and hugged me tight. Catching that sweet, beloved scent, I closed my eyes.
Strange. My heart, which had been churning this whole time, calmed, settled, just from being held like this.
I need to pull myself together. Yui-san’s working hard for my sake too, so I should be able to do the same.
Not just always receiving something from you — I need to become someone who can support you too. I need to grow stronger.
＊＊＊
Slipping the meeting minutes and a return envelope into an A4 envelope, I tucked it into my bag.
“Well, I’m off.”
“Yeah, take care.”
Waving to Yui-san, I left the office.
Feeling the frigid air against my cheeks, I hurried toward the nearest station.
I’d already called Yukiya-san’s secretary earlier to let her know I’d be coming in Yui-san’s place — but just to be safe, I decided to message Yukiya-san directly too.
First time messaging him since we’d exchanged contacts. A little nervous, I let my fingers move across my phone.
Yukiya-san said he’d been Kitagami-san’s childhood friend. Which means, surely, he knows him well.
Since I finally had the chance to meet him, I decided to ask, about Kitagami-san.
—Thank you for everything, always. This is Aozawa. I’m on my way to deliver the meeting minutes now. Separately from that, there’s something I’d like to consult you about, if you could spare just a little time.
A little nervous, I tapped send. A few seconds later, the message showed as read.
A cheerful little chime sounded, and back came a message — “sure” — along with a cute cat sticker, and I couldn’t help a small laugh.
Yukiya-san’s a lot like Yui-san, but maybe this part’s a little different.
Yui-san’s never this quick to respond, and I’ve never once seen her use a sticker.
Right. I don’t need to carry this alone — let me lean on someone. On people who’ll actually help me.
I want to believe this love, between me and Yui-san, isn’t something that only deserves blame.
Because there are people, right here, who genuinely push us forward.
＊＊＊
“Kanata-chan, sorry for pulling you away from work. Thanks for bringing the minutes.”
Yukiya-san’s company sat in an office building a few stations away from ours, in a business district.
Popping out to greet me at reception, Yukiya-san wore a casual jacket rather than his usual sharp board-meeting suit, clean white leather sneakers on his feet.
Without that formal suit, he somehow looked, again, exactly like the first time we’d met.
Taking the envelope, he showed me into a reception room, and, prompted, I sank onto the plush, soft sofa.
“Um, thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule.”
“No, don’t worry about it. So, what’s this about? Some trouble with Yui?”
Sipping the coffee a female employee had brought in earlier, Yukiya-san cut straight to the point.
Those eyes, that familiar color, watched me, steady. I could tell he genuinely intended to listen seriously to whatever I had to say.
“No, it’s not about Yui-san… actually…”
I gripped my palm tight.
Yukiya-san, busy as he is, had made time to hear me out.
So, I’ll tell him everything. Thinking that, I opened my mouth.
That Yui-san and I had started dating over the summer.
But that Kitagami-san had figured out our relationship.
And that yesterday, he’d called me out, offered me a reverse secondment to Holdings.
That he’d brought up my father, threatening me into leaving Yui-san’s side.
I confessed everything, bit by bit, laying it all bare.
Never rushing me as I stumbled, occasionally lost for words, never once cutting me off the way Kitagami-san had — Yukiya-san just stayed quiet, waiting for my words, listening.
“I know I’m doing something unforgivable. It’s understandable that Kitagami-san would be angry…”
Once I’d finished telling him everything, Yukiya-san let out one long, heavy sigh, and pressed a hand to his forehead.
“…Kanata-chan, sorry you had to go through something this hard. You’re not the one at fault. Yui really should handle things better — honestly, what a troublesome little sister.”
Leaning back against the sofa, Yukiya-san crossed his arms, thinking. Ah, that gesture, Yui-san does that too, I thought, faintly out of place given the situation, waiting for his words.
“So Shinji hasn’t changed a bit, even now. When he knows he can’t win fair and square, he always resorts to something underhanded like this.”
“Yukiya-san… do you think Kitagami-san would actually go tell my father’s company about this?”
I asked the thing I’d been anxious about.
“Hmm… I doubt it. Your father and our father are close friends, so Shinji has to know pulling something like that would earn our father’s full wrath. And besides, you two are both women — even the staying-over thing could easily be explained away as close friends. So you don’t need to worry too much. It’s probably just a bluff. I think you can go on as usual.”
Yukiya-san glanced at the calendar on the wall.
“But a week from now… that’s the day before Christmas Eve, isn’t it. Doesn’t Shinji have anyone to spend it with? Poor guy, lonely.”
Saying that, teasing, he laughed, and, drawn along, I couldn’t help but laugh too.
“…Don’t worry. Leave Shinji to me. I’ll look into a few things myself. If anything else happens, let me know right away. You still don’t want to tell Yui about this, right? So, this stays between the two of us.”
Holding a finger up to his lips, Yukiya-san smiled, bright.
“…Understood. Thank you so much, Yukiya-san.”
“No, I’m the one who should be thanking you. …Kanata-chan. Thank you, for choosing to be with Yui.”
Saying that, Yukiya-san smiled, genuinely, deeply happy.
Maybe because he’d said “don’t worry” — my heart, which had been shaken so badly by Kitagami-san’s words, felt, at last, a little steadier.
My steps on the way back felt considerably lighter than on the way there.
Plenty of problems still piled up ahead. But my feelings had settled. I reflected, deeply, on how easily I’d been swept along by Kitagami-san’s pace.
I won’t run anymore. A week from now, whatever he says, I won’t be pushed around. I’ll refuse him, properly.
And if, because of that, he really does bare his fangs at me — I absolutely will not lose.
I made that vow, firm, to myself.
＊＊＊
Maybe from not sleeping well the night before, once I got home, I found myself passed out on the sofa, dead to the world, without even eating dinner.
By the time I woke, the room had gone dark, and checking the wall clock, it was already past seven.
No wonder I was hungry. Forgetting to eat entirely, unlike me…
Still sprawled on the sofa, I rubbed my growling, complaining stomach. What do I do, I’m hungry but I have zero motivation to actually cook anything.
Fumbling blind, I grabbed the light remote and switched it on.
Thinking I’d order some delivery, I pulled my phone out of my pocket, where it had stayed the whole time.
As if perfectly timed, my phone rang right then. Startled by the sudden appearance of my girlfriend’s name on the display, I tapped the call button immediately.
“Hello, Yui-san, what’s up?”
“Ah, Kanata? Are you home right now?”
“Eh? Ah… yes, I am…”
“Good. I sent you a message and you never replied at all.”
“Ah, sorry, I fell asleep right after getting home…”
Right as I said that, the doorbell chimed, and I scrambled to sit up straight.
“Kanata, I’m here, open up.”
“Eh…?”
Not fully understanding what was happening, I scrambled up from the sofa.
Could it be… had she actually come? All the way to my apartment?
Smoothing my hair with my fingers, not even bothering with slippers, I hurried barefoot toward the entryway. Turning the lock with a click and opening the door, there stood Yui-san, her mouth and chin wrapped completely in a blue plaid scarf. The edges of her ears, peeking through her long black hair, had gone faintly red from the cold.
“Yui-san, why…”
“…Sorry, you seemed a little down, so I got worried and came.”
Saying that, Yui-san’s brows drooped, and she smiled, sheepish. Unable to bear that smile, I found myself pulling her hand, forceful, dragging her into the entryway.
The moment the door slammed shut behind us, I threw my whole weight against her body, clinging.
“Wa—”
Startled, Yui-san caught my body gently and held me steady.
Her thick black coat was cold from the winter air outside. My place doesn’t have parking, so… had she come by train?
Touching her pale cheek, startlingly cold, I nearly felt tears welling up.
“Kanata, are you okay?”
I nodded — yes. It’s fine now. Because you came to me. That alone is more than enough.
Hugging that slender body tight, tight, I breathed in her sweet perfume, filling my chest with it.
“Yui-san…”
“What is it, Kanata?”
“…I love you. Always, only look at me.”
Pressing my face against her chest, clinging as I said it, Yui-san laughed, out loud, and hugged my body so tight I could barely breathe.
“…I’m being serious, why are you laughing…”
“Sorry, sorry… it’s just, you’re too cute. Don’t worry, I only ever look at you, Kanata. From here on, always.”
A cold kiss pressed against my cheek. “Cold,” I protested, and Yui-san said, “then warm me up,” rubbing her cheek against mine.
“…Hey, Yui-san, I’m hungry. Haven’t eaten dinner yet, so, let’s make something together. I’ve got ingredients.”
“Of course. Kanata, you’ve actually been cooking for yourself? Impressive.”
I’d been about to order delivery just a moment ago… but since she’d praised me, I decided to keep that to myself.
“Don’t tease me. Even so, I’ve genuinely been trying hard at it, since I started living alone, however bad I still am at it…”
“I’m not teasing, I mean it. Oh, right, I bought cream puffs from your favorite shop near the station, so let’s eat those together after dinner.”
Handed the paper bag, I nodded, “yeah.” Then I pulled her hand and welcomed her into my warm room.
*
Tonight’s going to be cold, surely.
But it’s fine. As long as we can fall asleep, holding each other close, I think we can get through any winter, together.