Episode 56: Romantic Feelings

Lately, I’ve been trying to keep my distance from Takizawa.

I’ve been doing this ever since we had that sort of sleepover with Mayo and Hikari. The reason is that my feelings for Takizawa are simply not acceptable.

If I want to continue seeing Takizawa in the future, all the more reason why I must stop seeing her until these feelings have settled down.

　However, the further away I got, the stronger my desire to see Takizawa became.
Whenever we passed each other at school or our eyes met, I immediately wanted to speak to her.

Apparently, I was staring at Takizawa so much that my close friends Nao and Akari even said to me, ‘Aren’t you looking at Takizawa a bit too much?’

　I’ve been acting strangely lately, I can’t even control my own feelings.

Even so, I hoped that by the time the Christmas party came around, I’d be back to my old self and could enjoy the party with Takizawa and Mai.
I’m usually good at suppressing my feelings, but for some reason, when it comes to Takizawa, it just doesn’t work…

　＊＊＊

‘…It’s far too high a fever.’

When I looked at the thermometer, it was over thirty-eight degrees.
It’s bad enough that I should go to the hospital.
But I feel too ill to go to the hospital.
I don’t want to do anything.

I’ve had a fever since yesterday and haven’t been able to do anything on my own; I feel like I’ve only been drinking water. My head feels foggy because I haven’t eaten anything.

　Mum… Dad…

How long has it been since I last had a fever?
I don’t think I’ve had one since my parents passed away.

Since I’m on my own, if I catch a cold, there’s no one to help me. Perhaps I’ve been letting my guard down lately because there’s been so much to enjoy.

I was supposed to have a Christmas party with Takizawa and the others today.
Basically, I spend every Christmas on my own.
Up until now, most of my friends had boyfriends, so I never spent it with them.

　——Alone again this year.
Just as usual.
Still, I can’t help wondering what Takizawa was planning to give me.

Even if it was just a single origami crane, if it came from Takizawa, it would be a treasure to me.

‘I really wanted a Christmas present from Takizawa… cough cough’

My head hurts.

I feel sick even though I haven’t eaten anything.

‘Was a cold always this awful…’

My mind was so foggy that I couldn’t tell how much time had passed.

It was getting dark, so it must be around evening.

The doorbell rang.

Thinking it was a solicitor or a salesperson, I ignored it.

But it rang several times, so I thought they were being persistent and looked at the monitor, only to feel even more dizzy at the sight of the person there. I thought I must be hallucinating because of the fever.

Staggering, I made my way to the front door and opened it to find Takizawa standing there.

‘Ta-ki-za-wa… why…?’
Takizawa didn’t seem the sort to visit someone in hospital. Let alone come to see me.
My fever must have been so high that I was seeing things.

　Lately, I’d been treating Takizawa far too rudely. I’d even behaved in ways that made it seem only natural for her to dislike me.
So there was no way Takizawa should be here.

Takizawa said nothing and stepped inside.

I couldn’t muster the strength to stand and was about to collapse, but Takizawa caught me and carried me in her arms.
I’m definitely heavier than her, yet Takizawa picked me up without complaint, both at the summer festival and today.

　I felt something cold and soft against my back and realised I’d been laid down on the bed.

‘Why did you leave yourself in such a terrible state? Are you daft?’

I could hear something… I could see Takizawa’s angry face, but my vision gradually narrowed and my consciousness began to fade.

I don’t know how long I’d been asleep, but when I woke up, there was a lovely smell in the air.

My forehead feels cold.
A towel has been placed on it.

When the door to the room opened, I heard a soothing voice.

‘Endo-san, if you can manage to sit up a little, I’d like you to have some food.’
‘Takizawa, can you actually cook…?’
‘Stop nagging. I’ve just warmed up some porridge.’

I lifted my feverish body slightly from the duvet, and was served a tray with porridge and what looked like egg soup, which I began to eat.

　It was made quite bland, so it shouldn’t have tasted good, but just because Takizawa had brought it, it felt as delicious as a gourmet meal.

Perhaps because I hadn’t eaten for a while, once I started, I found myself wanting to take one mouthful after another, and the food Takizawa had brought was soon gone.

“I’m glad you’ve got an appetite. Have this.”

She placed some medicine in my hand.
Had she gone out of her way to buy it once she found out I had a cold?

　Once I’d finished the medicine, she stuck a cooling patch on my forehead and made me lie down on the futon.

‘Make sure you get plenty of rest.’

Saying that, Takizawa tried to leave the room.

I don’t want her to go… I’ll be lonely… I just want her to stay by my side until I fall asleep…

‘Takizawa…’
‘Hmm?’
‘…I want you to stay with me.’

I’d always been used to being alone.
　Being alone was the norm.
But since I started spending time with Takizawa, being alone hasn’t felt normal anymore.
I’ve started to fear being alone.

And I’ve started to want to be with Takizawa.

Takizawa always helps me.
Today was no exception.

If anything, I wish she’d treat me coldly, as she usually does.
Then I could fold up these feelings. Fold them up and tuck them away in the deepest corner of the cupboard.

I want her to walk out and say, ‘Sort it out on your own.’

But, as always, it’s at times like this that Takizawa betrays my expectations.

‘I’m not going anywhere, so go to sleep.’

She said that, took my hand, and wiped the tears streaming down my cheek with her other hand.

I don’t even know why I’m crying.

It just feels so good to have her hand in mine.
I don’t want to let go of this hand.

　I don’t want to give it to anyone else—.

When I woke up, it was morning.
Where was Takizawa…?
I looked at the hand still clasped in mine, wondering if everything that had happened yesterday had been nothing more than a figment of my imagination.

Takizawa was still holding my hand.
What’s more, she was sleeping, leaning against the bed.

　On such a cold day… Takizawa’s going to catch a cold like this.
As I hurriedly sat up, Takizawa woke up too.
She rubbed her eyes and looked at me.

‘Endo-san, are you awake…?’

Takizawa looked exhausted.
No wonder. Yesterday, I made her look after me, and on top of that, I let her sleep here.

As I frantically thought about all this, Takizawa leaned her face closer.

　Not knowing what to expect, I instinctively closed my eyes.

Takizawa’s forehead touched mine.

‘Hmm… you’re still a bit hot. You need to sleep a little longer. Actually, it’s cold.’

Saying that, Takizawa slipped into my duvet and lay down, wrapping her arms around me.

My heart, which had been quiet until just a moment ago, began to pound as if it had come back to life.

‘Endo-san, you’ve still got a bit of a fever, so your warmth is just right.’

Takizawa’s body was cold, and I was quite worried.
Thinking I had to warm her up even a little, I pressed myself against her.
But more importantly—

‘Takizawa, what about school…?’

School goes until today. It’s the winter holidays from tomorrow, so I have to go to school.

There’s no way Takizawa would skip school.

“—I’m taking the day off because of you, Endo.”
“Eh…?”

She hugged me tightly.

“I can’t concentrate in class because I’m worried, so I’m not going.”
Saying that, she took a deep breath and closed her eyes.

Only the sound of my heartbeat remains in this room.

Takizawa is always so sly.

She does things like this without ever knowing how I feel.
She’s always there for me when I’m going through a tough time.
She does it as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

I suppose Takizawa is probably like this with everyone.

But I’ve never seen her do that sort of thing for anyone else, so I hope she’ll always be there just for me.

No matter how tightly you cover it, water will spill over from a boiling pot.
　It bubbles and boils, and the heat that can no longer be contained escapes.

I didn’t want to realise it.
I pretended not to notice.

But I can’t look away from these feelings.

‘I like Takizawa Hoshizora.’

I want to be by her side not as a friend, but as a lover.
I want to touch Takizawa.
I want to have Takizawa all to myself.

　Even now, this warmth feels so good.

A feeling I’ve never felt before.

I’ve shut it away time and time again.
I’ve turned a blind eye to it.

But I can’t hold it back any longer.

I stretched my body out from Takizawa’s arms and pressed my lips against hers.

　Takizawa, who had been asleep just a moment ago, opens her eyes.
It doesn’t matter if she doesn’t accept me.
No, actually, I think I’d prefer to be rejected, yet I pry open Takizawa’s mouth with my tongue.

Takizawa opens her mouth readily, and my tongue touches her soft tongue. The heat mingling inside our mouths spreads through my whole body; I can feel the heat reaching right down to my toes.

　As if returning my heat, Takizawa slipped her hot tongue into my mouth. She gently caressed the inside of my mouth. It felt so good that I let out a strange moan.

Kissing Takizawa feels so good that I almost hate myself for it.

I want to ask her why she does this for me. But I can’t bring myself to ask, because I feel that if I do, she might never do this for me again.

　I think I’m cowardly and selfish.

I’m happy whenever Takizawa does this to me, in whatever form.
Just as I’m thinking that, Takizawa pulls away.

‘I’ll catch your cold. I don’t want to be stuck at home and unable to study, so I don’t want that.’

Saying that, she tries to pull away physically, so I hug her tightly to stop her from leaving.

　It’s so typical of Takizawa to have her head full of studies even at a time like this.
　Still, here she is, skipping school to stay by my side, even though studying is so important to her.

　I wish Takizawa would catch a cold too. I want to touch her lips more and more, and pass my cold on to her.
　If Takizawa catches a cold, I’ll stay by her side and look after her.
　Then, I’ll be able to be alone with Takizawa again.

‘If Takizawa catches a cold, I’ll look after her until he’s well enough to study again.’

There was no reply.

Takizawa must be tired; she’s fallen asleep.

I didn’t want to admit the feelings that had been swirling around inside me for so long, but I had no choice. However, once I admitted them, they settled within me surprisingly easily, and the cloud that had been hanging over me began to fade.

All that remained in my body was the burning emotion that I liked Takizawa.

　I like Takizawa…

How happy would I be if I could tell her that?

If I’m lucky, I hope Takizawa feels the same way.

I know, given Takizawa’s personality, that such a future will never come to pass.
But just for now, I want to be allowed to have this sweet dream.

As I gazed at Takizawa’s beautiful face, even whilst she slept, I felt so at ease that, before I knew it, I had fallen asleep myself.