Episode 44: Is there anyone who gets disappointed when having sex with someone they fancy?

“Hands up.”

Yui-san whispered gently as she pulled up my T-shirt. My mind went blank, unable to think at all, and I did as I was told. In an instant, she had stripped off the T-shirt I was wearing.

Feeling exposed in just my bra, I clasped my hands tightly over my chest. Yui-san’s gaze fixed intently on my body.

　Her gaze, heavy with heat, made me realise with a sinking feeling: ah, I’m going to have sex with this person now.

My heart pounded so loudly I couldn’t tell if it was the alcohol or Yui-san causing it.

“…Your underwear is cute.”

“You always look at them when I’m doing the laundry, don’t you?”

“Yeah, but this is the first time I’ve seen you wearing them.”

　Yui-san’s fingertips gently traced the area not covered by the cup. My shame flared, and I squeezed my eyes shut. Before I knew it, a palm had reached my lower body, caressing my thigh, then undoing the hook of my skirt.

“Lift your hips.”

I obeyed Yui-san’s whisper, her lips pressed against my neck. What should I do? This is so embarrassing.
　With my skirt removed, leaving me literally clad only in underwear from top to bottom, her deep black eyes stared intently at me.

Her fingertips gently traced the part of my stomach not covered by fabric. Then, her arms slipped around my back and she held me tightly.

“…Your body’s hot. You’re flushed. Cute.”

　Perhaps I’m not very good with alcohol. My whole body feels hot, my head is fuzzy, and I can think of nothing but Yui-san.

Kisses were repeated on my forehead, my eyelids, my lips. I couldn’t bear it any longer and pulled her neck towards me. When I gently tucked the silky black hair that spilled down behind her ear, Yui-san smiled and kissed me again.

It wasn’t the gentle kiss from before. This time, it was deep, a kiss that stole my breath, filled with heat.

It was strange. Just having my tongue tangled and sucked made me feel an unfamiliar heat gathering deep in my stomach. While giving me that kind of kiss, one that stirred desire, Yui-san’s hands moved around my back.

Pulling away from my lips once, Yui-san looked into my eyes and said softly, “Kanata, arch your back.”

A woman accustomed to being held would probably understand this without being told, but it felt slightly embarrassing to have my lack of experience revealed in such a way. And yet, I was the one who had pressed her to hold me.

　When I did as instructed, the sudden pressure on my chest vanished, and I realised the clasp of my bra had been undone.

Before I could even think ‘Ah’, that mischievous hand slipped through the gap in my underwear, gently cupping my breast as if scooping it up, making me feel as though my heart had been seized.

　Ah, a woman’s hand. Different from a man’s. The smooth texture of her skin, the sweet scent of her perfume – every detail was unmistakably female, yet my heart kept pounding faster and faster, refusing to quiet.

Suddenly overcome with intense embarrassment, I clung tightly to Yui-san’s neck as she tried to sit up, refusing to let go.

“…Kanata, you’re clinging too much. I can’t see like this.”

“You don’t need to see. It’s embarrassing.”

Speaking in a voice that seemed about to vanish, Yui-san groped blindly for the coffee table.

She picked up the lighting remote. With a beep, the room plunged into darkness. The orange emergency light enveloped the space in a dim yet perfect brightness – dark enough to switch off, yet still allowing us to see each other’s faces.

“Is this alright?”

She tossed the remote under the sofa with a flop and turned back to me.

“Face me, Kanata.”

She lifted my chin and her lips gently pressed against mine. Each time she changed the angle and brushed her lips against mine, the strength drained from my entire body. It felt good. I liked kissing Yui-san.

　The moment our lips parted, Yui gently sat up. This time, I didn’t hold her back as her body moved away. She slipped my bra off my arms, her gaze fixed on my body.

I felt so embarrassingly hot I could barely bear it, closing my eyes. What should I do? We’re going to do something even more intense now. I might already be at my limit.

　I felt like crying at how pathetic I was, cowering like this after putting on such a brave front. When she called my name, “Kanata,” I opened my eyes to find Yui gently stroking my cheek.

“…Are you scared?”

Why is she so… kind? She said she wouldn’t wait, yet in the end, she always puts me first. That part of Yui was what I loved so much I couldn’t bear it.

Shaking my head from side to side. I’m not scared. I’ve never once thought Yui-san was scary.

“I… I’m… I’m… I’m… I’m… I’m… I’m… I’m… I’m… I’m… I’m… I’m… I’m… I’m… I’m… I’m… I’m… I’m… I’m… I’m… I’m… I’m… I’m… I’m… I’m… I’m… I’m… I’m… I’m… I’m… I’m… I’m… I’m… I’m… I’m… I’m… I’m… I’m… I’m… I’m… I’m… I’m… I’m… I’m… I’m… I’m… I’m… I

“…Would anyone really be disappointed having sex with someone they like? It’s alright. If it hurts or doesn’t feel good, don’t hold back — just tell me.”

My alcohol-addled brain wasn’t functioning properly. Driven solely by the desire not to let this person go, I reached out to Yui.

I wrapped my arms tightly around her neck, pulling her close, and gazed into her eyes.

“Can we continue?”

She nodded. Yui smiled happily. Her gentle lips descended softly.

It’ll be alright. With you, Yui, it definitely will. Even if it hurts, even if it’s painful, as long as you only look at me, that alone makes me happy.

＊＊＊

For me, sex was something you endured until the other person was satisfied. My own pleasure had never been part of it, not once.

I thought that was just how it was. It was my body’s fault, my problem. I believed that for so long, so very long.

I did… believe that. Or so I thought.

　Wait, wait, wait. This is wrong. Absolutely wrong.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Because I’m frigid, I’ve never once felt good doing it.

I don’t know this feeling.

I writhe, struggling to escape the sweet tingling that reverberates through my entire body, but I can’t escape her long fingers piercing deep inside me.

　”Kanata,” she murmured feverishly in my ear, and my chest burned. Between ragged breaths, only incoherent, whimpering sounds escaped me – “Ah,” or “Ugh,” nothing more.

What is this? I don’t know this. I don’t understand. It’s frightening. Tears welled up and wouldn’t stop flowing. I desperately pushed against her shoulders as she whispered “cute, cute” into my ear over and over, but such feeble resistance meant nothing.

“Kanata, your arms. This way. You can hold on.”

Prompted to wrap my arms around her neck, I clung to her, terrified. Kissed, the sounds that spilled out of me were sucked into her lips.

Clutching her close, I can smell that lovely scent. Yui-san’s scent, the one I adore. My chest grows hot. Right now, Yui-san is looking only at me.

Suddenly wanting to see her face, I loosen the arms holding her slightly. Through my tear-blurred vision, I make out Yui-san vaguely. Our eyes meet – eyes as deep black as the night sea.

　Her eyes, piercing and filled with heat. Knowing she desires me like this, an indescribable feeling wells up inside me.

“Yu…i-san…”

From the waist down, I feel so hot I might melt. The sounds I hear reveal just how much I crave her.

“…Does it feel good?”

Hearing her say that, I finally understood. So this is what it feels like to feel good. Once I understood, my mind became entirely filled with that sensation of pleasure.

It was my first time. I wasn’t scared, it didn’t hurt. It just felt utterly good to be loved.

I nodded vigorously, and Yui-san smiled reassuringly.

“Let me hear your voice more. Call my name.”

I did as she asked, calling her name over and over. Every part she touched felt hot.

　My vision flickered as an unknown sensation surged up inside me.

“Wait, Yui-san, something… it’s scary…!”

My body trembled. I knew intellectually. I knew this act brought pleasure, and that it had an end. I’d thought it was a sensation I’d never know in my lifetime.

　As if to soothe my confusion, Yui-san kissed my cheek.

“…It’s alright, it’s not scary. Just bear with it a little longer. Then it’ll feel even better.”

That’s a lie. It’s absurd, it can’t be true. Even as I thought that, a sweet, agonising ache crawled up my spine, making my whole body tremble. I wanted to escape, but I couldn’t.

　The fingers she used during sex were her left hand’s middle and ring fingers. Just as she’d said. But I hadn’t heard she’d use her thumb too.

“Kanata. I love you… I love you so much.”

Whispered in my ear with an exceptionally tender voice, my body shuddered violently.

Ah, I can’t hold back anymore. The moment I thought that, it happened in an instant.

　The pounding of my own heart in my ears was deafening, my mind going completely blank.

Unable to contain the surging urge, I realised I was biting down hard on the white shoulder peeking out from beneath that T-shirt.

“I-it—”

A moan sounded right by my ear. Even so, her fingers didn’t stop.
My consciousness was swept away by the repeated, electric-like surges of pleasure coursing through my body, and I couldn’t even comprehend what I was doing to her.

It felt as if I were floating in mid-air. All the strength drained from my body, and the arm I’d had wrapped around Yui-san’s neck slid limply onto the sofa. Her chest rose and fell repeatedly with ragged breaths.

What should I do? It’s incredible, so good. The reason I wanted to bite her — I finally understood.

Yui gently pulled away and pressed her hand to the shoulder I’d been biting moments before. It must have hurt terribly; she exhaled sharply and gave a wry smile.

“I’m sorry…”

Between gasps, I managed the apology. Yui chuckled softly and shook her head.

“Nah, it’s fine.”

This quality of hers, I thought, must be what captivates women everywhere. The way she forgives and accepts everything. Not just during sex, mind you.

　My whole body still tingled sweetly, my breathing uneven, and I felt as if I might sink into the sofa. Held tightly, kissed repeatedly, a hazy, happy feeling welled up deep within my chest.

“…Calm down yet?”

I nodded. Yui then rubbed her cheek against the nape of my neck and smiled happily.

“…Kanata, can you stand? Let’s go to the bed.”

“The bed…?”

What would we do in bed? Did she want to sleep together? Completely daft from the alcohol and the pleasure bestowed upon me, I nodded as Yui urged me on.

Because I didn’t know. That sex between women doesn’t end after just once.

＊＊＊

“Kanata, hey, how long are you going to stay facing that way? Turn towards me.”

Yui-san’s slightly sulky voice came from behind me.

She pulled me tightly towards her from behind, and reluctantly, I turned to face Yui-san.

　After being dragged onto the bed, it was quite some time before I was released. To be honest, I barely remember the end.

With the alcohol completely gone, I’d been too embarrassed to even look at her face until just now.

I wanted to bury my head in my hands at the fact that I’d been the one to make the move.

I timidly gazed at Yui-san, and she smiled happily.

“Head up.”

She offered me her arm as a pillow and hugged me tightly. Being naked together, our bodies pressed perfectly together felt wonderful.

“You’ve finally cheered up.”

“…I wasn’t sulking, you know.”

　I was just embarrassed. Pressing my lips against Yui-san’s collarbone, I heard her giggle, tickled.

“Yui-san, I want to take a bath.”

“Yes, that’s fine. Let’s have one together in a little while, shall we?”

Saying that, Yui-san glanced at the wall clock. Then, suddenly, she gasped as if noticing something.

“Kanata, happy birthday. I was so engrossed I didn’t realise it was past midnight. I’m sorry.”

I hadn’t noticed the date had changed either. All because of Yui-san.

“…Thank you.”

As she gently stroked my hair, a wave of happiness washed over me. I softly stroked Yui-san’s shoulder, which was red and swollen. I hadn’t realised it, but I must have bitten down quite hard, leaving a clear mark.

　Suddenly, I noticed an old scar running straight across the area below Yui-san’s collarbone. Stitch marks? I gently traced the scar with my fingertips.

“Yui-san, this scar… what happened?”

“Hm? Ah, this? This is from an accident I had a long time ago… a scar from that time.”

　An accident…? For a moment, I felt like I’d asked something I shouldn’t have. Perhaps it was a topic I shouldn’t have broached. Yui-san doesn’t like talking about the past much.

Startled, I looked up into her eyes. They softened gently. It felt like she was saying it was alright to ask.

“…It was when I was in Year 1. I had the accident on the way to hospital.”

“Hospital…?”

“Yes. Yuki-nii caught a nasty cold that was going around and had a high fever. Dad had an important meeting, so to avoid catching it, he stayed at a hotel for a while. But Mum, who was looking after him, ended up catching it.”

I could hear Yui-san’s heartbeat, steady and rhythmic. I held my breath, listening intently, determined not to miss a single word she said.

I remember Mum phoning Dad, saying she wanted him to come home. But Dad couldn’t come back. So Mum had no choice but to drive… She must have been feeling ill. She had an accident on the way to the hospital.

I gulped, holding my breath. Could it be that Yui-san’s mother… in that accident…?

When I came round, I was in a hospital bed, and Dad was standing beside me, his eyes red. Yuki-nii and I were in the back seat, so we only got hurt… but Mum didn’t make it.”

“So that’s why Yuki-san and Dad fell out…”

“Yeah. That was the reason. …Yuki-nii thought it was his fault for running a fever, and Dad thought it was his fault for not being able to come home. Dad cried and apologised to us over and over, but maybe that just made things worse. Since then, Yukiyo hasn’t spoken to Dad.”

I see. That’s why Yui-san doesn’t try to force them to reconcile. Surely, Yukiyo-san and Dad’s feelings of guilt haven’t healed yet. Seeing each other would be painful. That’s why.

But surely, because they’re family, they’ll understand each other. Given time. Because they’re parent and child.

　Gently, I pressed my lips to Yui-san’s old wound.

“I see. Thank you for telling me.”

“No, thank you for listening. This is the first time I’ve ever spoken about it. It’s not the sort of thing you’d discuss over pillow talk, is it?”

Saying that, Yui-san smiled. But I…

“No, I want to know. Everything you’re willing to tell me.”

　Piecing together the fragments, one by one. The completed puzzle revealed her true self: gentle, delicate, just as she was.

For the first time, it felt as though I’d been granted permission to step into the depths of her heart.

If only I could ride a time machine back and hold her tight, that first-year primary school girl who must have been in the depths of despair.

Yui-san hugs me tightly.

“I’m so glad I met you, Kanata. Right now, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.”

I wrapped my arms around her back and hugged her back just as tightly. We pressed our bodies together, sharing warmth, leaving no space between us.

The first day of my twentieth year, following what should have been the worst day of my nineteenth – for the first time, I knew what it meant to love someone from the bottom of my heart.