Episode 137: 19 Years Old (1)

The day before Endo-san’s birthday, I finished the shopping I needed and walked home.

Will she be properly happy?
Can I properly make her happy?

And if I’m lucky — will Endo-san become just a little more conscious of me as a presence.

I walked the familiar road home, those thoughts held close.

“I’m home.”
“Takizawa, welcome back. I was waiting.”

Endo-san came to meet me the moment I got in.
She was wearing her indoor clothes, but her hair was half-up — different from usual — and my heart made itself heard.

Without my saying it was alright, she clung to me of her own accord and looked delighted.
Like a dog that had been waiting all day for its owner to come home. I could practically see the tail wagging.

“It’s alright, isn’t it, Takizawa?”
“What is.”
“Coming into your room this afternoon.”
“We can just spend time on the sofa, can’t we.”
“Meanie.”

Endo-san wouldn’t let me go, and her soft, lovely scent was making my head swim.

In that state I kept my breaths shallow to avoid taking in her scent as much as possible, and settled in on the sofa to watch television.

“Can I borrow your hand?”

Why? — I thought, but I gave her my hand anyway, and my arm was clutched tight.

“What’s the matter?”
“It calms me down. Is that not okay?”

Endo-san was being very selfish today.
I know why.
There’s something special tomorrow, so she knows I’ll let her have her way — and so she pushes.

I couldn’t focus on the television, but I stayed there feeling her warmth.

I had no idea how much time passed — but the time just sitting in silence beside her passed in an instant, and then I went to start cooking.

“You’re cooking for me?”
“Stay over there today.”

I sat Endo-san on the sofa and headed to the kitchen.

I’d practised with Ranka’s help for this, so I thought it would be alright. I’d also been practising at home in secret, without Endo-san knowing. Even so, the anxiety about whether it would come out properly didn’t leave me, and I stood at the kitchen counter feeling quietly nervous.

When I arranged the food on the table, Endo-san’s face was one of disbelief.

“Takizawa made this?”
“If you don’t want it I’ll eat it all myself.”
“I’m absolutely not giving it up.”

At my words, Endo-san fixed me with an unbelievable glare. I’d thought I didn’t like her being defiant — and yet now even that felt endearing, which meant I’d grown quite soft on her.

Both the current Endo-san and my current self I could not only accept — if anything, I liked them.

I made a cut into the bear-shaped hamburger steak and brought it to my mouth.

Endo-san said it was “too precious” and wouldn’t eat it. And she was taking an unbelievable number of photos.

“What are you doing?”
“Because my favourite food is in the shape of a bear? It’s too cute not to photograph.”
“One should be enough.”
“However many I want is fine.”

Endo-san started taking photos again. I don’t like how she makes something out of nothing.

“If you’re not eating it, I’ll eat yours too.”
“Sorry. I’ll eat.”

She’d satisfied herself with the photos and was now focused on eating.

She kept telling me delicious until I was tired of hearing it, filling me with something indescribable — and that was unfair of her.

Spending an important day with someone important to me.

Coming from someone who had been afraid of making precious people, I sometimes still felt like this life couldn’t be real.

Again and again, looked at by the girl in front of me, smiled at, told thank you and I’m happy.

I even felt a slight unease — was it really alright for me to be this happy?

I wanted to tell her I’m happy too, but even those words were hard to say.

Maybe there was still a part of me that couldn’t quite believe it.

If I lost this life, I thought I probably wouldn’t be able to trust anything again. I didn’t know if I could go on living.

Being with Endo-san wrapped me in an unbelievable happiness — and right beside it, an equally large anxiety prowled.

“Shall we clean up?”
“Yeah.”

We cleaned up too, and then the hour I’d been quietly dreading arrived.

“It’s alright, isn’t it, Takizawa?”
“You’re the one who said you wanted to come in.”
“Excuse me for intruding…”

The moment she entered, Endo-san walked around my not-especially-small room with sparkling eyes. She always does that when she comes to my room — moves happily around it.

“Takizawa, let’s get into bed together?”

Endo-san pulled my arm and I had no choice but to get in.

I knew it would come to this.

And yet my heart was already showing signs of not holding up.

“Your scent is calming.”

Ignoring my feelings entirely, Endo-san was sniffing around inside my duvet.

“You weirdo.”
“But I love your smell.”

Saying that, she pressed herself against me tightly.

Anxious that she’d hear the sound of my heartbeat, I pushed Endo-san a little further away.

Just a little longer, I told myself.

Time passed faster than I expected, and before I knew it midnight had come.

I pattered over to the desk and took something out.

“Endo-san, face the other way.”
“Why?”
“Just because.”

Endo-san looked put out, but obediently turned toward the wall. I touched her supple hair and the nape of her neck was revealed. From behind, I reached my arms around her neck and fastened something silver-glinting at her nape.

“Happy birthday, Endo-san.”
“Oh——”

I wanted to be the first one to celebrate her birthday this year, before anyone else. And I wanted to be the one closest to her.

That wish had come true, and my heart was lifting.

I traced with my finger along the necklace resting on Endo-san’s beautiful collarbone.

It suits her, after all.

I was glad I’d consulted Ranka and agonized over the gift.

I want to plant myself in Endo-san. I want her to be full of me.

How do I fill Endo-san’s head with me?

How do I make sure I never have to give her to anyone?

Those were the only thoughts I had.

The necklace, I’d learned, meant you belong only to me.

A small star sparkled at the centre of the necklace.

When I’d bought it, it hadn’t shone like this. And yet the moment she put it on, it lit up as though life had been breathed into it.

I want you to be mine and mine alone——.

This had stopped being something to celebrate her birthday. A present that prioritized my own wish not to give Endo-san to anyone.

And yet she, gentle and pure as she is, would be happy about it.

Without knowing what was really in my heart.

If she knew my true feelings — would she find them repulsive and leave?

I just want her to wear this and let me feel that she’s mine for as long as she’s willing to be with me. That was my wish.

“Takizawa, that tickles. I want to see it in a mirror — can I get out of bed for a second?”

Endo-san made some excuse and tried to move away from me. But right now I didn’t want to let her go.

I pressed a kiss to the necklace, then slowly drew my lips along the skin beside it.

A red mark bloomed on her beautiful skin.

This would fade.

But the necklace, as long as it didn’t break, would remain.

“As long as you want to be with me — don’t take this off.”

Saying that, I gently pressed my lips to Endo-san’s.

Something we’d done so many times — something that should be perfectly normal between us now — and yet my heart was behaving in all kinds of impossible ways.

“I want to see the necklace.”

Endo-san was looking serious. I understood how she felt — but right now I didn’t want her going anywhere.

I took my phone from my pocket and photographed her neck.

There in the photo was the star-shaped necklace and the mark I had left. I showed it to Endo-san, and she seemed satisfied and made no more moves to leave.

“It’s pretty… but you pressed too hard, you know.”

Endo-san’s cheeks were flushed and she was pretending to be cross — and yet her voice and expression were so gentle.

“A collar does suit you, after all.”
“A collar. I’m not a dog. But — thank you. I’ll treasure it.”

She had no idea what was really in my heart. That’s why she could be so genuinely happy. If she knew my true feelings — would she find them disgusting and pull away?

“Takizawa, why did you choose a necklace?”
“I’m not telling.”
“Tell me.”
“…You won’t hate me?”

Maybe I was frightened — and yet somewhere I wanted her to receive it.

“Of course I won’t.”

Endo-san held me tight, and I think that’s what made me lose my senses.

“I don’t want to give Endo-san to anyone. I want you to be mine. That’s terrible, isn’t it——”
“Why? I’m so happy about it.”

Her voice was brighter than usual, and yet the arms holding me were stronger — and while I should have been unsettled, something in me was settling.

Endo-san, the necklace I’d put on her glinting beautifully, was looking at me seriously.

She pulled me close, and something soft pressed against my lips.

Her beloved voice reached me at my ear.

“I’ll give you all of me — heart and body——”

What…?

I was so overwhelmed by those words that not even a sound came out of me.