Episode 32: The Petal Was Still Attached

As a child, I didn’t understand the feeling of liking someone.

I think it was definitely during primary school that I grasped the idea that women are generally attracted to men.

When I could no longer keep up with the girls in my class chatting happily about love, I first felt something was off about myself.

　For some reason, I couldn’t develop feelings for anyone.
I had absolutely no interest in boys whatsoever. Even when I tried reading shōjo manga lent to me by friends, it just didn’t resonate at all.

I entered secondary school still not knowing what romantic feelings were. Every time I heard talk of ‘so-and-so and so-and-so are dating’ or ‘how far have they gone?’, a sense of anxiety came before any interest.

I couldn’t tell anyone. — That I still hadn’t had my first love.

　Perhaps there’s something wrong with me. Maybe I’m missing something.
It seems strange that I alone haven’t experienced the romance everyone else takes for granted.
I know that, yet my heart simply won’t stir.

Love seems like it would be fun.
My friends who talk about the people they like always look so happy. They get excited over the slightest thing – a chance glance, a single word exchanged – as if they’d won the lottery.

　How enviable, how joyful.
I’m interested, so why can’t I fall for someone?

Perhaps I’ll die without ever knowing love.

Just as I was giving up hope, that spring day, I met Mitsuki.

　It was the day of our high school entrance ceremony.
The cherry blossoms were starting to fall, but still in bloom. I was dragging my feet along beneath the cherry trees lining the path from the school gate to the grounds.

The leather loafers I was wearing for the first time were stiffer than I’d imagined and wouldn’t mould to my feet. By the time I got from home to school, I’d managed to get a spectacular blister.
I could feel it bleeding from my heel.
　But, of course, I hadn’t brought any plasters with me.

I slumped my shoulders, thinking, I’ve really done it now.
There wasn’t a specific requirement, so I could have worn trainers. But I’d chosen this high school uniform for the simple reason that the design was cute, and I was absolutely certain brown loafers would suit it perfectly.

However, it seemed it would take longer than I’d imagined to break these shoes in. Naturally, I hadn’t brought any spare shoes either.

　I should have tried them on beforehand. Regretting it now is too late, though.

I wonder what the injury looks like. What state is it in?
I sat down on the bench beneath the cherry tree to check my foot, hidden by navy blue socks. It was a good thing I’d arrived at school early.

I took off the loafer and tentatively pulled the navy sock on my left foot down to my heel.

“Blimey… it’s bleeding, isn’t it? Bloody awful.”

Ugh, grotesque.
The skin on my heel was peeled back in a gruesome sight, leaving a dark stain on the sock.
Oh dear, what should I do? If I go to the infirmary, will they give me a plaster? But I don’t even know where the infirmary is.
Sighing, I tried to pull the sock back up again when I realised someone had stopped right in front of me.

“Your foot… are you alright?”

“Eh?”

Looking up, I saw a cute girl standing there with eyes as big as a cat’s.
Her long, straight black hair, untroubled by any kinks, shone glossy in the soft breeze. Standing amidst the falling cherry blossoms, she looked like a princess who’d stepped straight out of a picture book.

　She glanced at my heel, then rummaged through her school bag, pulling out two plasters from a small pouch.

“Blisters hurt, don’t they? Is that foot okay too?”

“Ah, yes…”

She knelt on the ground without caring if she got dirty and gently took my foot.
I flinched, yet I couldn’t tear my gaze away from her downcast eyes, from her long lashes.
I just stared down at her, utterly dumbfounded.

“It’s hard to put it on yourself, isn’t it? I’ll put the plaster on for you.”

　She supported my heel and placed my foot on her thigh.
Feeling the soft, springy thigh beneath my sole, I nearly gasped.
With her slender fingers, she deftly stuck plasters onto both my heels.

Cherry blossom petals fluttered down, landing softly on her head.

　After carefully ensuring my socks were properly pulled up, she brushed the sand from her knees with both hands and stood up.

“There you go. Here, take two more just in case they come off.”

Saying that, she handed me two more plasters from her pouch, which I accepted.

“Thank you… You really saved me. You’re a first-year too, right?”

The blue tie. Proof we were classmates.

“Yeah, I’m a first-year too. Your brown loafers are cute. Hope they break in nicely soon.”

It happened in an instant.
The moment I saw that innocent smile, those cat-like eyes narrowing as she laughed, I was head over heels.

“I’ve got to go now. They’ve asked me to come to the staff room. Take care of your foot, then.”

“Ah, wait!”

　I instinctively called out and stood up.
Her height, shorter than mine. I reached up to her bangs, which looked up at me with wide eyes, and plucked a cherry blossom petal.

“You had a petal on your hair.”

“Oh, I hadn’t noticed! How long was it there? Sorry, thanks.”

Saying that, she waved her hand at me vigorously and hurried off towards the school building.

“Ah, I forgot to ask your name…”

Left behind, I stood dumbfounded, staring only at her retreating back.

During the entrance ceremony, I learned her name was Kase Mitsuki.

When I saw Mitsuki take the stage and read the new students’ representative speech, my heart pounded with a rhythm I’d never felt before.

　Mizuki. …Kase Mitsuki.

That girl’s name.
How utterly lovely.

As if my monochrome world had suddenly gained colour, only Mitsuki’s surroundings appeared vividly clear to my eyes.

So that’s it. I finally understood.
The reason I’d never felt drawn to boys before.

　There was nothing wrong with me at all.

I liked girls.

I knew without needing anyone to tell me that this feeling was called love.
I felt as though hot blood was rushing into my heart. Never once in my life had I felt this way before.

I was so engrossed in watching Mitsuki that I couldn’t understand a single word the new student representative was saying.
　The resonance of her voice carried by the microphone throughout the gymnasium, the lips forming the words, those direct eyes, they gripped my heart tightly and wouldn’t let go.

What should I do? I’ve fallen for her.

She might not remember that day, but from that day on, Mitsuki became my special girl.

Yet, the moment I realised I was in love, I was certain I’d lost it.

　This was a love I had to give up.

After that, I watched Mitsuki from afar.
During whole-school assemblies. When we passed each other in the corridor. Even when she was having PE lessons on the school grounds. From my window seat, I always searched for her back.

Even if we couldn’t exchange words.
Even if this feeling was one-sided.
Just having Mitsuki in my field of vision made me happy forever.

It’s rather strange, isn’t it, to fall for someone you’ve barely spoken to. But it wasn’t about logic. Love at first sight really does exist.
Every single cell that made up my being was screaming at the top of its lungs that it loved Mitsuki.

Looking back now, it seems almost laughably childish, a pure, crystalline love.

　But now, because I know things I shouldn’t, simply gazing at Mitsuki no longer satisfies me.

Please, I beg you, let no one touch that skin, those lips.
This overwhelming possessiveness I can’t control is tormenting me.

Keeping up this charade within a dream of nothing but convenience… I’ve reached my limit.

　The reality I never wanted to know is closing in. I don’t want to wake from this dream.

I’m scared. I don’t want to take a single step out of here. I just want to stay locked away in this closet.

I don’t want anyone to know. Not about me. Not about Mitsuki and me. Don’t interfere. I want to stay in our world, just the two of us. Don’t barge in with your shoes on.

　In a love that leaves me so badly scarred, where I can’t protect my own heart unless I hide away, does a happy ending even exist?

If there’s a choice that could make Mitsuki and me happy together, then please, anyone, tell me what it is.