Episode 47
My mood was low.
Even though it was a precious day off, I resented having to walk outside under this hot sun.
But putting this problem off further wasn’t going to help either.
I arrived at the café we’d agreed on and stepped inside.
Scanning the room, I quickly spotted Yudzuki and Hinata and hurried over to them.
I forced my face into a smile immediately.
“Sorry, kept you waiting.”
“We just got here too, don’t worry!”
Hinata, cheerful as always.
Beside her, Yudzuki wore an expression that looked oddly uncomfortable.
I was a little surprised that Yudzuki could even make a face like that.
Thinking about it now, the Yudzuki in my head had always worn a composed, unbothered expression, and I realised I barely knew anything beyond that.
I’d treated her as a rival for so long, and yet I wondered what I’d actually been looking at this whole time.
Once I joined them, we ordered drinks, and before long a hot caffè latte arrived in front of me.
It had been a while since the three of us had spent time together, and I couldn’t quite remember what kind of atmosphere we usually talked in, so out of nervousness I brought the latte to my mouth too quickly.
“Ow.”
“You okay?”
“Yeah.”
Yudzuki was looking at me with real concern. She held out a handkerchief, but I shook my head and told her I was fine.
The inside of my mouth stung with heat, the skin peeling slightly.
It bothered me, but right now the priority was performing normalcy in front of the two of them.
I smiled, and Hinata smiled back. But her eyes shifted quickly to my neck, and her expression turned worried.
“Nanoha, what happened to your neck? Did you hurt yourself?”
“Ah, it’s nothing serious.”
I put a hand over the bruise, trying to hide it.
I’d meant to cover it with concealer, but apparently that hadn’t worked.
I really wanted to complain to Morishita about this.
Nearly a week had passed and the mark still hadn’t faded, biting someone hard enough to leave a bruise like that was unhinged.
Though, given how forceful I’d been that day too, I couldn’t exactly complain with a straight face.
I’d said I was fine, but both Hinata and Yudzuki kept looking at me with concern, so I spoke up again with a smile.
“Really, I’m fine. Just a bruise. It’ll heal soon.”
“I see. Well then, should we get to it?”
Hinata, usually so bright and lively, started speaking with an unusually heavy tone.
I braced myself, swallowing hard.
“First, Nanoha, to be honest with you—”
“I’m sorry, both of you.”
I cut off Hinata’s words with a bow of my head.
When I lifted my face again, both of them were staring at me, wide-eyed with surprise.
Understandable, I thought.
Looking at my own recent behaviour objectively, I recognised it hadn’t been good.
Of course, time with Morishita had become the most comfortable thing in my life. I’d once wanted so badly to disappear, and that was true, I no longer felt that kind of pain as often.
And I wanted to keep being with Morishita going forward, that was true too.
But toward Hinata and Yudzuki, who had spent most of my life with me from primary school through high school, my attitude had clearly been terrible.
Because Morishita was there, I’d started finding the two of them, who had always stayed close to me, a burden.
That, I recognised, had been an entirely self-centred way to act.
I wanted to properly acknowledge my own faults, and even if I wasn’t sure I could manage it, I wanted to make an effort to value the time with my three childhood friends too.
If I hadn’t mismeasured the distance with Hinata and Yudzuki from the start, none of this would have spilled over onto Morishita either.
“No, it’s not that I want you to apologise, Nanoha…”
“Hinata’s always loved the three of us spending time together, hasn’t she. I’m sorry.”
“No…”
Hinata looked unconvinced, watching me. But after a moment she nodded, saying “mm, mm,” as if telling herself to accept it.
“Nanoha, you haven’t been paying much attention to me lately, and it made me a little lonely.”
“You’re right. I’ll be more careful.”
“Yeah! I’d be happy if you were.”
If I’m asked whether I was speaking from the bottom of my heart, honestly, I wasn’t.
It might sound cold, but right now, spending time with Morishita fills my days more fully than spending time with the two of them does.
But I don’t want to act purely on my own desires and cause trouble for people who matter to me.
So I decided I needed to manage these relationships properly.
Then I turned to face Yudzuki.
I took a deep breath and let it out.
When I tried to speak, my throat tightened as though someone had gripped it, and my voice wouldn’t come.
Forcing my trembling throat to move, I continued.
“I never said this before, but honestly, I haven’t had good feelings toward you, Yudzuki.”
Maybe because I’d said it too plainly, both of them sat there with their mouths hanging open, stunned.
The sight was almost funny enough to make me smile, but I kept my face firm and continued.
“This is my fault. Being around you always made me come second, and you always looked so unbothered no matter what, and it frustrated me. But taking that frustration out on you was wrong. I’m sorry.”
I bowed my head to Yudzuki.
Having told her plainly how much her presence had weighed on me, I apologised for my own faults on top of it.
My behaviour had been far too childish.
Of course, I’ll probably keep comparing myself to Yudzuki and suffering over it going forward too. Even so, I can at least try not to let that frustration show in how I treat her.
Whether I’m better or worse than Yudzuki, time keeps flowing regardless, tomorrow keeps coming regardless, and the fact that I’m someone who falls short doesn’t change.
I decided to accept that version of myself, resigned to it.
I was able to think that way because Morishita taught me it was fine to be an incomplete person.
Foolishly, I let myself be reshaped so easily by Morishita. And because of that, I’ve become able to accept myself just as easily too.
Yudzuki was biting her lip, wearing an expression that looked pained in some way I couldn’t quite place. As I’d thought before, I still had no idea what was going on inside her.
“I just wanted Nanoha to watch me…”
“Watch you?”
“Yes. So that I’d be reflected in Nanoha’s eyes…”
“Right, right. I’ll make sure to properly value time with my important childhood friends from now on.”
Yudzuki had said something similar to this before.
Something like, it’s fine even if you resent me for it.
Yudzuki was probably, like Hinata, just wanting me to value the time between the three of us as childhood friends.
The responsibility for what happened this time lies with me.
I resolved to be more careful about how I treat people going forward.
Yudzuki kept muttering something afterward, still looking unconvinced, but pressing her further felt intrusive somehow, and I lost the moment to ask.
“Anyway, sorry for worrying you both. It’s exam season and I was cornered, so please forgive me.”
“No, I’m just relieved Nanoha’s back to normal.”
“Thanks for worrying about me. That said, I do have a complaint for you, Hinata.”
“What?!”
Hinata’s back went suddenly straight, staring at my face.
I’d never once spoken to Hinata this directly about something I actually felt, so she was probably surprised.
I was a little surprised myself, that I’d become someone who wanted to say things directly to Hinata at all.
“You said something strange to Morishita, didn’t you?”
“Ugh.”
“I can’t really talk big, since I’m the one who caused this whole situation, but I don’t think it was right to drag Morishita into a problem that belongs to us, the childhood friends.”
“…You’re right.”
“Yeah. Morishita looks like that, but she’s sensitive underneath, so please don’t say anything strange to her.”
“I’m sorry.”
Hinata’s shoulders drooped.
She’d probably only been acting out of concern for us, but letting that spill over onto someone outside our group wasn’t right.
I gently patted the head of the visibly repentant Hinata a few times.
“If you have something on your mind, I’d like you to say it to me directly.”
“O, okay. Got it!”
“Is there anything either of you still want to say?”
I looked between Hinata’s and Yudzuki’s faces, but both of them shook their heads.
I sensed a small shadow still lingering in Yudzuki’s expression, but decided it was fine not to press on it.
After that, a lighter, easier atmosphere settled over the three of us.
We talked about entrance exams, about school.
I felt relief at recovering something like our usual mood.
But just as I’d let my guard down, an unexpected question came flying at me from Hinata.
“Nanoha, do you like Mei-chan romantically?”
“Huh?!”
An involuntary sound escaped me, like all the air had gone out of my body at once.
Why would I need to like Morishita romantically.
She’s a girl, to begin with.
Liking someone, dating someone, that’s something you do with a boy, surely.
Both Yudzuki and now Hinata, why do they keep asking me the same kind of thing?
Being asked such a strange question left me suddenly, overwhelmingly tired.
“Morishita is just Morishita. I mean, sure, I like her well enough, but romantically…”
Then what would liking her romantically even mean?
I’d never once considered it before.
Conversely, what is it that I feel toward Morishita, calling it ‘liking’ her?
Her face rose up suddenly in my mind, and my heart started racing, my pulse growing violent.
What was this tightness…?
I felt the two of them watching me with concern and shook my head hard.
“Anyway, this topic is over!”
I forced the conversation about Morishita away.
Both Yudzuki and Hinata looked dissatisfied, but I switched the subject with forced brightness, and somehow managed to make peace with the two of them that day.