Episode 72: Conversation (3)

The story goes back a little.

When I got out of the bath, Mayo-san and Hikari-san were staring intently at me. Well, I’d already imagined this might happen, so I was prepared to answer whatever questions they asked.

‘Hina-chan, what do you think of Hoshizora-chan?’

Hikari-san asked with a serious expression.

‘What do you mean, “what do I think”?’

Even though I knew it was pointless resistance at this stage, I tried to resist anyway.

‘I’m asking if you have romantic feelings for Hoshizora-chan.’
‘I do. It’s a one-sided crush.’

It felt painful just saying it out loud. This love will surely never come to fruition.

‘Why don’t you just confess your feelings?’
‘Because I’m afraid that if I do, our current relationship will fall apart.’
‘But won’t that just mean you’ll be suffering forever, Hina-chan?’

　Hikari-san had hit a nerve, and my heart was pounding loudly.

‘It is painful. I don’t understand Takizawa’s feelings, and yet what we’re doing is more than just friends… But I thought it would be better than telling her how I feel and having this relationship end. If I just put up with it a little, Takizawa will let me get away with a bit of selfishness.’

Saying that, I gave a little smile. However, the two of them looked at me with expressions that seemed even more pained than my own.

“Hoshizora is way too oblivious — and I think Hoshizora is probably scared in her own way too. Scared of letting someone become important to her.”

Mayo-san answers with an apologetic look on her face.
“I know that too. She told me she wouldn’t let anyone become someone she loves or someone precious to her. So from the very beginning, my hopes were close to zero.”
“Then why—”

Hikari-san asked, looking even more distressed than I was.
Why? That’s obvious.

“I tried my best to become Takizawa’s friend. I even tried to suppress my feelings… but I just couldn’t suppress them. I’m sure you two understand, but feelings of love are something you simply can’t control.”

My chest aches deeply.
These feelings have become something I can no longer control.

That’s how much Takizawa Hoshizora has grown within me; she’s become like an incurable illness.
　That illness is steadily eating away at my heart.

“But I haven’t given up! I just need to make Takizawa like me enough to overcome her fears and the decisions she’s made for herself.”

　Suppressing my pain, I force a smile.

“You should stop pulling that face, at least in front of us.”

　Mayo-san said that and tugged my cheek to the side.

‘If you pull that face, Hoshizora will see straight through your lies.’
‘You’re right.’

As Mayo-san gently stroked my head, everything I’d been holding back spilled out. They fell in a steady stream onto the floor, just like the feelings I have for Takizawa, overflowing and impossible to stop.

Hikari-san and Mayo-san gently embraced me.

Do they think I’m a child or something?

‘Hoshizora, it’s not that she dislikes Hina-chan — nothing like that. I think she’s just scared. If anything, I think Hina-chan is more special to her than anyone.’
Mayo-san said that as she stroked my head.

“Even if that’s true, it still hurts. Takizawa is incredibly popular, you know. Even if I understand it in my head, I still can’t help feeling anxious.”
“Aaah, now I’m feeling miserable too!”

Hikari said that, threw herself into my arms, and smiled.

“Let’s go on a double date the four of us sometime.”
“A, a double date…”

From where I stand right now, that’s such a high hurdle I can’t even begin to imagine it.
Mayo, Hikari, Takizawa, and me.

What a scene that would be…

To begin with, I don’t even know if I’ll be able to date Takizawa in the first place.

“Haha, that sounds like fun. I’ll do my best to make that future a reality.”

I replied with the biggest smile I could muster.

‘If anything ever happens, you can always count on me. As your senpai, there’s plenty of advice I can give you.’

She puffed out her chest with pride.
Their support gave me a little peace of mind.

‘Takizawa sounds like she’s about to be back, so shall we drop this topic?’
With that, the three of us moved on to a different conversation.

　The weight I’d been carrying inside felt a little lighter. It makes such a difference whether you have someone to talk to about the person you like or not.

I’m so grateful to them both.

When Takizawa returned, she fixed her gaze on me. Just looking at her face made my heart thump loudly, as if it were telling me something.

　Takizawa offered to dry my hair for me, as I hadn’t had a chance to do so whilst I was talking with the other two. Thinking it was such a rare occurrence, I let myself be carried away by her kindness and wished this moment could last forever.

Once she’d finished drying my hair, she asked me what questions I’d been asked. I tried to brush it off, but Takizawa saw straight through my lie.

I don’t know if it’s because I’m easy to read or if the Takizawa family are just sharp, but even Mayo-san saw through my lie.

　I can’t answer now, but I hope I’ll be able to talk about it someday.

I want to be in a relationship where I can tell her I like her the moment I feel it.

I wanted to sleep next to Takizawa tonight.
However, when I asked if I could sleep with her, she refused.

Apparently, it’s because I do strange things.

It’s true; I do end up doing strange things because I want to be close to Takizawa. I suppose that sort of thing is unpleasant for her, after all.

　I hated being rejected by Takizawa.

It’s fine if I can’t tell her how I feel.

It’s just painful to think she might find me repulsive.

But I still want to sleep with Takizawa.

‘No…’

My true feelings slipped out before I could stop them. I don’t even know what expression I have on my face.

“Sleeping with Takizawa is so calming. When I wake up in the morning and Takizawa is right there in front of me, I feel like it’s worth being alive. I don’t mind if you think I’m gross, because it’s all the truth. If sleeping with me makes you feel uncomfortable, I’ll give up.”

Even as I say it, I think what I’m saying is gross. But once I properly told her how I really felt, Takizawa stopped rejecting me.

Lying there, Takizawa’s mouth opens.

‘I was bombarded with questions by the two of them, too.’

I wondered what they’d asked her. When I asked, Takizawa answered with a serious expression.

‘They asked what kind of feelings I have when I do things like this.’

Saying that, Takizawa leaned over me and kissed me.

And not just once. Over and over again, she kissed me as if to confirm something.

Every time she did, my heart felt like it was going to leap out of my chest. My arms were pinned down; I couldn’t resist.

Perhaps it was because I had no intention of resisting, or perhaps because I was happy to be treated this way by Takizawa, but I couldn’t muster the strength in my body.

What is Takizawa feeling as she kisses me now?

I couldn’t tell, even looking at her face.
The only thing I could hear was the sound of my own heart.

Takizawa took my hand.

Why are you treating me so tenderly?

Are we still just friends?

　Contrary to my painful feelings, Takizawa’s body heat feels comforting.

Takizawa’s warmth flows into me.

I could refuse the heat passing from Takizawa’s lips to mine, yet I accept it all.

　I grip Takizawa’s shoulder tightly, and our eyes meet.

My heartbeat quickens so much I worry she might sense it.

I’d only just resolved to make Takizawa fall for me little by little, yet that resolve was already beginning to waver.

I want to tell her I love her.

I wonder how Takizawa would react.

Would she not believe me, thinking I was lying, or would she tell me she couldn’t return those feelings?

Either way, I don’t think Takizawa would ever return my feelings right now.

It’s agonising………….

I felt as though my heart was screaming.

What would happen if I kept this to myself and never told her how I feel?

I don’t know.

But today, I want to go with the flow and just keep touching Takizawa, and I want to be touched by her.

I want to discover things about each other that we don’t know.

　I want to do things that only two people who like each other can do.

Suppressing the negative emotions welling up inside me, I called out Takizawa’s name and stopped her.

Takizawa looked as though she’d come to her senses.

I feel terrible about that.

My mind was in turmoil, and my body had forgotten how to move. As if to add insult to injury, Takizawa spoke to me.

‘I don’t understand my own feelings, so I thought I’d test them until I did.’

　What do you mean?

I suppressed my rising hopes once again and spoke to her in my usual tone.

“Takizawa told me not to do anything strange.”
“Right, I’m going to sleep now.”

With that, Takizawa turned away and fell asleep.

I really want to sleep next to her.
I miss Takizawa’s body heat.

But since I promised not to do anything strange just now, I have no choice but to hold back.

　Just a little bit… Just as I thought that and reached out, Takizawa looked over at me. she looked like she was in pain.

Why?

I can’t make head nor tail of Takizawa’s emotions today.

As I stood there thinking, Takizawa pulled me close, and I felt a sharp, stinging pain in my ear, causing me to cry out involuntarily.

“——Takizawa, that hurts.”

Takizawa was biting down with considerable force.

　I think she’s biting with enough force to tear my ear off. Normally, I’d have pushed her away to make her stop.

But I also thought it would be nice if this pain stayed with me forever. If it’s a wound Takizawa inflicted, it would be a treasure to me.

People might call that madness, but that’s just how deeply Takizawa has taken hold of me.

I want to be Takizawa’s lover.

　I wonder when I became such a greedy person. I used to think I could just muddle through relationships, as long as I wasn’t disliked by everyone.

But now it’s different.

I don’t care if anyone else hates me; I just want Takizawa to like me.

‘Hina, please stay with me forever…’

I hear words that make me want to doubt my own ears.

What did you just say?
Is that true?
Why?
　Was that the first time she’d ever called me by my first name?
I wanted to ask her to repeat it, why did she say that?
Why me?
Would anyone else do?
Why?

I wanted her to say it again.

But I was afraid that if I asked any of those questions, she might tell me to pretend it never happened, so I couldn’t bring myself to ask.

Only the words ‘stay with me forever’ remained in my mind as I drifted off to sleep in Takizawa’s arms.

　＊＊＊

　When morning came, Takizawa was right there in front of me.

　Remembering what she said yesterday, my face grew hot. I wonder what she was thinking when she said those things.

　When she says things like that, I can’t help but get my hopes up. Being called by my first name by Takizawa made me feel as though my heart had stopped belonging to me.

　It made me happier than being called by anyone else, and my name feels special.

　She’s only called me by it once, but even so, I’m happy and I’ll never forget it. I’ve never called Takizawa by her first name.

‘Sora…’

Feeling embarrassed, I hug Takizawa as she sleeps. she doesn’t look like she’s going to wake up any time soon.

Takizawa’s name is a beautiful one, just as the kanji characters suggest. I hope I’ll be able to call her by that name many times.

To ensure that future comes to pass, I’ve resolved to take things one step at a time.