Episode 129: Because I Love Her

Takizawa has been acting strangely lately.

“Hina~”

Yesterday too, she’d made dinner and waited — and then turned sulky and retreated to her room almost immediately.

“Hey~”

Did I do something wrong…? With all the shifts I’ve been working lately I’ve hardly been home, so I don’t really have a good read on how Takizawa is doing. When I asked her directly she wouldn’t tell me.

It’s true I’m the one overloading my schedule with shifts — but I have reasons for working so hard. I need money to maintain our current life together, and I want to be able to give Takizawa something. Whether it’s a present or anything else, you need money, and that’s why I’ve been piling on the shifts.

“Hina, I said!”

Ranka’s voice startled me. Now that I think about it, I’d vaguely heard her voice while I was lost in thought without registering it — that wasn’t good.

“Are you okay? You’ve been really out of it. Aren’t you working too many shifts?”

She was right. With the situation with Takizawa too, maybe I should cut back a little… I didn’t want any more distance between me and Takizawa.

“Let’s all hang out together sometime, to clear your head.”

A small-animal-like girl gripped my arm tightly, beaming as she suggested cheering up. At university I’ve been spending time with Mai and someone new she introduced me to — Miura Saaya.

Mai has been with me since high school and ended up in the same faculty. Saaya is someone I got talking to by chance when she seemed to be having trouble, and we became friends.

“You’re too warm, let go.”

I gently freed my arm from Saaya’s grasp. The small girl puffed out her cheeks. She already has a baby face, and looking even younger like that she barely seemed like a university student.

“Meanie, Hina.”

Saaya grumbled and started walking ahead of me.

“You know, Hina, you’ve really changed.”
“Have I?”
“Back in high school you definitely would have just let someone like Saaya do whatever they wanted. Seeing you actually say you don’t like things — it surprised me. You’ve gotten more honest.”

“Ooh, I want to meet the old Hina!”
“Alright, alright.”

I found the conversation getting a bit complicated and brought it to a close. It’s true that I don’t feel the need to mind my words around either Mai or Saaya. Back in high school I used to unconsciously perform a better version of myself whenever I talked to people — I thought that was the best way to keep relationships smooth. But it wasn’t everything. Of course, adapting to others can be important sometimes. But Takizawa taught me that it was enough to cherish the people who accepted me as I really was.

Mai and Saaya are two of the rare friends I can truly be at ease with.

The relationships I have with the two of them now are very comfortable, and the suffocating feeling I used to have with friends in high school is completely gone.

“You two should come stay over at my place sometime!”

Saaya’s eyes were sparkling. She was bobbing with excitement, her beautifully curled hair swaying.

“I’d be fine with it — Hina, are you okay?”

I hesitated to answer. Mai was being considerate of me. Mai knows I’m living with Takizawa, but I still haven’t been able to tell Saaya. I want to tell her about Takizawa someday — the opportunity just hasn’t come.

More pressingly, the question was how to answer Saaya. Lately I already have so little time with Takizawa, and I didn’t want to reduce our time together any further. But I couldn’t think of a reason to turn it down and couldn’t come to an answer.

“If our schedules line up, I’d like to.”

In the end I gave a non-answer, and the conversation moved on.

After lectures I went to work, and when my shift ended Yamamoto-san finished at the same time, so we had a chance to talk.

The world really is small — Yamamoto-san went to the same high school and also attends Takizawa’s university. The fact that the person Takizawa is spending time with at university turned out to be Yamamoto-san — a decent person — is a relief.

“Hina-san, are you still in touch with Hoshizora?”

My heart started beating faster at those words.

From the way she asked, Takizawa probably hasn’t told Yamamoto-san that we live together. I thought Takizawa would want to tell her herself rather than have it come from me, so I tried not to say anything too revealing.

“Yeah, I am. Something up?”
“I was just wondering. I’m planning a sleepover with Hoshizora — would you want to come, Hina-san? You two seemed close in third year.”
“Oh…”

My heart sped up even more. I hadn’t heard a single word from Takizawa about staying over at Yamamoto-san’s. I left the workplace in a hurry without giving a proper answer. Once outside I thought I’d been rude to Yamamoto-san, but I could apologise later — I didn’t stop. My heart was still racing as I hurried home.

When I got home, Takizawa was watching television in the living room.

“Welcome back. You’re late again today. I’ve made miso soup — eat some if you want. I’m going to sleep. Goodnight.”

On my shift days, Takizawa is always waiting in the living room for me. And even with her limited cooking repertoire, she always has some kind of soup or something warm ready for me at this hour.

That gentle side of Takizawa always makes my chest grow warm — and I can never hold that warmth back.

I got in the way of her going to her room and held her close.

“What is it, Endo-san. I want to go to my room.”

Starting this part-time job has meant so much less time talking to her, and I think we’ve been drifting further apart. The arm holding her tightened. Remembering Yamamoto-san’s words, my chest ached. Had Takizawa been planning to go to Yamamoto-san’s without telling me? Could it be that she didn’t love me anymore?

“Takizawa, I want to kiss you.”
“Why?”
“Just because.”
“…Endo-san, what’s wrong? Did something happen?”

What kind of face am I making right now? Is it too terrible to look at? I had no room left in me at all.

“Endo-san, I’ll kiss you — but in return, take a break from shifts for a while.”
“What…”

Takizawa kept her brow furrowed but reached up and gently stroked my cheek. That warmth was so soothing I wanted more of it.

“Your face says I’ve hit my limit. If something is bothering you, talk to me. I want to be there for you too.”

Those words made my head swim, and then a cool clarity spread through me. I’d finally come back to myself. Without any room left in me I’d been pushing too hard.

“Sorry for worrying you——”
“It’s alright — go have a bath first, okay?”

I did as she said and had a bath. Even though there was no need to rush, I hurried back to the living room where Takizawa was.

“You didn’t warm up properly.”
“Sorry. I wanted to get back to you.”

At those words, Takizawa’s eyes went wide. She took my hand and led me to her room. Takizawa’s room hadn’t changed much from her high school room. For some reason that gave me a feeling of calm.

Takizawa lifted her duvet with a little flourish and gestured with her eyes for me to get in. I gently perched on the edge of her bed and slipped under the covers. The slightly cool duvet was joined by a slightly warm Takizawa. My chest grew warmer and warmer — at this rate I’d turn into a human oven in no time.

“You really are warm, Endo-san.”

Takizawa let out a soft laugh. Just that was enough to squeeze at my chest. Lately I hadn’t been properly facing her. Of course I was doing this for the sake of our life together — but I’d gotten so depleted I couldn’t even understand myself. My body had been at its limit, and it took Takizawa to make me realise it.

“You’re warmer, Takizawa.”

I held her close. At that, I felt a little tension enter the small body in my arms. Almost immediately I felt a gentle push at my shoulder, and Takizawa was looking at me with a serious expression.

“Close your eyes.”
“Yeah…”

I wanted to keep looking at her — but I closed my eyes obediently, and a soft warmth spread across my lips. I wanted more — but Takizawa pulled away almost immediately.

“Keep your promise.”
“Yeah.”

When I answered honestly, Takizawa smiled a little and stroked my head. It was her fault for being so gentle. How much longer was I supposed to hold back this urge to touch her? I was the one who had said let’s take it slowly together the other day — and yet I was already on the verge of breaking that promise. So I held her tightly to settle the feeling.

“Endo-san, that’s tight…”
“…Takizawa.”
“What?”
“…Never mind.”

I wanted to ask whether she wanted to do more than just kiss — but when I looked at her face, I lost my nerve.

I gently pressed my lips to her forehead and said goodnight, and closed my eyes.