Episode 42
Soft and warm, I dreamed of being held by my mother.
Thinking back now, I’d taken it for granted at the time, but I understood painfully now that whenever my mother was gentle with me, I’d been happy.
I’d been too fortunate to realise it.
When had I started resenting my mother?
Somewhere along the way, I’d started wishing she would disappear, hating her.
I should have loved her, loved her so much, and yet how could both things be true at once?
But because my hatred grew large enough, I was able to meet Fujishiro that day.
Why, that day, was it Fujishiro who found the monster I’d become, in tatters?
It just happened to be Fujishiro.
Coincidence.
That’s all human connection is.
People appear by chance and disappear just as suddenly.
So this warmth I feel right now will disappear someday too.
That should be fine.
Even thinking that, I was pulling Fujishiro’s warmth closer toward myself.
I opened my eyes slowly, and there was a girl with long lashes, a face like a doll.
Silent, she looked like an angel.
That’s exactly the word that suited her.
Without releasing our closeness, I stroked her cheek.
Soft…
I never would have known another person’s cheek could be this soft.
Because I don’t close that kind of distance with friends.
But Fujishiro is different.
She’s…
“Morishita, are you the type to attack people in their sleep?”
My eyes had been closed, so I’d been completely off guard, but Fujishiro had apparently been awake. When I tried to pull my hand back, her warm hand covered mine.
“You can touch more, if you want.”
“I don’t particularly want to.”
“Then touch me.”
Fujishiro rubbed her cheek happily against my hand, back and forth.
She often calls me a dog, but she’s the one who’s better at being spoiled, more affectionate, more like a dog.
“Fujishiro’s like a dog.”
“Morishita’s more like a dog.”
“I don’t warm up to anyone.”
“Somehow, Morishita’s talking gently today.”
My words should have been cold, and yet I was startled to realise, myself, that I’d started speaking to her in a soft tone.
Very unlike me, I thought.
That’s exactly why I hate sleeping next to someone. Why I hate having someone beside me when I wake up.
I become weak.
I expose that weak self to someone.
That terrifies me.
Terrifying, and yet, because Fujishiro is nearby, this person called me changes shape so easily.
“Fujishiro, come closer…”
“H, huh?”
“Never mind.”
“Then I’ll do it because I want to.”
She said that and hugged me without asking.
Something about that made my chest tighten and grow warm.
Fujishiro gently stroked my head while looking at me happily.
“Hey hey, pet my cheek like before?”
“No.”
“Please.”
“…”
There was no point refusing Fujishiro’s request now.
Thinking that, I gently placed my hand on her cheek and stroked the soft skin.
Fujishiro herself is a pain, and infuriating sometimes, but I don’t dislike her soft cheek.
Fujishiro grinned, pleased, and I felt a small flash of displeasure at having gone exactly according to her plan.
Annoyed, though not enough to dig my nails in, I pinched her cheek firmly. It stretched sideways, turning slightly ridiculous.
“I didn’t say pull it.”
“You just have a face that makes me want to pull it, and it’s annoying.”
I was saying something awful, and yet Fujishiro’s eyes went wide before she broke into a spilling laugh.
“Morishita, let’s go out?”
“Why?”
“Matching earrings on a date, isn’t that couple-ish and nice?”
“We’re not a couple, and if it’s a date, absolutely not.”
“Let’s play pretend girlfriends.”
This time Fujishiro pulled at my cheek.
Being poked over and over was tiresome, so I immediately swatted her hand away. Still, her momentum didn’t let up.
“I bought them specially, so I want to wear them.”
“You bought them without asking.”
“If you don’t want them that badly, throw them away, then…”
A moment ago she’d been full of energy, and now suddenly she’d deflated into something troublesome.
Was this an act? The gap in her energy was severe enough to make me wonder.
“…Haah… fine, I’ll go.”
“Really?! Yes!”
“More importantly, you’re too close.”
“It’s fine, isn’t it, at this point.”
Fujishiro complained under her breath, but got out of bed and stretched. I needed to get up too, but stayed wrapped in the blanket, unable to move.
While I was still warm and comfortable, the blanket was yanked away.
“Morishita, you really love my bed too much.”
“I just like being under the covers. Give it back.”
“Never mind that, let’s go.”
Fujishiro forced me up, and I was pulled away from that reluctant warmth.
Fujishiro’s scent lingered all over my body.
It was strange, somehow, to have her scent coming off myself.
“I’ll only throw something quick together for breakfast.”
Fujishiro said that and set out leftover miso soup from yesterday and toasted bread.
The wrongness of it was undeniable, still.
No matter what, the Fujishiro I knew and the Fujishiro in front of me right now were different people.
“Why are you having Yudzuki teach you to cook?”
I’d asked yesterday too.
But she’d deflected it.
So I asked again.
She’s so clumsy at everything, and has no real reason to try this hard, so I couldn’t understand what was driving Fujishiro to put in this much effort.
Fujishiro made a wry smile again.
That expression of hers gave nothing away about what she was thinking, and it carried something almost frightening in it.
“Well, once I’m in university I’ll be leaving this prefecture, right? Living alone, I figured I should at least be able to cook.”
“I see.”
“Did it make you want to eat it again?”
“Not particularly.”
“So cold.”
I ignored Fujishiro’s complaints, pressed my hands together, murmured a small “thank you for the meal,” and bit into the golden-brown toast.
It was just plain toast, and yet the smell of butter and flour felt stronger than usual, and the jam seemed to spread unusually sweet across my tongue.
Breakfast finished, and as I started getting ready to go out, my eyes fell on the earrings sitting on the table.
I’d never worn accessories before, so I had no idea how to put them on, let alone when it would even be appropriate.
Fujishiro seemed to see right through that, closing the distance and peering at my ear.
“I’ll put it on for you, come here.”
“I can do it myself.”
“Have you ever worn accessories before?”
“No.”
“Then I’ll teach you, come here.”
“No.”
“Why?”
“I never said I’d accept it. And besides, I don’t think it suits me.”
At that, Fujishiro let out a sigh through her nose. But then she suddenly pulled me into a hug and brought her face close to my ear.
“Mei—”
Hearing my given name so suddenly sent a jolt straight through my heart. Startled, I looked at Fujishiro, and there was a girl grinning at me, unsettlingly pleased with herself.
“Morishita’s face, personality, and name are all cute, so this cute earring will suit you too.”
“Shut up.”
Fujishiro is the type who says that kind of thing to anyone.
I know that.
I know it, and yet heat gathered suddenly in my face, and all I could do was look down.
She used that opening to put the earring on my ear.
The dangling weight against my ear made my head feel oddly heavy.
Fujishiro was wearing the matching one too.
Even though we were wearing the same thing, hers suited her far better, catching the light strangely, and a foolish thought crossed my mind: I wished I could be like that too.
“That earring suits you, Morishita.”
“Shut up…”
What she said was noisy as always, but I thought that wasn’t really the thing I should be saying right now.
I took a deep breath, steadied myself, and said it properly.
“Fujishiro, thank you for the earrings…”
Fujishiro’s eyes went wide looking at me, and then her expression softened into “you’re welcome.”
We walked through the streets together and reached the shopping mall, and I was dragged along, fairly badly, through her shopping.
Pulled here and there by the hand, made to look at cute clothes, accessories, cosmetics.
None of it particularly caught my interest, but imagining Fujishiro wearing each thing wasn’t a boring way to spend the time.
Glancing sideways, the earring dangled from Fujishiro’s ear.
She really does suit everything.
And me…?
I looked at my own face reflected in a full-length mirror.
Not cute, as expected.
Put harshly, it looked like nothing more than a monster doing an impression of a human.
Just as my mother said, I’m probably ugly.
Into me, filled with that dark feeling, a warm voice flowed.
“Don’t make such a bored face. I think this would suit Morishita.”
She plopped a hat onto my head without asking.
In the mirror, Fujishiro’s earring swayed too, and on her it moved as if alive, supple, catching the light. On me it looked dead.
Thinking I had no right to wear this after all, I reached toward my ear, and my hand was caught.
“Once you put it on, you’re not allowed to take it off.”
“You’re being annoying.”
“Hey, more importantly, let’s go over there.”
My hand stayed held, so I couldn’t take the earring off.
After that I kept being pulled along by her freely, and exhaustion built up in my body.
But just as I was thinking we should head home soon, the worst thing happened.
“Nanoha…?”
I looked toward the voice, and my breath nearly stopped.
“Oh, Yudzuki, hey there.”
“Are you two hanging out together, Mei-chan?”
Fujishiro put a hand to her chin and laughed, saying “hmm.” Left like this, Yudzuki would get the wrong idea, so I hurried to speak.
“We’re not hanging out. Just happened to run into each other.”
“Wait, huh, hey!”
I ignored Yudzuki’s words, turned my back on both of them, and started walking away.
If she asked more about my relationship with Fujishiro, it would only get complicated.
Having been seen together with Fujishiro, I hated the thought that whatever we had right now might change because of it.
I fled the shopping mall like I was running away.
After a while Fujishiro chased after me, but I ignored her that day and went straight home.