Episode 22: It’s Not Like I’m Having Some Massive Sexual Arousal Explosion or Anything
“Hey, Nana. On days when I don’t have to watch Tasuku at night, I’d like to come over to your place sometime.”
“Eh?”
I turned around in surprise when Mizuki suddenly said that while I was playing with Tasuku while she studied.
She’d been silently scribbling in her notebook with her long black hair tied high in a ponytail, so what on earth had suddenly come over her?
“…Don’t you need to study? Are you sure you’re not cramming?”
Unlike me, who wouldn’t mind which university I got into as long as it was in Tokyo, Mizuki had a specific university she wanted to attend.
Even if I look after Tasuku like this in the evenings, I still have plenty of time to study after getting home until bedtime. But it’s different for Mizuki.
If I’m thinking of Mizuki’s best interests, wouldn’t it be better for her to study here rather than come over to my place?
Noticing my puzzled expression, Mizuki set her pen down with a thud and sat back down beside me. The hair tied up in her ponytail swayed softly.
“Of course I’ll study too. In Nana’s room.”
She leaned right up against me, and I gulped.
Lately, Mizuki has been blatantly tempting me like this.
My head knows she’s testing my reaction, yet my body suddenly stiffens as if frozen, my heart pounding so loudly it’s painfully obvious.
I hadn’t realised it before, but Mizuki has this quality.
A demonic charm. She’s terrifyingly skilled at reading and controlling others’ emotions.
If I let my guard down, she’d ensnare me in an instant.
It’s scary, this sort of thing… Is it something you’re born with…?
“It doesn’t have to be my room, does it? We could study in the library or somewhere.”
“No. It’s awkward talking to Nana at school.”
“Why? Let’s just talk normally. We’re graduating soon anyway, so we don’t need to worry about people watching us, right? Everyone’s too busy cramming for exams to care about that sort of thing.”
“I want to go to Nana’s room.”
Mizuki wrapped her arm around my waist and clung to me tightly. I instinctively leaned back, placing my hands behind me for support.
Too close, Mizuki! Too close!
I can only maintain my composure now because Tasuku is here. I have no confidence I could keep it together if we were alone in a closed room.
Honestly, you’ve gone beyond being a little devil – you’re a full-blown devil.
You once said Tasuku was like “an angel and a devil coexisting in a small body”, but that description fits you perfectly.
She looks like an angel. But Mizuki, who understands my feelings and mercilessly toys with them, is a genuine devil.
“If you came to my room… What are you going to do?”
“Hmm, whatever Nana wants to do?”
“I don’t want to do anything.”
“Eh? Really?”
Mizuki smiled with just her lips. I licked my own lips, trying to hide my flustered state.
My gaze darted around, afraid I might start thinking about all sorts of things.
Tasuku, who’d been sitting and playing, let out an “Ah!” and grabbed my school jumper to pull himself up.
Then, as if suddenly bothered by my long hair, he grabbed it hard and yanked. I couldn’t help but grimace.
It’s nice and all, but seriously, you two siblings, stop clinging to me like that!
“…Mizuki, you see—”
“Hmm?”
“Why are you so attached to me? I get that looking after Tasuku is hard work. But I’m only helping out a little bit, right?”
Even as Tasuku tugged at my hair, I met Mizuki’s dark eyes. She looked startled for a moment, then gently placed her hand over mine.
“It’s not just a little bit. …Nana, when I was truly struggling, feeling miserable, wanting to run away… when I couldn’t even confide in Mum and was at my wits’ end, you reached out your hand and saved me. You’re my hero.”
She squeezed my hand tightly.
If she knew I always secretly wanted to rip off that uniform, pin her down, and ravish her, could I still remain Mizuki’s hero?
“…I can only be vulnerable with Nana.”
My chest tightened painfully.
Then, fall for me. Then I’ll cherish Mizuki forever and ever. I’ll go to university locally. I’ll support Mizuki forever.
In this suffocating town, even if I could never reveal my true self to anyone else for the rest of my life, if Mizuki accepted me, that alone would be more than enough happiness.
Truthfully, I always want to hold her body close, press my lips to her temple, and desperately tell her how much I love her.
But I can’t.
Because in the end, this feeling is nothing but self-indulgence.
The feelings Mizuki has for me are different from mine. They’re a twisted obsession, far removed from the genuine affection I crave.
“You can be dependent on me… until graduation.”
“I want you to stay by my side even after graduation.”
“I’m going to university in Tokyo, so I won’t be able to stay by your side, Mizuki.”
“…Don’t go. Don’t you like me?”
“I do like you. But you don’t like me, do you?”
“…I do like you.”
“Not that kind of ‘like’.”
“This kind of ‘like’ is what you want, isn’t it?”
Mizuki leans forward. Because I was supporting Tasuku with my right arm, I couldn’t pull away in time.
Her soft lips pressed against mine. They parted with a soft smack… I desperately wanted to chase that kiss, but I held back at the last moment.
“…Why are you trying to distance yourself from me, Nana? I told you you could do whatever you wanted with me, but you haven’t made a move since then. It’s not because Tasuku’s here, is it?”
Mizuki is mistaken. What I want isn’t this timid little kiss.
If I lay a hand on her, I won’t be able to stop.
I want to cherish Mizuki. I never want to see that frightened look on her face again because of me.
Back then, if Tasuku hadn’t cried… I would have gone all the way.
Mizuki is trying to pay the price for me being by her side, for me continuing to support her, with her body.
A sweet temptation. But a terribly precarious gamble.
I used to think sex was the ultimate expression of love.
But in reality, it’s not just that – it can also be a trump card in a gamble. Where on earth did Mizuki learn that?
People often say things like, “It’s not like it’s going to run out,” but is that really true?
Do you offer your body to someone you don’t even like, and your heart doesn’t wear away at all?
If it weren’t me, but someone else who treated her kindly and helped her, would she offer her body to anyone? What an… unpleasant thought.
I’m afraid to touch her, to give in to desire.
Once we fall, we’ll never be able to return. We’d just sink deeper and deeper into the abyss, with no end in sight. No one would pull us back up.
“…Mizuki, you’ve got me all wrong. I’m not a guy, you know. It’s not like I’m having some massive sexual explosion or anything.”
That’s a lie. I’m just putting on a brave face, but inside, it’s absolutely exploding.
If a girl I genuinely liked made a move, my heart would race. And this ulterior motive —wanting to see a side of Mizuki no one else has seen —is burning fiercely inside me. On high heat.
“…Am I really that unattractive?”
You’re nothing but attractive.
Mizuki absolutely knows she’s cute, she must.
“Anyway, Mizuki… do you actually know what’s going to happen?”
“Of course I do. I looked up how girls do it the other day. Preparation is key, you know.”
Looked it up? Seriously?
Does that mean you looked it up assuming it would be with me?
Swallowing hard, I feigned calm and asked Mizuki.
“…What did you think? When you looked it up.”
“Hmm… Seems like a lower hurdle than doing it with a guy, I suppose.”
“…Any resistance?”
“…Well, yeah… A little.”
I feel disheartened. She’s far too honest about that sort of thing. I wish she’d said no. I wish she’d just lied to me.
It’s both Mizuki’s good point and her sneaky point.
Mizuki would never become the villain.
“…Mizuki, let’s drop this topic. It’s too much stimulation for Tasuku, who’s studying Japanese.”
“Sleepover, no? Please, Nana, I beg you.”
“…Someday.”
If only I could say no. When she looks up at me like that, I can’t refuse Mizuki.
Oh dear, I want to escape to Tokyo as soon as possible. While I can still hold back. Before I get blinded by lust, use Mizuki as an outlet for my desires… and end up hurting her.
Truthfully, I want to be with Mizuki more too.
But it hurts. It hurts that she doesn’t love me with the same intensity.
I don’t need some special feeling that transcends gender. I just want her to love me as a woman, as the woman I am.
Is it selfish of me to think that…?