#41: Kamikaze / ep.2
“I can’t!”
Yokohama. The apartment of Takahashi Mikoto — or rather, Kurosu Kotone.
Rinko shoved away Kotone, who had moved close in a voice and manner reminiscent of Mikoto. Kotone struck the back of her head against the sofa arm and screamed, “Gyaaah!”
“Ah, sorry! Are you hurt!?”
“Of course I’m hurt! You didn’t have to shove me out of nowhere!”
As Kotone rubbed the back of her head and complained, Rinko felt an irrational anger rise before she could apologise.
“Because you tried to hold me while pretending to be Mikoto-san! That is the worst thing you could do!”
“The worst…?”
Kotone wore an awkward expression. To Rinko, who loved Mikoto alone, being held by Kotone would be cheating, even if Kotone was her adored idol. No matter how similar their appearances and voices were, no matter how alike they might be genetically, it was impossible unless they were still a service worker and customer.
“Impossible is impossible!”
“Do you think holding me would count as cheating? Even though Sis belongs to someone else now?”
“Of course it would! Cheating is wrong!”
“Then why not congratulate Sis and Shan-nee?”
“…I can’t. I don’t want to! I love Mikoto-san…!”
She could not give up. Even if Mikoto was living with Shandy, they were not married yet. And Shandy was full of mysteries. She was hiding something important from Mikoto. If that secret came out, perhaps Mikoto would lose patience and leave her.
Then Rinko wanted to wait until that day. To love Mikoto faithfully and protect her.
“You’re devoted. Sis is someone I’m proud of, but is she really that attractive as a woman?”
“She is. She’s kind, and cool… and her face is beautiful… That matters…”
“You look so happy in love. Which is exactly why I want to make you cheat, though.”
Rinko’s eyes flew open. The words were hard enough to believe, and they had come from Kotone, whom she practically revered.
“K-Kotone would never say that!”
There was a brief pause after Rinko shouted, and then Kotone laughed. Wearing the expression she had learnt from Shandy, the one Shandy wore when she smugly found new prey, Kotone cackled.
“But I do say it!”
“You don’t!”
“Cheating, affairs, double affairs. The mothers of all things sexy!”
“Stop, stop!”
“Boobs! Nipples! Areolas! Pu—”
“You’re ruining my image!”
“Yes, exactly! Let it break! Break all of it!”
“Eh…?”
Kotone was smiling with a loose, unserious face that even Rinko, who had watched every piece of media she appeared in, had never seen before.
Kotone was regarded as a pure, wholesome actress, even if she took every kind of role. But Rinko had never known her to repeat such crude remarks. It did not fit her image. She was so far removed from the Kurosu Kotone that Rinko had built in her mind, that her agency had branded for the public.
The Kotone before her was not pure or demure. She was utterly, greedily predatory.
“I understand very well that Shirai-san is a huge fan of mine. You dream about me, don’t you?”
“I do! I have supported you all this time! I have loved you since your debut, Kung Fu Girl vs. the Seven Onmyoji! Even though everyone treats it as your black history!”
“Right? Sis and I like that one too, but the agency tells us not to say so.”
Mikoto liked it too. Rinko’s heart leapt at the thought that they liked the same work, but Kotone paid it no mind and pushed Rinko down again.
“What kind of woman do you think I am, Shirai-san?”
“What kind…!”
Praising her idol in front of that very idol was far too difficult for Rinko, who avoided being noticed and avoided contact. No words came out.
She did not want Kotone to recognise her. If someone dirty like herself touched someone as pure and beautiful as Kotone, if she made Kotone conscious of her, then Kotone too would become stained.
“I…”
“Hehe. You’re nervous, Rin-chan? You’re adorable.”
“Don’t call me Rin-chan!”
“What about Shira-rin?”
“No one has ever called me that!”
“Then, Rinko.”
Her heart skipped a beat. At the same time, cold sweat slid down her skin. Her idol Kotone had fully recognised her existence. At this rate, Kotone would become stained.
“Ah, I can’t, I can’t… Erase your memory… Make it so Kotone and I never met…”
“You say interesting things.”
“It’s all the manager’s fault! I’ll give the million yen back, so make it never have happened!”
“It cannot be undone. Sorry, but we know each other now.”
“Know each other…?”
Perhaps it was already too late to refuse acknowledgement. However hard she tried, they had met now. There was no convenient way to erase Kotone and Rinko’s memories of one another.
Unaware of Rinko’s struggle, Kotone smiled.
“Know each other? More like know each other’s bodies? Less friends, more friends-with-benefits?”
“Stop that, you’re ruining your image!”
“It’s fine, it’s fine. You know a secret Kotone that the other fans don’t, right? Doesn’t that make you feel a little superior?”
“No!”
“You really are strange, Rinko. …I want to steal that feeling.”
Kotone suddenly became serious, narrowing her eyes as she looked at Rinko. Those narrow eyes, so like Mikoto’s unreadable ones, pierced through her.
“Here’s a suggestion.”
“I won’t listen!”
“Listen. It’s your idol talking.”
“Kotone doesn’t act like that!”
“Yes. Exactly that.”
Cackling in a sinister little laugh, Kotone announced:
“From now on, I’m going to confess to Rinko all the time. I’ll say I love you, I love you, I love you.”
“I don’t understand. I absolutely refuse!”
“Good. Do that. I’ll also keep telling you Kotone secrets the fans don’t know. My first time was with a boy in my class, in the summer of my second year of high school—”
“Nooo!”
“While Sis had taken our parents out—”
“Stop it!”
“Ah, but my first kiss was with Sis.”
“That one… tell me more!”
She had been completely swept along by Kotone’s pace. Her idol was chattering nonstop about things Rinko did not want to know.
She had to protect Kotone’s image. Beautiful, pure, wholesome. In shampoo adverts she let her silky hair flow, and in insurance-company adverts she sympathetically listened to anyone’s problems.
This vulgar, crude Kotone was not the Kurosu Kotone Rinko imagined.
“Anyway, I’ve decided. Let’s swap contact details. Where do you live? Are you on LINE?”
“No! If you contact me, I’ll quit being your fan!”
“Ahaha. You can’t do that.”
Kotone laughed.
For a moment, Rinko felt as though Kotone had seen through her completely.
“Try quitting if you can.”
“Urgh…”
It was the Kotone Rinko loved from the screen. The intense, professional expression of the actress determined to rise to stardom was more than enough to silence even furious Rinko.
“So, I will keep enchanting Rinko. I’ll say I love you, kiss you, propose to you, even have sex with you. But you keep resisting.”
“Don’t be ridiculous!”
“I’m not joking. I’m asking you because you’re such a huge fan. You dream of me, don’t you? You want to keep dreaming about the dream called Kurosu Kotone, don’t you?”
“I do!”
“Then no matter what I say or do, don’t fall in love with me. Keep supporting me for your whole life.”
“That’s why—”
Kotone’s lips silenced Rinko before she could finish.
It was not their first kiss. When they had been service worker and customer, Kotone had rained kisses over every part of Rinko’s body. But this was different.
There was no excuse of being a service worker and customer now. Rinko and Kotone were simply fan and idol. Or they were supposed to be.
But did fans and idols kiss?
“…Do you like me?”
“I hate you!”
“What about Kotone?”
“…I like her! Honestly! There is no way I can stop being a fan! I comment on her Instagram, and I’m in the third row for the next fan meeting! I even won a studio-audience ticket!”
“Seriously? That much…?”
Kotone scratched her head with mixed feelings. Perhaps Rinko had made her idol recoil. Her love had run away with her because it was too intense.
“Sorry, don’t be put off! I lied, it’s all a lie! Forget it!”
“No. I’m happy. I am, and Kotone is too.”
For a dangerous moment, the Kotone in front of Rinko and the imagined Kurosu Kotone almost overlapped. Rinko ruffled her hair, trying to chase away the terrifying fantasy.
The Kotone she supported was someone she must refuse acknowledgement from, refuse contact with. The person before her was a fake who had the same name as Kotone, who resembled Kotone in appearance and voice. A lookalike. A clone.
“No, no, no! You’re not Kotone! You’re not Kotone!”
“That’s it, that’s it. Stay tangled up in those complicated feelings forever, all right? It’ll make you worth stealing from.”
“What is this ‘stealing’ you keep talking about!?”
“Stealing hearts. Get it?”
“I hate this! I hate this kind of thing that feels like tactics! I’m going home!”
“Tactics…”
Rinko stomped towards the entrance and unlocked the door. Then Kotone pounced on her from behind, placing her in a reverse kabedon pose against the door.
“W-what are you doing!?”
“You mentioning tactics reminded me. Doesn’t my relationship with Rinko feel a little like one of those games? Like Shan-nee plays with Sis?”
“That is the one name I least want to hear!”
“Shandy, Shandy, Shandy, Shandy, Shandy, Shandy.”
“I’ll complain to your agency!”
“That would be a problem. But Rinko, as a fan, can’t do something that would cause Kurosu Kotone trouble. Right?”
Kotone grinned, showing her teeth. It was true. If Rinko complained about her and it caught a weekly magazine’s attention, becoming a scandal, Kotone would lose work. And if she lost work, Rinko would see less of her.
“Right, right. My next film has a reverse-kabedon scene just like this. Look forward to it.”
“You think this is fan service!? I’m happy! But this is different!”
“It’s good that you’re conflicted. Keep supporting me, all right? Because I loooove Rinko.”
“I’ll support Kotone, but I hate you!”
“Mm. I like how plainly you say things. Now that we’ve settled that, let’s go. Wait a second, I’ll get ready.”
Kotone slipped away and went straight to the bathroom. Rinko thought of leaving while she had the chance, but disappearing without a word might leave bad blood behind.
“This is great, I’m having so much fun! I understand Shan-nee’s feelings now! What about you, Rinko? Are you still there? You didn’t leave, right?”
“I am not having fun!”
“Really? Then I’ll have to make it fun for you. Like Shan-nee would!”
Rinko could not see Kotone from where she stood by the entrance. But Kotone kept speaking to her, and she ended up waiting for her to get ready. When Kotone finally reappeared, Rinko caught her breath.
“Good evening. I am Kurosu Kotone.”
It had taken only a few minutes. In only a few minutes, Kotone had transformed. The Kotone in bare-faced sweat clothes, too slovenly even by her standards, had vanished.
The woman who stood before her wore a shirt and a beautifully cut flared skirt, an understatedly wholesome outfit. Perhaps because her features were already so good, even her roughness passed for natural make-up. She was completely unlike Rinko, who spent a reasonable amount of time on cosmetics.
Rinko could not help admiring this lookalike of Kotone’s.
“It’s unfair that you turn into Kotone just by dressing properly and putting on make-up!”
“I can’t help it. I’m Kotone. Come on, I called a taxi. Let’s go.
“Go where!?”
“Isn’t it obvious? Roppongi!”
Kotone thrust a fist into the air and shouted.
“A game needs spectators, doesn’t it!”