Episode 4: Endo Hina’s Past

I (Endo Hina) am a second-year high school student living a peaceful life. Today, I’m having lunch with my good friends, Saito Akari and Takahashi Naoto.

“After school today, can we invite Daiki and Sōta over to Hina’s place too?”

Naoto’s sudden suggestion made me frown. Daiki is Naoto’s boyfriend, and Sōta is Akari’s. We often hang out as a group of five, including them.

“I’ve got other plans today…”

My voice trailed off as I apologetically declined. It was a lie, but I acted to hide it.

“Eh? That’s unusual! What sort of plans?”

Contrary to my thoughts, Akari asked innocently in a bright tone.

I basically never turn down invitations from the two of them. I’ll go anywhere, and they’ll indulge my whims to a certain extent. I can always smile in front of them and go along with anything.

And today, I don’t actually have any plans. But I really didn’t want friends coming round to my place.

“I was thinking of going out to buy lunch boxes and stuff, and we’re running low on essentials, so I need to pop round a few places. Sorry.”

“Living alone is tough, isn’t it? Let us know if there’s anything we can help with?”

“Exactly! We should help Hina out sometimes too!”

　They speak without malice, and I think they’re very good friends. But telling them about my home was a mistake.

I live alone in a family-sized house.
It’s too big for one person.

I had a father who always worked hard and cherished my mother and me, and a mother who always waited at home for my father and me to return.

　Weekends were always set aside for the three of us to go out together. Dad was good at sports and taught me everything from ball games to athletics. Mum wasn’t particularly athletic herself, but she always joined in the fun.

On the way home after playing, I’d always walk between them, Dad’s hand in my right hand and Mum’s in my left.

　When I grew tired and whinged that I couldn’t walk, Father would always give me a piggyback ride. Being carried like that meant I could see the distant scenery, and I still vividly remember how wonderful that felt.

Even when I wasn’t tired, I’d feign exhaustion and get carried on Father’s shoulders. Looking down slightly, I’d always see Mother smiling.

Living with such parents, I resolved that I too would build such a wonderful family.

　During my sixth-year school trip, the biggest event of primary school, I was so excited I couldn’t sleep the night before, buzzing with anticipation.

Mum gently stroked my head, saying, “Go to sleep now.” That night, Mum and Dad were buzzing too.

It seemed they’d planned a mini-break for themselves while I was away. That night, when all three of us were too excited to sleep, was another happy one.

　The two-night, three-day trip flew by. I had so many stories to tell, and Mum and Dad had promised to bring back delicious souvenirs, so I hurried home, full of excitement.

On the way back, my feet felt so light, it was like I was floating, almost as if I wasn’t really stepping with each stride. But when I got home, the lights weren’t on. Checking inside, it seemed Mum and Dad hadn’t returned yet.

　I waited, thinking they’d be back soon, but even by six o’clock, when dinner would normally be served, there was no sound of them returning. Just as I was starting to feel anxious, the doorbell rang.

“Dad! Mum!”

I hurried to answer the intercom.

It wasn’t Mum or Dad waiting at the front door, but my grandmother.

My mother’s grandmother lives in the neighbouring prefecture, so I looked at my grandmother in puzzlement, wondering why she was here. She had a terribly pale face and spoke to me in a tone that seemed directed only at me.

“Hina-chan, there’s somewhere I need you to come to right now. Can you get ready?”

I nodded and got into my grandmother’s car.

　She took me to what must have been the largest hospital in the prefecture.

There were two swollen beds. They were shaped like people, but the faces were hidden, so I couldn’t tell what was what. Sitting there were my father’s parents and my mother’s parents, their faces filled with dread.

Everyone was crying, stifling their sobs.

In the silence, the hospital doctor grabbed my shoulder and told me:

“Hina-chan. Your father and mother were in a car accident. We couldn’t save them. I’m sorry…”

　I couldn’t grasp the meaning of those words.
Were they saying the people lying before me were my father and mother?

Wake up, please? Don’t just lie there?

I’ve got so many fun stories from the school trip to tell you!

What about souvenirs?

Tell me your fun stories too, Mum and Dad?

Everything went pitch black before my eyes.

　A few days later, their funeral was held immediately.

It seemed the grandmothers had arranged everything for the funeral. Still unable to grasp the situation, I just stared at the blue sky.

I heard talk about who would take me in, what would happen next, what would become of that house, and money matters.

Father’s parents lived very far away, and Mother’s parents lived in the neighbouring prefecture.

“We’d like you to come live with one of us. Which would you prefer, Hina-chan?”

Asking me that was pointless. Of course I loved my grandmothers, but my home was there. My father and mother were now the two people lying in those white coffins.

I hadn’t been particularly spoilt since I was small, but leaving that house was unbearable. It was something I couldn’t endure at that moment.

“—I want to go home.”

The grandmothers exchanged glances, discussed it, and brought me back home.
The house was very quiet.

Dad would turn on the telly the moment he got home. Even though he’d switch it on, he’d talk about his day with Mum and me, or about his baffling work. Mum would listen gently, humming in agreement, and I’d try to keep up with Dad by chatting about school.

“Hina’s popular at school, isn’t she? I’m looking forward to seeing what she does in the future.”

As if praising himself, Dad would always listen to my stories with a smug look on his face.

“That kind, energetic side of you takes after your father, doesn’t it?”

Mum would giggle happily.

“Your face takes after your mother’s, you’re a real beauty. You’ve got the makings of an actress in you.”

“Stop it!”

Mother’s cheeks flushed. Father spoke with an embarrassed air.

That’s all I ever remember.

The grandmothers respected my decision, and when I started secondary school, I chose to live here alone. For the first year or so, the grandmother from the neighbouring prefecture looked after me, but once I could manage on my own, I sent her home.

　This is my home, and Grandma has a home to return to. I strove to become independent as quickly as possible, determined not to be a burden on her.

Father had apparently taken out substantial life insurance on himself. He handed Grandma the passbook, saying she could use the money as she pleased. Additionally, both sets of grandparents gave me passbooks containing enough money to see me through university without hardship.

I couldn’t tell whether the sum was large or small, but what I felt at that moment, that I deeply resented the fact that my parents’ deaths were being reduced to a mere figure, I still remember clearly to this day.

I still live in this house where my family of three once lived. I’ve grown quite accustomed to it now, but during my junior high years, it felt terribly lonely. This house, empty when I returned, was far too big for me.

“I’m home.”
I always say those words alone, knowing they’ll never be answered. Even so, leaving this house was never an option. I wanted to keep the memories my parents made here locked inside it.
There have been times I’ve wanted to go to them.
But I think if I did, they’d surely look sad when we met in heaven. So, I decided to live this life to the fullest, so that when we meet next, we can greet each other with smiles.

　Even when it was painful, lonely, or sad.

By secondary school, I’d grown quite accustomed to life and made many friends. I’m rather good at putting up with things, so fitting in with friends wasn’t too hard.

None of my friends mocked my situation, but I was often asked to go out, so I invited them over a few times.

　However, after something unpleasant happened during my junior high years, I became reluctant to invite friends over much.

During the winter break of my second year of junior high, we decided to have a sleepover. I invited all my close friends, so I think there were about three boys and three girls. We played games together, had pillow fights – up to that point, it was a fun memory.

Later in the evening, one boy got into a strange mood, and something like a touching game started.

　We were in Year 8. Maybe it was inevitable, but the girls were squealing things like “Pervert! Stop it!” while acting like they weren’t entirely opposed to it, so the boys got carried away.

One boy said something like, “I like you, Hina,” and I couldn’t tell if he was being serious or not. The others started heckling, “Go on then, go for it!”

　I loved everyone dearly.
So I couldn’t understand what that boy meant by ‘like’.

The very next moment, as I stood bewildered, he embraced me, as if fulfilling everyone’s expectations.

The crowd was cheering, and he seemed pleased, but I felt nothing but nausea. I couldn’t pinpoint what was so repulsive, but I was overcome by a sense that the home my family had lived in had been defiled.

The next day, I skipped school.

　When I finally managed to sort myself out and go back to school, I found the boy who’d confessed kept getting too close, and that bothered me too.

By the autumn of my third year of junior high, I was put in the same group as him for the school trip. I became anxious, worried he might do something again.

On top of that, an overwhelming fear swelled up inside me – the fear that something like the day my mum and dad died might happen again. So I feigned illness and skipped the junior high school trip.

　From then on, I drifted apart from my friends, but I threw myself into my studies, thinking I could start afresh in high school.

I worked hard to get into a reasonably good high school because I planned to start working after graduation, partly to avoid worrying my grandmothers.

Actually, I’m glad I studied hard. I quite like my current high school and have made some good friends.

　Nao and Akari are reasonably close friends, so I felt it was safe to tell them about living alone and not having parents.

They’re not bad kids, but because of past trauma, I’d rather not invite them home too often.

They’ll surely ask to come again. Next time, turning them down would be too painful.

I find myself burdened with unnecessary worries about what to do.

That afternoon, I felt like skipping class. Sometimes, when my heart feels heavy or I just don’t want to think about anything, looking at the blue sky makes me feel better.

Today was clear.

There was no reason not to skip class on the rooftop.

For reasons like that, I skip class about once a month. Opening the rooftop door revealed a beautiful expanse of blue sky.

“Coming up here was definitely the right choice.”

The sky was blue again today. It was very beautiful.

However, a different view than usual spread out before me.