Episode 29

This is bad. What do I do…

My heart was beating faster and faster, my breathing growing ragged.

“Nanoha~”

I could hear Hinata’s voice.
I had to put on a smile and respond.

“Morning.”
“You look pale — are you okay? Want some tea?”

The girl peering at me with concern held out a plastic bottle.

“I’m fine.”
“Oh, sorry. You don’t like sharing drinks, do you, Nanoha.”
“That’s not what — sorry, I need to step out for a bit.”

That wasn’t why I’d said no, but I had no room to correct her, and I walked out of the classroom with my toothbrush.

Whether it was from eating leftover rice for breakfast, my blood sugar had spiked and I was feeling badly nauseous.

On test days I usually adjust how much I eat so I don’t get sleepy, but today was the last day of exams and I’d been a little reckless.

My head went foggy, then nausea hit without warning.

I’d been ambushed by this feeling before tests too many times to count. Each time, I’d usually ended up ducking into the toilet on the path to the rarely-visited back building, and staying there for a while.

Today too I was heading for that place.
If I emptied my stomach, I’d be back to normal.

I was almost at the familiar spot, relief starting to come, when I ran straight into the last person I wanted to see.

But we had an agreement not to speak at school. Right now I should be grateful for that.

I moved to pass by Mei and go into the toilet, but for some reason she followed me in.

“What? We don’t talk at school.”
“Nanoha, you look pale — did something happen?”
“Leave me alone.”

I needed Mei out of here as quickly as possible. Otherwise she’d witness something shameful. But she wouldn’t leave. Irritation surged, and I threw the words at her harder than I meant to.

“I feel sick, so just leave me alone!”
“I’ll stand guard here so no one else comes in.”

Mei didn’t move from in front of the door.
With her there, I couldn’t concentrate.
But she was right that having anyone else come in would be a problem, and more than anything there was no time before the test.

I gave up on Mei and went into a cubicle.

Same as always — fingers pressed to the back of my throat. But only sounds came out, not what needed to. The important thing wouldn’t come.

Why?
It always works. Why not today?
Was it Mei being there, making me tense in some strange way, throwing me off?

An odd sweat broke out across my whole body, and the nausea was making my consciousness begin to blur.

“Nanoha, open up for a second.”

My heart was hammering — and then Mei’s voice reached me, and the hammering strangely began to settle.
I opened the door, and a girl with a troubled expression was standing there.

“I’ll help.”
“What? Help how?”

Mei said something incomprehensible and my thinking stopped entirely. She ignored what I’d said, turned my shoulder in a smooth pivot, and began rubbing my back.

“You won’t manage it like that, all tensed up. Crouch down.”
“Wait. What are you doing?”
“There’s no time before the test.”

At those words my heart lurched hard.

I couldn’t fail. Not again.
I couldn’t disappoint my father any further.

So I had no choice but to do as she said and crouch down.

Mei’s hand moved gently across my back, and my breathing began to settle with it.

Then slender fingers appeared from behind and touched my lips, and I clenched my teeth.

“That — no. You’ll get dirty.”
“Getting dirty is fine. You can’t do it yourself, can you?”

That wasn’t the point.
This close, with Mei of all people watching — there was no way I could let her see me like this.

But I couldn’t hold strong anymore, and the nausea had reached its limit, so I was too shaken to know what to do.

Mei kept rubbing my back gently the whole time.

I was resisting at first, but I think I gave in to her kindness.

The strength drained from my body quietly, and I stopped clenching my teeth. And then Mei’s fingers slipped softly into my mouth.

What followed was over so fast it felt almost ridiculous to have been struggling with it before.

Everything that had been making me suffer came out, and Mei’s clean hands were dirtied in the process.

Tears came too, and I was in a state no one should ever see.

I breathed in and out again and again, steadying myself.

When I glanced sideways, Mei was smiling.

“So Nanoha makes that face too.”
“Awful.”
“You won’t make it in time if you don’t hurry.”

Those words snapped me back to reality, and I rushed to rinse my mouth and put my toothbrush in.

For some reason Mei was standing rooted to the spot right next to me. Still with the toothbrush in my mouth, I took her hand and worked soap into it thoroughly.

However many times I washed it, the scene from just now surfaced sharp and clear in my head, and the shame and embarrassment rose until I couldn’t look at her face.

Mei’s fingers had a red, swollen mark where my teeth had pressed hard against them. That mark made everything undeniably, unmistakably real.

“Mei, you idiot.”
“If you’re back to your usual self, that’s good enough.”
“Idiot…”

That wasn’t right.
There were things I needed to say properly.

Mei looked satisfied, and let go of my hand.

“Okay. I’m going.”

She said it and slipped out, quick and light.

There was nothing to be gained by staying here either, so I put myself back together and headed for the classroom.

“Nanoha, are you really okay?”
“Hinata, sorry about before.”
“No, it’s completely fine. Your colour’s much better now.”

Hinata stroked my head gently.

She probably knew I often spent time in the toilet before tests. Which was why she always did this when I came back.

Grateful for Hinata’s kindness, I hurried to my seat and crammed in one last bit of studying.

Until a moment ago I’d been suffering, but now the stomach discomfort had cleared and my heart was calm.

That day I somehow managed to hold my concentration through to the end of the tests.

※※※

“You made it through the tests. You looked rough this morning — are you okay?”
“I’m fine. You seem completely unbothered, Yudzuki.”
“Having someone aim at first with that look in their eyes every time does make things hard, you know.”
“Is that so.”

I felt irritation at Yudzuki’s joking manner.
But one thing suddenly surfaced in my mind.

I’d been beside Yudzuki all this time, desperate to take first from her, but I had never once asked what drove Yudzuki to keep working at it.

“Yudzuki, do you have a reason you need to be top of the year?”

At that, her usual composed expression gave way to wide eyes, something close to flustered.

“Nanoha taking an interest in me — that’s unusual.”
“You haven’t answered the question.”
“That’s a secret, I think.”

I swallowed the urge to say what?
Not answering the things that mattered was Yudzuki’s bad habit.

But I decided pressing further would get me nowhere, and ended the conversation.

There were things that mattered more than talking with Yudzuki.
I opened my phone and sent Mei a message: Waiting at home.

She might come. She might not.

I invited her over fairly often, and she almost never came when I most needed her to. So maybe today too she wouldn’t come, but I thought I’d try anyway.

When I got home, a quiet emptiness hung over everything, uncomfortable as always.
In the kitchen sink the rice bowl from breakfast was still there, and the memory of the morning came back, and a faint nausea rose with it.

The worst.
Mei had seen the worst of me…

The regret had no bottom.
But without her, I might not have been able to get through the test properly.

I went back to my room and sat on the floor, leaning against the bed.

The floor was very cold.

I always made Mei sit here to study, and she never once complained about it.

Her words could be cold and her attitude rough, but sometimes she turned gentle and reliable.

Strange creature…

Settling back into my own room settled something in me too, and the intercom rang, and I scrambled to it.
I opened the door and a sulky-looking Mei was staring back at me.

“You came?”
“You’re the one who told me to.”

Mei pattered inside.

I held back the feeling rushing up in my chest, poured tea into a cup, and brought it to my room.

Mei had already started reading manga.

“Hey, Mei.”
“What.”
“I want to talk for a bit.”
“What.”
“Look over here.”

Mei didn’t seem likely to come down from the bed, so I lay down on it too and looked at her. She lay there with her eyes wide open, and placed the manga between our faces.

“What.”
“I want to talk properly.”
“This is fine as it is.”
“I want to talk seriously.”

My tone must have been too grave, because Mei sat up, set the manga down, and leaned against the wall.

I sat cross-legged on the bed and looked at her.

The morning came back, and I was filled with something I couldn’t tell was guilt or shame.

I couldn’t look at her face, and I gave a small bow.

“This morning — thank you. It helped.”
“You called me over just to say that seriously?”
“Of course it’s serious…”

Now tears were threatening to come.

I hadn’t wanted anyone to see me like that.

Even now when I remembered it the shame and the wretchedness made me want to disappear.

I’d tried not to think about it during the tests, but of all people, Mei had to see it — what a miserable thing.

“Being unwell isn’t something you can help.”
“It’s not something I can just say is fine. Showing you something that awful, and getting you dirty on top of it…”

Unusually for me, my feelings surged and my voice trembled.
If I let my guard down even a little the tears would come.

This wasn’t what I’d wanted to say to Mei.

I kept breathing in an odd rhythm, trying to pull myself back to normal.

“Nanoha isn’t dirty.”
“I am…”
“Haah…”

Mei’s sigh reached me, and my heart pressed hard against my chest and my breathing grew difficult.

I didn’t want her to think I was disgusting.

Then my collar was tugged softly, and Mei’s forehead came down against mine with a gentle knock.

Her face was close and I panicked, but Mei’s eyes were closed.

“I showed you something dirty too. And Nanoha took care of it properly. So we’re even.”
“Even…? Mei isn’t dirty.”
“Nanoha isn’t dirty either.”

Somehow her voice felt like it was resonating directly inside my head, and my chest pulled tight.

The heat behind my eyes spread slowly.

“Mei, you idiot.”
“More of an idiot than Nanoha, probably.”
“Idiot…”
“Yes, yes.”
“…Mei, thank you.”
“Mm.”

That day, without a word, Mei stayed beside me until my heart had settled.