Episode 21: Does it look like I’ve lived a life where I could have anything I wanted?

“Mitsuya-san, do you know what Seno-san likes to eat? I want to invite her out for a meal, but I’m stuck on what kind of restaurant to book.”

First thing in the morning, I was called over by Niiyama-kun who said he needed to talk. I wondered what it could be, only for him to bring up the one topic I least wanted to hear about right now. My face twisted in a grimace.

“…I don’t know. I’ve never asked about likes or dislikes.”

With Christmas approaching and him clearly in high spirits, he’d apparently decided this was his moment to act.
Just like with Aosawa-chan before, Niiyama-kun possesses that tenacity to keep asking even after repeated rejections.

“Well then, any recommendations for places women might like?”

“Why not find somewhere after getting her agreement? You don’t even know if she’ll say yes.”

　I ended up being rather harsh, but Niiyama-kun carried on regardless.

“I thought if the place was good, she might come.”

“Sorry, but I’m no good at that sort of thing.”

I’m the woman who took a woman of that calibre to a ramen shop, you know.
She let out a huge sigh. Though I must say she seemed to enjoy it.

“Well then, if I just book a hotel dinner, would she come?”

“I don’t know. Sorry I can’t be of more help.”

If I listened any longer, I’d definitely start frowning. I turned my back on Niiyama-kun and hurried back to my desk.
Seno-san would probably turn him down anyway… Still, witnessing her being courted like this, right up close, didn’t feel good.

　Why does everyone get so restless trying to find a partner as Christmas approaches?
I understand the feeling – winter’s cold, and spending couples’ events alone feels rather dreary.

But isn’t that putting the cart before the horse?
Shouldn’t falling in love come before finding a partner?

Why do adults try to find a partner before they’ve even fallen in love?

　Not that I’m one to talk, having slept with someone before I’d even fallen for them.

Seno-san’s words about “needing to find a partner” have been nagging at me ever since.

I’ve got myself stuck in the mud again. The mud clings to my legs, and I can’t move an inch from here.

＊＊＊

　During lunch break, I threw on my coat and headed for the rooftop, where I spotted a familiar figure from behind.

“Kurosaki-kun, good work.”

“Ah, good work to you!”

Kurosaki-kun, whose tanned skin had lightened slightly since winter, flashed me a refreshing smile.

Lately, he’d been cutting back on his cigarette breaks, and we’d both been too busy to find much time for drinks, so it had been a while since I’d last spoken to Kurosaki-kun.

　Unlike Niiyama-kun, he seemed uninterested in romantic entanglements. Seeing his face eased my nerves a little, as I’d been feeling rather jumpy about that sort of topic.

“How’s it going? Your first busy season?”

“It’s busier than I imagined. I’m shocked. Is it always this crazy before Christmas? Do all couples dine at top-tier hotel restaurants? The world’s full of rich people, isn’t it?”

　I’d never experienced such a glamorous date. Even with the men I’d dated before, dinner was at best a slightly nicer restaurant, and staying over meant either each other’s place or a local love hotel…
I stopped myself from thinking that far. Enough. Remembering this doesn’t change anything.

As I lit a cigarette, Kurosaki-kun bent down slightly to look at my face. Still so tall.

“What are you doing for Christmas, Mitsuya-san?”

“What do you mean… I’ll be at work.”

“Not that. After that. Do you have a boyfriend, Mitsuya-san?”

“No way. I don’t have one. I don’t look like the type, do I?”

I’ll probably be alone again this year. I’m used to it by now.

Kurosaki-kun exhaled a puff of cigarette smoke, then pressed the cigarette firmly into the ashtray.
He cleared his throat once, then turned towards me for some reason.

“Mitsuya-san. In that case, is it alright if I put myself forward?”

“Eh?”

Put himself forward? For what? An election?
I froze for a moment. Staring at Kurosaki-kun’s face, I saw it was slightly tense.

“I know a top-class hotel restaurant is a bit much, but Christmas… After work, would you go on a date with me?”

“Eh… You’re joking, right?”

I was taken aback by the sudden request.
We’d gone out for drinks a few times before, but he’d never once given me that kind of vibe.

“I’m not joking.”

His strong arm reached out to my stunned body. He grabbed my shoulder and pulled me closer.

In my panic, I’d moved the lit cigarette away from Kurosaki-kun, so I couldn’t push his approaching body away.

He pulled me into a tight embrace.

“…Um, what exactly is this situation?”

“I knew it… I thought you hadn’t noticed my feelings at all.”

My cheek was pressed against his broad chest. I couldn’t move, held fast by his strength. At that moment, I recalled her slender arms clinging to me.

I’d grown too accustomed to embracing other women, completely forgetting the feel of a man’s body.

Somehow, being held in a man’s arms made me feel incredibly small and helpless.

　I found myself envying it.
With these thick arms and broad chest, I wouldn’t have had to agonise so much.
Even if I wasn’t wealthy, working hard might have given me a chance to catch her attention.
Even if I couldn’t take her to a top-class restaurant. If I were a man, perhaps.

But… that’s just an excuse.
　After all, she can love women too.
To her, I’m fine for a physical relationship, but not enough to be a lover.

My hope is a candle flame in the wind. Like a feeble, flickering candle flame, it seems it could be easily extinguished with a light breath.

It would be easier if I could just lean on him like this. I’d be freed from all this worry and suffering.

“Could you give it some thought?”

Kurosaki-kun’s whisper brought me back to my senses. I pushed him away with my palm. I only used a little force, but he moved away without a fight.

“…Cheeky.”

I clenched my fist and landed a punch on his chest. His solid chest didn’t budge an inch.

“Is that not acceptable?”

“…Sorry, but I’ve no interest in office romance. It’s a right pain when you break up. You should definitely steer clear.”

Taking one last drag, I stubbed out the cigarette, its ash about to fall, in the ashtray.
I couldn’t stay here any longer. Before things got any deeper.

“I’ll head back now.”

“…Mitsuya-san.”

“Hm?”

“I enjoy being with you, Mitsuya-san. We get on well, share similar interests, I truly believe it could work. Why assume we’ll break up? Trust me. I’m not half-hearted about this.”

His earnest gaze was almost blinding.

　I’m not the kind of person Kurosaki-kun thinks I am, though.
I said I had no interest in office romances, yet here I am sleeping with a colleague.

I gave no reply, merely waving flutteringly at Kurosaki-kun before turning away.

Sighing deeply, I opened the door leading indoors. Somehow, it felt depressing.

“Kaori.”

“Blimey! You scared me!!!”

Startled by the sudden call, I recoiled reflexively.
Turning towards the voice, I locked eyes with Seno-san, who was leaning against the wall, arms crossed.

“…I called you.”

“Eh? No way… Sorry, I didn’t notice.”

“Manager Yamazato’s calling us. She’s starting a meeting now.”

After saying it so casually, Seno-san abruptly looked away and started walking. I hurriedly followed her back.

“Um… did you see?”

“See what?”

“No, never mind. It’s nothing.”

Phew. I’d been secretly panicking that she’d seen me.

“…Maybe you shouldn’t be flirting around in the office? I won’t be responsible if rumours start, you know~”

“So you did see!”

“I won’t tell anyone, you know. Anyway, let’s hurry. Manager Yamazato’s waiting.”

The way she acted completely unconcerned made my heart ache. She’d said before she’d hate it if I had someone else…

Unrequited love is painful.
It’s nothing but heart-wrenching moments. It’s just agony, nothing enjoyable.
　I want to run towards someone who says they like me. I’m a coward who’s always lived that way.

This feeling for her must be real, yet the self-defence mechanisms honed over twenty-six years are sounding alarm bells with excessive force.

Trying harder is pointless. Because Seno-san never had any intention of dating me in the first place.
Just a fuck buddy. No role beyond that is expected.
　Seno-san said it’s easier to just date men, didn’t he?

Back off before you get hurt any more. No matter how much you struggle, it’s pointless. We can’t be anything more than physical.
Why not just date Kurosaki-kun? It’d be easier than chasing someone who won’t look your way. You might even grow to like him if you gave it a go.

What… this other part of me keeps whining like this.

　Oh, for heaven’s sake, just slap me, anyone, and give me a kick up the backside.

My resolve is wavering.
When this heartbreak becomes final, will I be able to endure this pain?

I grabbed Seno-san’s hand as she walked down the corridor. Her slender wrist. She stopped, turned, and her eyes met mine.

“…Have you ever had a crush on someone?”

“What on earth are you talking about?”

“I was just wondering… even a woman like you must have things she can’t have, right?”

“…What do you take me for? Do I look like someone who’s had everything she ever wanted in life?”

“No, that’s not it… it’s just…”

I thought maybe you couldn’t possibly understand how I feel.
The agony of being ignored by the one you love… you couldn’t possibly…

“…I do. Unrequited love.”

“Eh?”

“I’m experiencing it. Right now.”

She abruptly shook off my hand and left me standing there.

“…Right now… Who is it…?”

I clenched my fists tightly.

My heart was on the verge of breaking.