Episode 18: She Just Won’t Forgive Me, You See

Sitting side by side with Kurosaki-kun at the cramped counter of an old oden pub, I downed my beer mug.

“Did you do similar work at your previous company, Mitsuya-san?”

“Yeah, I was in the management team. I was Aosawa-chan’s mentor. Impressive, right?”

“‘Aosawa-chan’… Ah, the secretary? She’s cute, isn’t she? Like an idol.”

“Aosawa-chan’s got a boyfriend, so even if you tried, it wouldn’t work. Too bad for you.”

“I wasn’t trying!”

I picked up a small piece of daikon radish with my chopsticks and tossed it into my mouth. The rich aroma of the well-infused broth spread through my senses.

　A drink after work soothed my weary mind and body. It felt especially welcome after feeling down about Seno-san’s situation.

I gazed at the profile of Kurosaki-kun sitting beside me.

Though I’d initially thought him the ‘worst sort of bloke’, I felt we’d grown quite close now.

He was refreshingly straightforward, we got on well, and there was no need for pretension. It felt easy, like chatting with a junior from my university days.

　My gaze slid from his closely cropped sideburns down to his jawline, then rested on his thin lips.
Meeting him outside the office like this, he seemed to have a different aura.

His arm lifting the beer mug. The muscles visible beneath his rolled-up sleeves flashed briefly.

　Back then, I used to notice these things about men.
Thick arms with visible veins, broad chests, bony hands, tall frames – they’d make my heart flutter.

But why, I wonder? Now, it’s those translucently pale, slender arms and skin with a velvety touch that I long for.

　Ever since I started sleeping with Seno-san, I’d only ever had eyes for her.
Suddenly confronted with that reality, I felt utterly crushed.

While nodding along to Kurosaki-kun’s cheerful chatter, my mind was far away, elsewhere entirely.

The cramped, bustling counter. The lively shop filled with salarymen’s complaints flying about.
　A place like this, Seno-san would be furious if I brought his here. But surely, after just one bite, she’d say it. “It’s surprisingly good,” she’d say.

If only I’d taken her to more places like this.
After work, drinking, having sex on a whim, it didn’t have to be just that. There were so many things we could have done to get to know each other more deeply.

　Most of my memories with Seno-san are either at my place or hers.
On that creaky, noisy semi-double bed. On that two-seater sofa so narrow we nearly fell off.
On that white rug where she always complained her back hurt – and in front of the fridge, too, come to think of it.

In the morning, the light streaming through the curtain gap illuminated her long lashes and profile beautifully.
　I often got scolded for kicking her as she slept, so primly like a sleeping beauty.

Oh, I don’t want to go home.
Memories that cut through my chest are scattered throughout the room.

If this love were to end unfulfilled, I’d surely dwell on these summer and autumn memories until they wore thin.

　I’d inevitably search for her non-existent likeness, her scent, superimposed onto other people, only to be crushed time and again.

I feel so lonely.
I never imagined being rejected by someone could be this painful.

“—Mitsuya-san, are you listening?”

“Eh? Ah, sorry. I wasn’t listening at all. I got distracted by the fish cakes.”

“You seem down today. Something up?”

His puppy-dog eyes fixed on me, making me flinch. Fueled by alcohol, I blurted out without thinking.

“…Had a row with Seno-san. She’s not exactly forgiving me.”

“With Seno-san? She gets angry? I only ever thought of her as calm and kind.”

She gets properly angry, you know.
Seno-san is generally kind to those younger than her, and her way of speaking and voice are softer than mine, so she probably seems calm.

“I really messed up. I was colder than I’ve ever been before… Oh dear, I wonder if she’ll forgive me… I don’t think I’ll sleep tonight. I feel so down.”

Saying it out loud only made me more anxious. Kurosaki-kun laughed at my dejected state and gave his chest a firm thump.

“I know just the way to clear your head when you’re like this. Leave it to me. I’ll take you somewhere good.”

　＊＊＊

　Honestly, when he said “clear your head”, I was a bit… worried he might take me somewhere dodgy. But after leaving the pub, we got on the train and ended up at a batting centre.

　I realised my worries were unnecessary. Sorry for doubting you, Kurosaki-kun.

Kurosaki-kun took off his jacket, rolled up his sleeves, and began carefully selecting a bat with a big grin.

Having never been to a batting centre before, I looked around the place with curiosity.

　A peculiar smell hung in the air. Even though it was night, it wasn’t deserted – a few customers were present, and the sound of bats striking balls echoed continuously.

“I’ll hit first, so watch me, alright?”

“Kurosaki-kun, were you in the baseball club?”

“Yeah, I was. My position was…”

“Got it. You were the catcher, right?”

“No way! Believe it or not, I actually played in Koshien. I was a baseball boy dreaming of the pros.”

Kurosaki-kun said this casually as he stepped into the batter’s box. He inserted a card into the machine, fiddled with some controls, then spun his bat around before taking his stance and facing forward.

Oh, he looks the part.

The balls fired out one after another were much faster than I’d imagined. His bat swung powerfully, making full contact with the ball, which flew off on a sharp trajectory.

　Right, this… hitting one of these would feel proper satisfying, wouldn’t it? Looks like fun.

Kurosaki-kun, having hit every single ball without missing one, returned from the batter’s box with a smug look on his face.

“What do you reckon?”

“That’s impressive. No wonder you used to play baseball. Didn’t miss a single one.”

“Well, truth be told, I had the speed turned down to look cool. If it had been breaking balls, I’d probably have swung and missed like normal. It’s been a while.”

“You’d have been cool if you hadn’t said that… Honesty has its drawbacks, eh?”

“It feels great, you should try it. Here, this is Mitsuya-san’s bat.”

He handed it over. I compared it to Kurosaki-kun’s.

“It’s… a bit short, isn’t it?”

“It’s a junior bat.”

“Junior bat?”

“Beginners hit better with this one. Come on, step inside. I’ll show you.”

With that, he grabbed my arm. A large palm. Were men’s hands always this rough?

“Hold the bat and get into position.”

“…Like this?”

“Hands here. Since it’s your first time, you can hold it even shorter. Right, now try swinging.”

Saying that, Kurosaki-kun adjusted my hand position from behind. I was startled by his immense frame, big enough to completely envelop my body, and my heart skipped a beat.

I swung through as hard as I could, just as he’d told me. It wasn’t as sharp as Kurosaki-kun’s, but I felt like I’d swung properly.

“You won’t hit it if you go for a full swing right from the start. Just watch the ball coming at you and aim to make contact.”

“Got it.”

After operating the machine, Kurosaki-kun stepped away. The pitcher’s image on the monitor wound up, and the ball flew straight towards me. I gripped the bat tightly.

＊＊＊

“Mitsuya-san, you’ve got talent! I didn’t think you’d be able to hit it forward from the start.”

“Really? It was straight, so it wasn’t too difficult. I doubt I could handle breaking balls though…”

I handed the bat back to Kurosaki-kun, who was laughing excitedly. The sensation of hitting the ball back was still lingering in my palm.
Taking off my glove and dangling my hand, Kurosaki-kun grinned broadly and peered up at my face.

“Well? Feels good, doesn’t it?”

“…It certainly does.”

“If you ask me, I’ll come along anytime. Hope you make up with Seno-san soon.”

　He hands me a can of coffee – who knows when he bought it – and I smile. Kurosaki-kun, surprisingly thoughtful. Somehow, the tension eases from my shoulders.

I pop the tab and take a sip.
Come to think of it, this might have been how it felt when I had a boyfriend… I drift into a vague thought.
The memory of my last romance feels so distant now, I’d completely forgotten.

After enjoying ourselves thoroughly, we leave the batting centre and board the train. Kurosaki-kun boarded in the same direction as me, as if it were the most natural thing.

My hand felt heavy and sluggish gripping the strap after exercising for the first time in ages.

“Are you heading this way too, Kurosaki-kun?”

“I’m going the opposite way. But I’ll walk you home.”

“Eh? That’s alright. It’s only a short way to my place.”

“It’s dangerous for a woman to walk alone at night, isn’t it?”

I was taken aback by his matter-of-fact tone. At the next station, people surged in like an avalanche, pushing against us. Kurosaki-kun grabbed my arm firmly and pulled me close, shielding me.
Our bodies pressed together. From the tip of his nose brushing against my shirt came the fresh scent of fabric softener.

Men protect you as a matter of course.
With those strong arms, that broad back, as if it were only natural.

　What about me? Could I protect someone like this?
We’re the same height, earn the same salary, and I have nothing to offer her.
Not only that, but I frighten her, make her anxious, anger her, hurt her…

Truthfully, perhaps I’d be happier just walking away, dating a ‘normal’ man, and pretending none of this ever happened.
Surely Seno-san, too, must want to live protected like this, as a matter of course.

　But…

—You should face your own feelings more simply. If you like her, then like her. What’s wrong with that?

Aosawa-chan’s words pierced deep into my chest and wouldn’t budge.
I felt like making one last desperate attempt. One more time… just this once.

Clutching Kurosaki-kun’s strong arms, I kept thinking only about that.