Episode 15: In the end, it’s the one who falls in love who loses, isn’t it?

After that, Kurosaki-kun started occasionally greeting me when we met on the rooftop or when he had business near my desk.

My first impression of him was that he was a ‘terrible bloke’, but talking to him revealed he was surprisingly easy-going. His smile, despite his burly frame, was age-appropriate and rather endearing.

　After that incident, Arimura-chan seemed to have developed a complete aversion to Kurosaki-kun, her face twisting every time he approached her desk.

Perhaps because my club activities had toughened me up mentally, I no longer felt anything when she spoke to me rather harshly.

It wasn’t that I’d never encountered unpleasant things in my working life, but I knew how to live without letting stress build up. That was a huge advantage.

　On days when I dread going to work, I get up early and run relentlessly before heading in.
Simply pushing my body to its limits in silence allowed me to banish the distracting thoughts in my head with surprising ease.

Arimura-chan… she doesn’t have the inherent gentleness of Aosawa-chan, nor the flexibility of Seno-san, so she seems to struggle considerably with interpersonal negotiations.

That assertive attitude is a mask for vulnerability. I only realised that recently.

　I should have known better, yet this incident was still down to my lack of consideration.
Manager Yamazato had instructed me to support her, yet I neglected it. As a senior employee, I should have kept a closer eye on things.

While it started with her mistake, I share the blame. Thinking that… it was an incident that left just a hint of bitterness.

A few days after Seno-san started taking time off, Niiyama-san from the Production Department popped his head round our desks.

“Good work today, Mitsuya-san. Heard through the grapevine that Seno-san’s off sick. Is she feeling unwell?”

I gave Niiyama-san a wry smile and shook my head side to side. He looked less concerned than he did eager, eyes gleaming as if sensing an opportunity.

“No… it’s not her, it’s her family. She said not to worry, so it’s fine.”

Looking at Niiyama-san’s face reminded me of what Seno-san had said to me the other day.

—Hey, you said something to Niiyama-san, didn’t you?

The sensation of her thumb digging into my carotid artery. It wasn’t strong enough to stop my breath, but even I gasped.

At the time, Seno-san didn’t change her expression at all, but I couldn’t help feeling that very lack of change revealed the smouldering anger within her.

Huh, she was angry… probably.

“I wonder if I should try contacting her. Do you think it’d be a bother?”

“I don’t know. You decide. Don’t drag me into it.”

“Don’t be so cold. You could at least support me.”

“…No way. I’m terrible at playing matchmaker.”

I knew he was testing the waters. Probably wanted an excuse to contact her.
　Niiyama-kun is a thorough chap. When on earth did he get hold of Seno-san’s contact details?
He was all over Aosawa-chan until recently, but the moment he realised she wasn’t interested, this is what happened.

Is it really just about looks? He doesn’t know anything about her inner self.
A woman that strong-willed? I can’t see him being able to handle her.

　If I casually suggested, “Why not get in touch?”, he’d surely use that as an excuse.
If that got back to Seno-san, who knows what she’d say. So I just turned back to my monitor in silence.

At times like this, I don’t know what mindset to adopt.

Even though someone connected to me is being courted right before my eyes, I can’t intervene in this situation.

　I can neither draw nearer nor step away.
Yet we are undeniably connected. By a thread so flimsy it would snap at the slightest tug.

That fact squeezes my chest unbearably tight. So much so that I can scarcely breathe.

Even after Niiyama-kun left, she remains ever-present in the back of my mind, pushing aside the task before me and occupying my thoughts.

No matter how unpleasant things got, simply running through the cool morning air used to let me forget it all cleanly, every single time.
That was the ‘good point’ about myself that I liked.

　Annoying as it is, when it comes to that woman, it just doesn’t work that way.

I thought admitting defeat might bring relief. But in truth, it only made things worse.
Even so, I can no longer live recklessly enough to push forward and try to change something.

I want to see her face. …I want to hear her voice.
Is she doing alright? Does she have someone she can rely on now?

“Ah, Mitsuya-san, sorry to bother you when you’re busy. Where might Yamazato-san be right now?”

Startled out of my daze by the sudden voice, I spun around to find Manager Asano from HR standing there, envelope in hand.

He was a male employee in his mid-forties who’d frequently popped into our department for meetings with Manager Yamazato even before Arimura-chan joined this division.

“Manager Yamazato is in a meeting with our department head. Is there something you need?”

“I’m sending Seno-san her holiday application paperwork. Thought I’d see if there was anything else I could send along with it.”

“Ah, in that case, I’ll pass it on for you. I’ll pop it in the post later.”

I held out my hand. Manager Asano smiled and handed me the envelope.

“Oh? Sorry about that. Well, thanks a lot then.”

After he hurried off, I stared at the address on the envelope. It wasn’t the address of the flat I often visited. So, her family home then?

“Kanagawa…”

I hadn’t even known her hometown. Looking at the address, it was right near the university I’d attended. It was a bit far from here, but within an hour’s reach.

As I stared at the envelope, lost in thought, Manager Yamazato returned.

“Ah, Manager Yamazato. Manager Asano from HR asked if there was anything to send to Seno-san.”

I said, waving the envelope as I asked. Manager Yamazato thought for a moment, then replied,

“Nothing at the moment, I suppose.”

So I smiled and nodded, saying, “Right, I’ll pop it in the post later,” while discreetly slipping the envelope into my bag.

　After clocking off at six, I hurriedly left the office, retrieved the envelope from my bag once more, and typed the address into my phone.

As expected, a red pin appeared right next to the university I’d attended, so I boarded a train heading in the opposite direction from home.

I opened the chat app and searched for ‘Rei Seno’. The chat had ended with a random sticker I’d sent.

――I got the documents from HR. I’m heading to your family home now to deliver them.

I knew this wasn’t right. It was misuse of personal information. But this was the only way I could go see her face.

I felt pathetic, even to myself. This was the only way I could go to her. That I couldn’t even worry without making excuses every time.

While the train rocked, the message showed as read.

――Now? Are you already on your way?

――I’ll call when I arrive.

Terrified of rejection, I switched off my phone. If she didn’t even mark it as read, it wouldn’t count as rejection.
I intended to leave immediately after seeing her face. It was just that I needed reassurance.

If she could just smile like she always does. Even if she asked why I’d bothered coming, or worse, mocked me, it wouldn’t matter.

In my heart, where no one should have been before, she is there now.
Just because the presence that should have been there suddenly left, my heart instantly becomes unstable.

It’s ridiculous.
We’re not even the sort of people who keep in regular contact.
It’s just a relationship where we playfully entwine our bodies and embrace, merely filling each other’s emptiness.

“In the end, it’s the one who falls in love who loses, isn’t it…”

Right now, I need her so desperately.

Where on earth did I go wrong?
How far back would I need to rewind time to start over, to build the right kind of relationship?

If only you thought of me just a little bit too. —I find myself seriously contemplating such foolish things.