Chapter Fifty-Seven

Ibara lowered herself between my legs, pinning my knees as I sat.

“Hey, Shigure-san…”

“N-no, you can’t. It’s over now.”

At my refusal, Ibara growled, “Grrr.”

“Why? Why, why, why? You were moving your tongue a bit too, Shigure-san. You looked like you were enjoying it.”

Do people normally say things like that out loud⁉︎
Well, it’s true, I suppose.
I couldn’t refuse.
But it’s not my fault.
Getting your lips licked over and over like that, it’d be weird not to feel strange.

“It was just a kiss. Why’s that not okay? It’s fine, right? Isn’t it?”

Breathless, eyes smouldering with fever, Ibara drew near again.
Stay, stay, I pushed her forehead back with my palm.
Ibara looked as if she might cry.

“No, no, I want to. I want to. Why won’t you let me?”

“Didn’t you say yourself you wouldn’t force it?”

“I did, but…”

With hurt, childlike eyes, Ibara pressed her lips together.

“So you really do have reservations about doing that sort of thing with me.”

“Well… yes, I do. But I think it probably means something different from what you imagine.”

“…What do you mean?”

“Before that, move back a bit. Come on, be a good girl.”

“No, don’t treat me like a child.”

“Sorry. Please, Ibara.”

With a distinctly reluctant look, Ibara stepped back.
She sat down on the bedside, patting the spot beside her.
I obediently followed. The springs creaked under our combined weight.

“…So?”

Ibara glared at me.
I slowly opened my mouth.

“Like I said before. I still don’t have the confidence to accept you, Ibara.”

“So that’s about whether two women can do this sort of thing, right? We are doing it, aren’t we?”

“No, it’s not that.”

“Eh?”

Ibara looked dumbfounded.
Ah, I see. That’s where we’d been at odds.
That’s why Ibara had looked so desperate.
　Well, maybe half of it was just her running wild.

“That’s not what I mean. If it were that… well, I think I’d probably be fine with it.”

Honestly, at this point, I’m well aware of my own sexuality.
I can kiss Ibara, and I could probably go further.
Whether it’s touching her or letting her touch me.
Probably… no, definitely. I know that.
　So when I said the other day that I wasn’t sure I could accept Ibara, that wasn’t what I meant.
It wasn’t that.

“By the time Ibara graduates from university, I’ll be thirty.”

“Eh?”

“So, you see. By then, I’ll probably be completely irrelevant to you. I’ll be like that older girl from the neighbourhood you liked back in the day – just a distant memory.”

The words I’d spoken stabbed me right back. Imagined loss hurts this much.

“I don’t know who it’ll be, but Ibara, you’ll meet someone even more wonderful. Because you’re so adorable. You could have any romance you want, Ibara.”

Ibara said nothing.
I continued talking.

“You said you weren’t interested, but you might return to showbiz. When that happens, I don’t want to be a burden on Ibara, you know?”

“……………………… ………….”

“Thinking about it like that… I wonder if it’s right for someone like me to take up your time, Ibara. Your insomnia seems to be improving too. If this is just a temporary thing, then I shouldn’t…”

“Haaah…”

As if cutting me off, Ibara let out a huge sigh.

“It’s you, Shigure-san.”

“Wh-what do you mean?”

“You don’t understand anything. It’s Shigure-san, you know.”

“Eh…”

“Listen,” Ibara glared up at me from below.

“I like Shigure-san. I like her so, so, so, so much. I like her so much it makes me feel like I’m going mad. Do you get it? Is it getting through? It’s not, is it? That’s why you’re saying such nonsensical things.”

“Ibara, but—”

“No ‘buts’. I like Shigure-san. Truly, truly, from the bottom of my heart. If this feeling isn’t real, then I don’t have any real feelings anywhere. I like her so much I can’t even see anyone else. I really, really like her.”

Ibara’s feelings crashed into me head-on.
A heavy, huge, overwhelmingly vast, raging torrent of “liking” that felt like it might crush me.

“To someone like me, hypothetical scenarios or future plans just don’t register. Do you understand? You must understand. I’m telling you, this isn’t about logic or weighing up pros and cons.”

“That’s because Ibara—”

“Yes. Because I’m childish. Because I’m a dreamy, love-struck princess with my head in the clouds. But what’s wrong with that?”

Before I could find my words, Ibara pressed on.

“If you want to talk about the future, fine. I’ll tell you. After high school, I’ll go to university, work part-time, and live with Shigure-san. Not semi-cohabitation, full cohabitation. We’ll share the housework, but since Shigure-san will be busy with work, I’ll take on more. I’m rubbish at cooking though, so on weekends, Shigure-san will make batch meals and stock the fridge. In return, washing up and cleaning will be my job. Shigure-san usually gets home around nine, so I’ll wait for her while writing my uni reports. When she gets back, we’ll eat together, then cuddle up watching Netflix or videos. I take a bath beforehand, but in weekends we bathe together and wash each other. After bathing, we take turns using the hairdryer, apply our favourite body milk together, and once our skincare’s done, we hug. Then we kiss. After that, we climb into bed together, cuddle up while we’re still cosying up, and fall asleep. I’d like to have sex at least twice a week. In the morning, I wake Shigure-san up, we have granola for breakfast, and I see her off with a ‘Have a good day’. I’ll take my time getting ready, jotting down things I need to buy at the shops tonight on my phone while listening to lectures. Then I’ll go shopping, maybe pop into Sereno for a change, have Aki-chan’s daily pasta special together, come home, and cuddle while watching videos again.”

She rattled it off so fast I couldn’t tell where she took breaths, then fixed me with a stare.

“That’s my prediction for the future. Which one do you think is nicer? Shigure-san’s future, or mine?”