I waited, soaking in the filled bath, for Amamiya Tōru to finish washing her hair and body.
Before getting in, I’d made excuses about it being cramped or something, but even so, our bathroom was large enough for two people to soak together with reasonable space.

“………”
“………”

I had already finished washing myself.
Even while I waited in the bath, we remained silent like this.
When being waited for, the silence felt awkward, but now that I was the one waiting, strangely enough, this silence wasn’t so bad.
The relaxing effect of the bath made me feel pleasantly warm and comfortable.

It’s alright.
Surprisingly, there was no embarrassment or tension.

　Truthfully, I could have happily waited in silence until she came to the bath.
But it seems the silence was still awkward for Amamiya Tōru, the one being waited for.

She began to speak, her words coming out in a trickle.

“My dad took my phone away.”
“………I see.”
“So if you tried sending me any messages, I’m sorry.”
“Don’t worry about it at all. Sure, I felt worried and lonely, but given the circumstances, it can’t be helped.”

I see. Thank you.
She said that and continued.
About the cause of the bruises all over her body.

“He’d been hitting me like this for a while now.”
“………”
“But it’s only recently he started hurting me so badly I get bruises this big.”
“………”
“I tried to get my phone back. I think it was the first time I ever defied him.”

I believe that was the trigger.
Her voice trembled as she spoke those words.
Was it fear? Or sorrow?
Only Amamiya Tōru herself could know.
But the pain in her heart, that I could share.

My heart aches terribly right now.

　If Amamiya Tōru, who had never shown defiance towards her parents before, had recently rebelled of her own accord for the first time, then I was undoubtedly involved in that change of heart.

I couldn’t remain unconnected, nor could I possibly listen as if it were someone else’s problem.

Because it wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say she was wounded now because of me.
That meant I, too, felt the pain of self-reproach.

“I started getting hit a lot. Kicked a lot. It hurt, and I was scared…”
“…Amamiya-san…”
“But if it was just violence, I could still endure it. I’m used to it now.”
“……”
“You see, Mashiro. My father is someone I fear and dislike, but there’s someone I dislike even more than him. That person is myself. I hated the thought of losing even one connection to Mashiro. I thought I’d never let anything be taken from me, yet I couldn’t even protect myself. I loved Mashiro, cherished her, and wanted to keep everything connected to our memories close. But when I tried to resist my father, my mind immediately went into survival mode. If I resisted more, I’d suffer worse pain. I didn’t want that. I was scared, after all. My mind filled with those thoughts, and my body froze. ………. And that’s when I realised. I’m a despicable woman who, when push comes to shove, will always put myself before Mashiro. Father often told me, “You’re a bad child, you don’t deserve to have your Christmas or birthday celebrated.” He was absolutely right.

　Her words trail off there.
　Amamiya Tōru takes a breath, shivering as she draws it in deeply.

　Watching her like that, I found myself thinking many things.

Putting yourself first is never a bad thing.
No one likes pain, and wanting to flee from fear is only human.
Birthdays, Christmas, other anniversaries too — while there may be circumstances where one cannot celebrate, surely no one is unworthy of being celebrated.
………Is this just because I’m still a child who hasn’t quite grown up, too ignorant of the world?

If it were my mother, my father.
　A proper adult would see things differently, wouldn’t they?

But no, right now adult opinions don’t matter. The only person Amamiya Tōru is talking to is me.
I’m the only one who can speak to her.
So what I want to say doesn’t have to be mature.
No matter how childish it is, I have to say what Kuroda Mashiro herself feels.

What I felt most strongly.
The huge mistake I realised while listening to her story.

　Amamiya Tōru seems overly fixated on our past memories together.

I wanted her to think about
what happens with me now and in the future, rather than what happened with me in the past.

That’s the feeling I hold most strongly right now, the one I must convey to her.
It’s fine, really.
Don’t hate yourself over something like that.
We can make countless more happy memories together from now on.

　That’s what I wanted Amamiya Tōru to think.

As I organised my thoughts, the tangled emotions in my heart calmed slightly.

I saw the stance I needed to take with her.

All that remained was to keep listening to her pour out her feelings until Amamiya Tōru was satisfied.

“When I’m with Mashiro, I kinda deluded myself into thinking I was becoming a warmer person too. I thought I was becoming kind and good, like Mashiro. But I was wrong. No matter how much I stay beside such a gentle, warm light, I could never become light myself. I’m still a bad person, unworthy of even being near light. Realising that, somehow, every time I think of Mashiro, she just seems so dazzling. I found myself feeling a little envious. And so, you see… ………Even though I should adore Mashiro, I pushed her to the back of my mind along with all the unpleasant and painful things, trying not to think about her.”

Amamiya Tōru spoke while standing under the shower, her voice trembling so much it felt as though she might be crying.
Listening to it was agonising.
Moreover, what she confessed wounded me deeply.
　The fact that Amamiya Tōru had tried not to think about me pierced my heart.
Just moments ago, I’d thought I could see the stance I needed to show her, yet now, once more, anxiety began to well up inside me.

The possibility that my very presence might be causing Amamiya Tōru pain.

I couldn’t help but think it.

……….

……………….

　………………………But. But.

“I’m truly a dreadful woman. A worthless person.”

“I have no right to be by Mashiro’s side anymore.”

“No right whatsoever.”

Those words of Amamiya Tōru.
They weren’t directed at me. Only those words, akin to self-harm spilled forth to stab herself.

　…compelled me, who had intended to remain silent and listen to the end.
It reinforced and strengthened my wavering resolve, my heart, filled with anxiety.

Because that act of self-harm.
Only those who have done it can understand the feeling behind it.
I can deny it.
With such profound conviction it drowns out my anxiety.
I hurl the words at her.
To prevent her from inflicting any more wounds upon herself.

“Amamiya-san.”
“………What?”

Amamiya Tōru, her eyes wet, looked at me.

“Will you listen to me?”