Episode 24: You Look More Miserable Than Me

A thud sounded as his elbow hit the floor.
I straddled Seno-san, who’d been pushed down by me and was lifting his face to complain.

Quickly grabbing both his hands and pinning them above his head, I pressed him down onto the floor with my weight, holding him down with one hand.

“Hey, Kaori!?”

“Hey, no rope? Rope?”

“Rope!?”

“Didn’t you say it was okay to tie you up?”

Her eyes, fixed on me, flickered with shock.

I sank my teeth into the nape of her speechless neck, feeling her body stiffen.
Just below her ear. Pressing my lips to a spot unlikely to be easily concealed, I sucked hard.

“…I’ll have to show Niiyama-kun. Apparently, you’ve got other sleeping partners too.”

　If words couldn’t stop her, then I’d simply mark her body all over, make her unable to escape.

I thought it was a rather good idea myself, but Seno-san frowned and glared at me.

“What are you talking about?”

“Or have you already done it with Niiyama-kun? You said it didn’t matter to me who you did what with, right?”

“I haven’t, and I have no intention of doing so.”

“You’re lying.”

“Why would I lie to you?”

“Well, I don’t know.”

I pressed my lips to the nape of her neck again, running my tongue along it.
Oh, what am I doing?
This is just me destroying our relationship, isn’t it?
But I don’t know what else to do.

If I destroy everything, make a complete mess of it, what on earth will be left between you and me?

　I dig my teeth into her collarbone. Ignoring Seno-san’s small cry of pain, I leave several kiss marks.
This isn’t enough. I need to carve it deeper into her body.
Only a few days until Christmas. I won’t let it fade before then.

I won’t let that bastard touch her. This body is mine. Until these marks fade, I won’t let him lay a finger on her.

My vision feels like it’s spinning round and round.
　Could this be a dream? I wish it were.
Ah, I don’t even know anymore.

I found it amusing how red marks left on her pale skin, sucking relentlessly, until a harsh voice snapped me back to consciousness.

“Kaori, hey, Kaori, for goodness’ sake…! Fine, do as you please, but stop on visible parts. I’ll be unable to go to work, won’t I!? You drunkard!”

　I bit into Seno-san’s earlobe as she flailed her legs, trying desperately to free herself from my grip.

Hot. Hotter. Burning hot. — My sweat dripped from my chin onto her back, dotted with red marks.
Her hands, bound tightly in her loungewear, trembled. At first, she seemed to be trying hard to support her body, but her bound arms couldn’t hold her up. She must have given up eventually, because she ended up sprawled face-down on the white rug. She looks like a cat, I thought vaguely.

“Kaori…! Stop it, you’re being… persistent…!”

Her face flushed crimson up to her neck, tears welling in her eyes, Seno-san turned and glared at me, weighing down on her back.

　That expression doesn’t scare me at all; if anything, it just provokes me. Why doesn’t she realise?

Whether it’s the heating being too hot or doing this without taking off my clothes, I’m drenched in sweat. Even though I’m not the one being touched, my heart is beating at an amusing pace.

I chase the undulating back and the hips trying to escape. I’ve noticed she’s reached her limit several times, but I still don’t stop.

　Don’t run away from me.
You taught me everything yourself. The places that feel good. How you like to be touched.

As I continued, the voice I’d been hearing between shallow breaths finally changed into something like crying.
My whole body was sticky with sweat and everything else, and suddenly nothing mattered anymore.

Amidst the orchestra of a dull headache and ringing in my ears, I just stared at Seno-san, as if burning the image into my eyes.

The faint remnants of reason whisper in my ear.

――There’s no way this can be forgiven.

Yes. I came here today to end it. I couldn’t bear it any longer.
I just want to be free of this. I want to escape. I want to return to being blank.

Even though I think that, I can’t bring myself to give up. I love you so much it makes me want to cry. I don’t want to give you to anyone else. My chest aches unbearably.

　If it meant suffering this much, I wish we’d never met.

I hate myself, I absolutely hate myself, for being unable to wish you happiness. It feels like being forced to see that this feeling isn’t true love.

Because I love you, I want you to love me back.
I hate how greedy I’m becoming. It’s not my place to decide who this person stays with.

In the end, I never once told her I loved her.

　＊＊＊

“…Are you satisfied now?”

It was a dreadful state of affairs.
I’d done as I pleased, and all that remained was bitter regret.
Seno-san lay sprawled on her back, brushing her hair back with a sigh so deep it sounded exasperated.
　She seemed too drained to even sit up and yell at me. Unable to look directly at her body covered in kiss marks and teeth marks, I averted my eyes.

“…Why are you making that face? I’m the one who should be crying…”

I didn’t even know how to apologise anymore.

“…Sorry. You can punch me once.”

“…Why did you do this?”

“I’m sorry.”

That was all I could say. I bowed my head, closing my eyes against the dull ache, when Seno-san sat up.

“…I’m not angry, so lift your face.”

A palm touched my cheek.
Why say you’re not angry? I’d rather you’d cursed me.
Tears spilled again, and Seno-san’s thumb gently wiped them away.

“Why aren’t you angry? After doing something so awful?”

“…Because you look more miserable than I do.”

With those words, I heard the sound of the cheap pride I’d been clinging to shatter completely.

I reached out, grabbed the nape of his neck, and pulled her closer. I noticed Seno-san looked startled for a moment, but I pressed my lips to hers without a second thought.

It’s the end anyway. At least, for the end.

I’d been scared all along. Kissing felt like letting her see right into my soul. But now, I had no room left for vanity.

I didn’t want to let go because I loved her.
That’s why I did such a despicable thing.

When our lips parted, our eyes met, her gaze wavering.

“…I’m sorry, this has to be… the end.”

“What do you mean…?”

“Let’s just go back to being colleagues. Even though I said that… you and Niiyama-kun are perfect for each other.”

It was me putting on my strongest front.
Repairing a relationship I’d already broken was impossible.
If I could, I wanted to be the kind of person who could wish for your happiness.

“…That’s why… I told you not to decide things on your own!? What the hell is this all of a sudden?! You just show up at my place out of nowhere, do whatever you want with my body, and then say ‘let’s end it’?　Cut the bloody nonsense already!!”

A voice louder than I’d ever heard from her. I almost flinched, but I lifted my face and met her gaze.
Having exposed myself like this, my pride shattered into pieces, there was nothing left to pretend about now.

“I’m not joking! I can’t just stand by and watch you find someone else. I can’t just cut myself off like that! I’ve had enough, I can’t take my heart being torn apart any longer!”

The dam holding back my emotions burst in an instant, and my true feelings poured out unstoppably.

“What’s that supposed to mean? I don’t want to hear that from you of all people! And anyway, what? You’re the one who kept rejecting me all along. You’re the one who dumped me, Kaori, aren’t you!?”

Seno-san grabbed the rumpled loungewear strewn across the floor and hurled it at me with all her might. I flicked it away with one hand and shouted back.

“What the hell!? When did I ever dump you?!”

I felt dizzy from lack of oxygen.
　Dumped? I don’t remember that. Because you’ve never once told me you liked me.

“You didn’t even give me a kiss on my birthday, and you’ve got the nerve to say that!”

This time, underwear flew at me. Unable to dodge it, a bra strap smacked squarely into my face. I clutched my cheek and groaned.

“Ow…!”

Taking advantage of my flinch, Seno-san’s arm shot out and grabbed me firmly by the collar. She then shoved me hard, slamming my back onto the floor.

I gasped, feeling as if my lungs were being crushed, but Seno-san paid no heed. Completely naked, she straddled my hips.

　I had not the slightest intention of fighting back, but completely pinned in a mount position, I was utterly helpless.
I even thought I wouldn’t mind being hit. I deserved it, after all.
The hand gripping my collar pulled it tight, then yanked me up forcefully, choking me.

“If that’s how you feel, why did you keep refusing me all this time? Do you have any idea how I felt!?”

“I don’t know, I haven’t the foggiest. …Tell me everything. Everything you’re thinking, everything you feel, every single thing. I can’t be expected to guess or figure it out!”

I raised my voice desperately, looking up at Seno-san through tear-filled eyes.

　Looking back calmly, we were glaring at each other in an utterly ridiculous state.
The room fell deathly silent. I was desperate, but Seno-san’s eyes were equally serious.

We were both panting heavily.
Pride and vanity held no meaning anymore. We were both prepared to cast it all aside and lay bare our true feelings.

　I caught my breath, noticing Seno-san’s hand trembling ever so slightly.
We remained frozen, glaring at each other, but Seno-san took a deep, calming breath, then released the grip she had on my collar with both hands.

“Guh.”

Thud. My head slammed hard against the floor, and I could only groan.