Episode 20: Do You Like My Body That Much?

After that, I pondered things in my own way.

Before sleep, lying in bed staring blankly at the ceiling, I recalled our first meeting, the night we first became intimate, and the casual conversations shared in that same bed.

I relentlessly combed through my memories, searching for any clue within our accumulated time that might break this deadlock, any hint I might have missed.

I longed for the warmth that should have been beside me.

　We weren’t the type to sleep clinging to each other, but a semi-double bed was undeniably cramped for two grown women, and we always touched somewhere.

Perhaps because we slept with the heating off, stroking the space beside me felt like cold sheets, as if I lay upon thin ice.
Sleeping alone is lonely. But… it’s not just anyone.

　Until now, Seno-san had always taken my hand. She was always the one to make the first move, and I’d grown complacent, taking it for granted.

Despite fearing it might end someday, I stood there doing nothing, just waiting.

Once she let go, I no longer knew what to rely on to move forward.

I was usually good at giving up. Like with the guy I liked in university.
　”He has a girlfriend.”
That was reason enough for me to give up so easily. I could have waited. But I didn’t.

Because I didn’t want to suffer, I buried my feelings, pretended, only dated people I could be with easily, and experienced nothing but fake relationships.

But this time, I don’t think I can back down like that.

I carefully ruminate over the advice Aosawa-chan gave me.

“More simply… be honest with your own feelings…”

That’s right. There’s no point overthinking it. I should just be simpler, more direct, and tell her how I feel in my own words.

I want to regain that passion once more.

＊＊＊

I chased after Seno-san, who had left her seat, grabbed her arm, said “I need to talk,” and dragged her into the supply closet.

　Here, no one would find us. We could talk freely.

Though I almost flinched at her usual cool gaze, I poured out my feelings earnestly, using simple words.

“Let me hold you.”

“…Huh?”

Seno-san’s eyes widened, speechless. She stared at me as if I were some unbelievable sight.

　For me, it was the confession of a lifetime.
Despite swallowing my shame to tell her, she furrowed her brow and looked displeased.
“…Do you like my body that much?”

“Eh?”

Like her body?
I didn’t understand why she suddenly asked that, but I nodded anyway.

　I’d mustered my courage to convey that I simply wanted us to return to how we were before, and if possible, move beyond that – that this was my first step towards repairing our relationship. I hadn’t expected such a dissatisfied expression.

“Your naked body is beautiful, and I do like it…”

“Oh… so that’s what you meant… Haa, well… I suppose… getting angry was rather silly.”

So she was angry after all…

　Seno pressed her forehead and sighed deeply, looking utterly exasperated.
Her eyes fixed on me, dripping with dissatisfaction, and a cold sweat ran down my back – maybe I’d said the wrong thing.
But then, what should I have said?
I didn’t know the right answer, but it was painfully clear that the way I’d phrased it just now had been terrible.

“Sorry, I guess…”

　As I scrambled to correct myself, Seno-san sighed, sounding deflated.

“…………Alright, fine.”

“Eh?”

“What’s that reaction? You said you wanted to do it, Kaori. Or do you want to back out?”

“No… I’m not backing out.”

That’s true, but, it still felt unsettling.
As I stood there, confused by the unexpected response, Seno-san looked at me.

“…I think I might have misunderstood you.”

“Misunderstood?”

“…Never mind.”

Seno-san lowered her gaze, looking vaguely hurt, and I found myself slightly concerned.

It had been an age since I’d visited her home. The moment we arrived, I scooped her up and shoved her into the bedroom as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

　Senō-san rolled up her knit top and tossed it aside. As her black underwear came into view, my heartbeat gradually quickened.
Pulling her close, I pressed my nose to the nape of her neck. Ah, this. This scent. Somehow it stirs desire within me.

Grasping her slender shoulders and pressing her onto the bed, I leaned over her. Seno-san looked up at me and murmured softly.

“…All the girls I’ve been with before were like this too. Why does everyone want to hold me so badly?”

“Hm?”

“I’m not exactly a complete submissive… Why do you want to touch me, Kaori?”

Why?

It’s because there’s something about you that stirs my desire, I thought, but I hesitated to voice it.
After a moment’s thought, I opened my mouth.

“…Because I want to make you cry.”

Seno-san’s eyes widened slightly, as if surprised.

“Well, I didn’t know you had a sadistic streak.”

“It’s not quite like that…”

It’s not like I inherently have that kind of kink.
When I denied it, Seno-san laughed oddly and held out both her wrists in front of me.

“Go ahead and tie me up. Do whatever you like with me, Kaori.”

“…Didn’t you say before you didn’t have that sort of interest?”

“I don’t, I don’t. But I’ll indulge you. Since that’s the nature of our relationship, you shouldn’t hold back. Enjoy it more.”

I grabbed the offered arms and pushed her back onto the bed once more.

　”Since that’s the kind of relationship we have.”

A fuck buddy, then. I thought I understood, but it hit me hard.

“I told you, it’s not like that… I don’t have that kind of interest either.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. Just get on with it.”

Her bluntness stung.
Ignoring the sharp, burning ache in my chest, I pressed my lips to her neck.

　—So everyone wants to hold you, huh.

I understand why.
It’s because the moment your usually strong words falter, the gap between that and how you cry so adorably and cling to me like this is irresistible.

Her neck, flushed crimson. I grasped her chin, which had been turned away, forcing her to face me. Our eyes met, hers brimming with tears.
The overwhelming urge surging through me in this instant defies description.

　I find myself imagining things. All sorts of things. Her past relationships… all sorts.

“Kaori.”

Called by name between ragged breaths, the hand at my nape pulled me tightly against her.
Meeting Seno-san changed me.
What I’d thought was love before was too beautiful, too transparent.

　Like black paint falling onto what should have been a clear, transparent surface.

It spreads out like ripples.

I didn’t know.
That love could be such an ugly emotion.
I don’t want to give you to anyone. I want you for myself. The black flame scorching my heart only grows stronger.

As I bite into the exposed collarbone, the palm around my back clenches my clothes.
　She held me tight, tighter still, as if to suppress my trembling body.

My arms fell limply onto the sheets.
Burying my face in her chest, where she was breathing heavily, feeling her heart beating faster and faster, I closed my eyes.

What should I do?

If I stay like this, I really will—

　＊＊＊

“Ugh… cold…”

Rubbing my arms as I returned from the balcony, I met the gaze of Seno-san, who seemed to have woken up.

“…What were you doing?”

“Having a smoke. This winter’s really cold, isn’t it?”

“…You should have smoked under the extractor fan.”

“Nah, it’s fine. I’m alright.”

As I slowly slipped into bed and our feet touched, she complained in a hoarse, sleepy voice, “It’s cold.”

“…The weather forecast said it might snow for Christmas. A year goes by in the blink of an eye, doesn’t it? I love this time of year best. Christmas, New Year’s Eve, New Year’s Day all come at once… It’s hectic, but doesn’t it make you excited?”

“Well, yes. I like winter best too. My savings jump up all at once with the bonus.”

“…What’s that supposed to mean? You really do love money, don’t you?”

“Is there anyone who dislikes money? Isn’t it better to have as much as possible? When I get my bonus and think, ‘Ah, I worked hard this year too,’ am I the only one?”

“Seno-san, I wonder… even if you had that much money, what exactly would you want to do?”

When I asked him this question, Seno-san laughed, rolled onto his back, and closed his eyes.

“Hmm… maybe travel abroad? Take a month off and go somewhere I’ve always wanted to visit…”

“You don’t need to be rich to go abroad, do you?”

“Is that so? My family business kept me busy, and I’ve hardly travelled at all. I don’t even have a passport.”

“Hmm…”

“Aren’t you going to sympathise?”

“Your salary isn’t exactly low now, is it? You could just go wherever you want on your own.”

“Aren’t you going to ask me to come with you? I guess Kaori isn’t popular after all, huh?”

“What would we even do, the two of us, wherever we went?”

Seno-san snapped her eyes open, turned to me, and grinned mischievously.

“Well then, how about having sex on holiday?”

“…Does that even count as travelling?”

I blurted out sarcastically. Seno-san chuckled oddly, rolled her eyes back, and closed them again.

“True… going on holiday with a fuck buddy is pointless. Oh dear, it’s Christmas already… I really ought to stop doing things like this and find myself a boyfriend soon…”

Those words stabbed sharply into my chest.

A boyfriend… A boyfriend, huh…

Am I not good enough?

I know.
A romance with a woman who “wants to get married someday” is futile. Because the end is already in sight.

　No money. Not a man. What do I have now?

Is there any way to turn this around completely…?

Before I could say anything back, I realised I could hear quiet breathing.

I should have wished to be beside her. And now, she’s right here in front of me, close enough that if I reached out, I could feel her warmth.

Our relationship has simply returned to how it was before.

　—No, is it really?

I thought that sleeping in the same bed again like this would surely fill my heart.
But… why? Even though she’s this close, the hollow in my heart remains utterly unfilled.

Something is different.

If I couldn’t grasp that ‘something’ now, I felt she might slip away from this reachable distance before long.