Episode 19: The Pervert

As December arrived, the office suddenly became hectic in preparation for the Christmas and year-end sales rush.

The autumn wind that had whipped up dry fallen leaves vanished somewhere, heavy, thick grey clouds and dry air heralding winter’s arrival.

It was so bitterly cold that going to work felt like a chore. This winter was far too cold to sleep alone; I longed for the warmth that should have been beside me.

　She still seemed angry with me, her attitude as unyielding as ever. Like some ice queen.
I tried every approach to win her favour, but her response was lukewarm, and I failed every time.

Don’t give up, Mitsuya Kaori. You can do this.

I desperately tried to encourage myself, and today I chased after her again when she left her desk.

“…Listen, how long are you going to stay angry? Wouldn’t it be alright to forgive me by now?”

I stared at Seno-san’s profile as she walked down the corridor.

Her eyes, which glanced at me, were cold and sharp. That gaze alone felt like it was mercilessly cutting through my heart.

“I’m not angry.”

Liar. This has never happened before. Even when we argued, we always made up quickly.

“…Did I do something to upset you? I want to apologise properly, so please tell me why.”

“Nothing.”

I simply followed her retreating back as she walked swiftly on ahead.

I thought I knew Seno-san’s character from our time together, but she’s incredibly skilled at hiding her true feelings.
Being bad at reading between the lines, when she conceals her emotions, it suddenly feels like I’ve been blindfolded.

“…Kaori.”

“Eh?”

Startled by my name being called suddenly, I snapped out of my daze and looked up. I’d been lost in thought, zoning out.

“How far do you plan to follow me? Pervert.”

Before I knew it, I’d followed her right into a toilet cubicle. Seno-san narrowed her eyes at me.

“Ah… sorry.”

“…Get out.”

Pushed on the shoulder, I stumbled backwards as the door slammed shut with a bang.

No good, then.
I sighed and hung my head.

＊＊＊

Normally, we’d go out for lunch, but desperate to appease Her Majesty, I seized the moment. I bought rice balls at the convenience store and chased after Seno-san to the break room.

　At this point, I couldn’t afford to be choosy. Action was the only way forward. There was no path left but to beg for forgiveness.

I placed the convenience store plastic bag with a deliberately loud rustle on the seat opposite Seno-san, who was taking her lunchbox out of her lunch tote by the window.
She looked up at me with a puzzled expression.

“…Kaori, you know…”

“What?”

“Don’t people often tell you you’re persistent?”

I peeled the wrapper off my rice ball while looking at Seno-san’s exasperated face.

“Really? Only you’ve ever said that to me.”

Especially during sex, for instance.
When I said it suggestively, she must have realised what I meant because she kicked my leg hard under the table. Ouch.

“Sigh… Never mind. …Anyway, is that really enough? You should just make your own lunch.”

“I want something tasty for lunch.”

“Hmm… Are convenience store rice balls actually good?”

“Better than making them myself, anyway.”

I looked at Seno-san’s neatly packed lunchbox. Lucky her, it looks delicious.
　No wonder she’s popular. It’d be strange if she wasn’t. With that face, that body, and those domestic skills? Men wouldn’t leave her alone.
Even now, I can’t fathom why she ever considered me.
Even from a woman’s perspective, she was that perfect. I genuinely couldn’t believe she didn’t have a boyfriend.

With such a gap between us, even if she’d just toyed with me, got bored, and discarded me, it wouldn’t surprise me at all…

　Just as I was feeling rather down, my phone buzzed. Pulling it from my pocket, I saw the message was from my mother.

I couldn’t help but sigh. Seno-san stared at me intently as she stuffed her cheeks with perfectly cooked rolled omelette.

“…What’s wrong?”

“Hm? Ah, my mum. My sister’s wedding is coming up soon, isn’t it? …Hah, feels like it’s come round in the blink of an eye.”

　The wedding was just before Christmas. I planned to head back to my parents’ place early to avoid rushing the day before, and after the ceremony, I intended to return straight to Tokyo without staying overnight.

“Hmm… Having sisters must be nice. Kaori, you’re not going to cry, are you?”

Seeing me with my head bowed, Seno-san gave a gentle smile. The sharpness from earlier was gone. It was just that, but my heart felt a little lighter.

“…Even though our relationship as sister and younger sister won’t change, it feels strangely lonely. I can’t quite put it into words… It’s like being reminded that we’re walking separate paths in life.”

“Well, even though they’re family, they’re separate people, aren’t they? It might be complicated for you, Kaori, but your parents must be delighted. Every parent imagines seeing their child as a bride, don’t they?”

A bride. As long as I can’t quite give up on you, I don’t think I could show my parents that sight.
But Yū’s marriage might have eased my mind a bit.
If they say anything, I feel like I can dodge it by saying, “Well, Yū got married, so it’s fine for me now, right? Please stop expecting anything.”

“Well, I suppose I can just think of it as them being taken care of instead… Yū said she wanted children, so I hope they have them soon and distract Mum and Dad.”

“Don’t you want children, Kaori?”

“Children? I’ve never even considered it. It’s impossible for me, impossible.”

I was too terrified to ask how you felt about it.
Just as I reached for the second rice ball, I suddenly felt eyes on me and looked up.

“Come to think of it… Kaori, you’ve been getting on rather well with Kurosaki-kun lately, haven’t you? I heard you went out for drinks the other day.”

　Kurosaki-kun? I was startled by the sudden, unexpected mention of his name.

“Ah, yeah. A lot happened while you were away… He took a liking to me. He’s a good lad, isn’t he? Looks scary because he’s so big, but he’s surprisingly easy to talk to. We went to the batting centre together the other day, and apparently Kurosaki-kun even played in Koshien once.”

“Hmm…”

“Well, you don’t seem to be into that sort of type, though.”

“How would you know my type, Kaori?”

“A deadbeat with no steady job and low income, right?”

Another solid blow. She kicked me in the shin, and I laughed out loud.

Yes, this is it.
This kind of banter is why being together feels so comfortable.

I really do want things back the way they were. Giving up? I don’t think I can do that yet.

　When Seno-san finished eating,

“Fancy some coffee? I’ll go and get some.”

I asked, carefully gauging her expression.
As she packed her lunchbox into her tote bag, she gave me a complicated look.

“…Somehow, when Kaori tries to appease me like that, it throws me off.”

Interpreting her awkward sigh as agreement, I stood up.

　I simply watched the coffee brew.
If this much could cheer her up, it would be cheap, but this time, I had a feeling it wouldn’t be that straightforward.

That day, hadn’t Seno-san tried to reach out to me? But I’d been scared and pushed her away. So she’d distanced herself from me too.
Surely, that was the answer.

　Returning to my seat, Seno-san was propping her cheek on her hand, gazing out the window.
What is this feeling? Staring at her profile, a sharp ache tightened deep in my chest.

My gaze slid down her white nape. How long ago was it that I could press my lips against that smooth skin?

I frantically averted my eyes, only now becoming aware of this searing, consuming desire.
　I didn’t want to admit it, but I had no choice.
That I desired her.

Was this heat born of love? Or was it love born of this heat?
Perhaps it was all an illusion, not even love at all?
I couldn’t tell anymore.

When I handed her the coffee, Seno-san murmured softly, “Thank you.”

　The office was a whirlwind of activity, days rushing by like the wind.
Whilst glancing at colleagues working energetically at full throttle towards Christmas, I found myself preoccupied, wondering who she would spend Christmas with.

Time passed relentlessly, and the longer it went on, the more I began to wonder if all the nights I’d spent with her until now had been nothing but an illusion.

It had been nearly a month since that night. The daily routine, devoid of any touch, felt hollow, as if a draught blew through the gaps in my heart.

There were countless moments when, merely sensing the scent of her perfume as I passed by, my heart would leap in an almost amusing way, and my consciousness would be stolen away.

I was drawn to her. Irresistibly. Yet she no longer even looked my way.

I thought that if she were to reject me outright, I might be able to accept it. But I couldn’t abandon hope, and my refusal to give up was utterly hopeless, ridiculous.