The Clever Woman

A cushion hurled through the air grazed my cheek before slamming into the wall.

A shrill, ear-splitting scream. Eyes filled with hatred, glaring at me.

What was it about this girl that made me fall in love? Now, I can’t even remember that.

　Tears overflowed from her eyes, tracing her cheeks before dripping from her slender chin onto the floor.

I averted my gaze from her eyes, still seething with anger.

“Why are you suddenly saying you want to break up!? What about my feelings!? Rei, you’re always like this, never acknowledging my anxieties at all!”

I thought I’d been acknowledging them as much as possible.

　But it wasn’t me who didn’t trust you.
I’m just tired of soothing you when you get angry like this, tired of wiping your tears and holding you.

“…You’re cheating on me. That’s why you want to break up, isn’t it? It’s a man, isn’t it? Come on, say something!!”

Unable to bear it any longer, I grabbed my bag and left the room.

　This was the all too abrupt end to my four-year relationship with my university girlfriend.

The university life I devoted solely to her must surely be a “hellish memory” for both of us.

If she said “I’m lonely” or “I want to see you”, I’d go meet her, even if it was the middle of the night.

I thought I was being sincere in our relationship.

　But if I spoke to another man, or if someone asked for my contact details, she’d fly into a rage, berating me relentlessly until she’d had her fill.

I never argued back. I just listened in silence.

She hated it if I wore anything that showed a bit of skin. Every time I changed my make-up, she’d pester me with accusations of cheating.

　But you said you liked this face of mine, didn’t you?

I don’t dress up to be liked by anyone. I just do it because I like it.

She always said she felt anxious.
“I’m scared of being abandoned someday,” she’d say.

Being with me made her mentally unstable, she claimed.

She was so anxious she couldn’t stand it.

　According to her, it’s all my fault. Because I can love men too.

Is that really such a bad thing?
Being able to love both men and women.

When she keeps blaming me like this, sometimes I feel like I don’t belong in this world.

I can’t fully align myself with my homosexual partner, yet I can’t fully become heterosexual either.

　Sometimes I feel like I can’t fully commit to either white or black, and I’m being shunned by both sides.

At some point, it started to feel ridiculous to keep living while she denied me.
Being with this girl makes me feel like my heart is wearing away.

I don’t intend to deny that I was born this way and live with my head bowed.

After four years together, you never truly saw the real me.
If you were so insecure, you shouldn’t have started dating me in the first place.

Don’t blame me for your lack of self-confidence.

Enough. I’m tired.
I’ll never date a woman again.

　It’s simple.
I can choose, so I’ll choose.
I’ll surely find it easier to live if I have a ‘normal relationship’ with a man.

Thinking that, the relationship I had with him was filled with very happy days.

There were no tearful phone calls, no nagging for replies to messages, no possessiveness.

Maybe I could make it work with this person. Maybe we could stay together forever.
　I hoped so, but.

“Eh? You quit your job again?”

“Yeah. Sales just wasn’t for me…”

“I see… What about your next job?”

“I’ll find one soon. Sorry, Rei. I’m useless like this. I just can’t keep at it… Next time I’ll find a proper company where I can stay long-term. At this rate, I’ll never be good enough for you. It’s pathetic, I feel so worthless.”

“…Please, don’t say things like that.”

It wasn’t that he was asking for money.
He wasn’t in debt, nor was he gambling.
But he was always short of cash.
Worn-out cheap jeans. Well-worn T-shirts and the same old trainers.

He was kind.
But he was too easy on others, and consequently, too easy on himself.

“Rei, marry me. I love you. Let’s live together. Let’s stay together forever and ever.”

I had no complaints.
Simply, there was no hope for a future with you.

Marriage? When you can’t even afford a ring.

Would you change if we had children? Really?
What if you didn’t change?

It’s been like this all along.
From the moment we met. You haven’t changed at all.

　I loved your kindness born of knowing others’ pain, your delicate heart and vulnerability. It was precious.

But marrying him would be like boarding a sinking ship.
If I took his hand, I’d surely sink into the mud with him.

I refuse.

Blooming a flower from the depths of mud? I couldn’t possibly do that. I cannot become a lotus flower.
　If I must sink, I want to sink into a pure, transparent lake, calm and still to the very depths.

“…If I can’t get along with men or women, what on earth am I supposed to do?”

After parting with him, I drank myself into a stupor.
Deep down, I know.
Perhaps it’s my fault. Perhaps it’s because I lack discernment.

　I hate myself for being so emotional in love, yet never fully committing until the very end.

What I thought was love wasn’t love at all.
Because if I truly loved him, I should have been able to drown with him in the mud.

I said I loved him countless times. My words were lies.

In the end, I valued myself far, far more than him. I lacked the courage to sink together.

　I’m heartless.

How can I ever learn to love someone wholeheartedly?

Perhaps I should just look at the conditions.
Discard emotion and try falling in love with logic.

If possible, someone with money and stability, utterly steady of mind.

It doesn’t matter if they’re man or woman.

If I could be with someone like that, I’m certain I’d finally find happiness.

“Pleased to meet you, I’m Mitsuya Kaori. Nice to make your acquaintance.”

First impressions, ah, my type, I thought instinctively.
Almond-shaped eyes. A poised voice. A friendly laugh that seemed to blow away any slightly intimidating impression.

　Just when I’d resolved to seize happiness after a string of failures, here comes another obstacle.

But I’m not young enough to fall for someone just because they look my type.
After all, they’re straight through and through. And a colleague, for goodness’ sake.

I mustn’t misjudge the distance.
For my own happiness, I simply don’t have time for hopeless romances.

That’s what I should have been thinking, yet the moment intuition whispered ‘this might work’, I reached out without hesitation.

My bad habit.

Up until now, I’ve never been turned down when I’ve made a move like this. This time was no exception.

　I’d thought, since she’s probably straight anyway, I’d just take her, but when she flipped me over, I was actually a little surprised.
I don’t know what it is about my body that appeals so much, but when she gazed at me with those heated eyes, my alcohol-dulled brain couldn’t function properly, and I just thought, whatever happens, happens.

Just being looked at like that makes my chest burn easily.

　What if I get hooked?
Will I just repeat the same thing again?
Or this time, might I finally grasp happiness with my own hands?

Every time I drew my lips near and was rejected, it hurt.
But each time you drew that line, I felt something indescribable, a relief, yet utterly sorrowful.

　I wanted you so badly I reached out too easily, yet I couldn’t bring myself to end it. At first, I just wanted warmth.

Even knowing we’re both women, and that Kaori could never like me, when she presses her lips all over my body as instructed, it feels ticklish.

Does Kaori realise?

That you hold me as if I were your lover.

　She claims she doesn’t feel romantic attraction towards women, yet why does she look at me like that?

Is that statement the whole truth? Or does her true meaning lie elsewhere?
I truly cannot fathom what Kaori is thinking.

Those lips will never whisper words of love, yet with every touch, with each night we spend together, the heat in her gaze only grows day by day.

Perhaps I’m mistaken.
But what if I’m not?

　I want to reach out.

My head understands, but my heart simply won’t listen.

I’d lived my whole life unaware that baring my true self without pretence, exchanging words honestly, could feel this good.

I’ve only just realised.
That with all the lovers I’ve had before, I was always walking on eggshells.

Being beside you feels truly comfortable.

　I find myself hoping.
That this person might accept me just as I am.

When Mother collapsed, the fear of being alone truly struck me.

Somewhere deep down, I’d always believed my mother would remain an invincible superhero forever.
Seeing her sleeping in that hospital bed, her arm lined with wrinkles from the IV drip, a wave of anxiety and guilt washed over me.

　The blood of that heartless man who caused her so much suffering flows through me too.

Sometimes this blood makes me hate myself so much I want to disappear.

People cannot live forever.
Parents die before their children. It’s only natural. That’s how it is.

When that happens, I will be truly alone.

　I want someone to be by my side.
Living alone still frightens me a little.

If only we could live supporting each other. With someone who loves me.
If only we could love each other with the same intensity, equally.

If possible, I wish that someone could be you.

　When Kaori went out of her way to visit my family home, I must admit I was surprised.
She said she’d received documents from HR, but the envelope she handed me had my address clearly written on it, and she’d even thoughtfully affixed a stamp.

Such a clumsy person.

I realised immediately she’d come out of concern.

I found myself feeling pleased that she’d thought of me like this.

I think I’m a fool, even by my own standards.
Even though I might just end up repeating the same thing again.
After all, she’s straight, and there’s no guarantee of a future anywhere.

Yet I still want to move forward.

I want to pull your hand, trembling beyond the line drawn, even if I have to force it.

Kaori’s heart was pure, a crystal-clear lake stretching endlessly.
　No calculation, no lies, no taint.
I fell in love with that unwavering, straight gaze.

Kaori probably doesn’t know yet.
Having only ever known pretty, superficial romances, she’s so pure, unaware of dirty emotions.

When you said, with eyes trembling, wanting to know my feelings, I held a faint hope for just a moment.

　But when my lips were rejected, I realised Kaori simply couldn’t accept ‘love between women’.

People who can have sex with someone of the same sex but can’t direct romantic feelings towards them aren’t exactly rare. Kaori seemed to be that sort.

I should stop.
I don’t have time.

I tell myself this over and over.

　I was a fool. I should have known from the start. Kaori had made it clear to me from the beginning that she couldn’t direct romantic feelings towards women. In a way, she was being honest.

I’m not mature enough to compartmentalise it as purely physical, nor am I childish enough to believe in unfounded love.

If I continue like this, I’ll be damned. I must withdraw immediately.

　I’ve only just realised how much harder it is than I imagined to be needed only for physical intimacy by someone I care for.

Even if the physical aspect came first, I’d always assumed it would lead to a relationship – I’d been overconfident because that’s how it always happened before.

Perhaps this was bound to happen someday, given the way I’d always formed these kinds of connections.

　I misunderstood Kaori.

I never thought you were capable of something as deft as having a fuck buddy.

Even if this is just a game to you, I have no choice but to accept it.

It’s the least I can do to atone.
I have no right to reject you now, just because you don’t love me.

I’ll compartmentalise it. I should be able to. …I should.

　When I saw Kaori being held by Kurosaki-kun on the rooftop, I vaguely thought that perhaps, until I started dating someone, my relationships had been relatively easy.

Alongside resignation, I felt anger.

I never imagined the day would come when I’d be someone’s mistress.

Anyone.
Anyone who could distract me from this pain right now.

　Accepting Niiyama-kun’s invitation was half out of desperation.

That very day I sent my acceptance message, Kaori came storming over, her face drained of colour.

“You’ll sleep with anyone for money? What’s wrong with your sense of chastity? I can’t understand it at all.”

I’d been misunderstood countless times before. But this… honestly, it really hit home.

　Being dumped would have been one thing.

But had I really done something to deserve being spoken to like that?

I couldn’t hold myself back.
When I grabbed her by the collar and pulled her close, Kaori looked at me with eyes like a scolded puppy.

What exactly do you want me to do?

I’ll never understand what you’re thinking, trying so desperately to interfere when you clearly have no intention of accepting me.

　I’d vaguely sensed Kaori was preoccupied.
Whatever inner conflict she faced, I couldn’t fathom it.

But when a drunk Kaori suddenly turned up at my place, I knew immediately something had happened.

A bouquet in a paper bag.
Her eyes were wet as she looked at me, the corners reddened, her eyeliner smudged and blurred with tears. What on earth had possessed her to accept this?

Pinned down as if clinging to me, the sight of you holding me while crying silently was too heartbreaking.

Though we have countless feelings we wish to convey, we, half-grown adults, half-children, can only confirm each other’s outlines by hurting one another.

But no matter how deeply we touch each other’s insides, without exchanging words, we cannot reach each other’s hearts.

　My body pressed against the floor creaked, and my bitten back ached.

Seeing you there, eyes reddened like a stray dog, despair lodged in your pupils, I couldn’t even muster the will to be angry.

I love your eyes.
I have since the first time we met.

　I wiped the overflowing tears with my thumb.

“Why aren’t you angry? After doing something so awful?”

“…Because you look more miserable than I do.”

When I told you that, the way your eyes looked straight at me made me feel like you’d finally found me.

　＊＊＊

“I’m home.”

I opened the door to my flat, my body utterly exhausted. Friday night.
It’s only now I realise it, but Manager Yamazato, handling that workload on reduced hours, is a monster.

　I realised it after taking over her duties. The workload is simply too much.
Isn’t it incredible she could manage it all with that cheerful smile and calm demeanour?
No wonder she’s the company’s top climber. It makes perfect sense. Manager Yamazato might even reach executive level someday.

My home, usually gloomy, felt bright today.
Opening the living room door, I found Kaori sitting solemnly on the sofa, waiting for me.

“…What are you doing?”

“…Acutely realising my own incompetence.”

“Huh?”

What on earth is she talking about?

I was the one who told her to go home first and handed her the keys.

When Kaori hesitated about staying behind, I persuaded her to leave by saying, “Having my subordinates work overtime lowers my evaluation.”

　Of course, I didn’t say she could leave because she was useless; I only said it because I thought I could manage tidying up alone.

I ruffled Kaori’s hair, where she sat with her brow furrowed as if the world were ending.

“What are you doing? Stop it!”

“Why are you so down? I’ll make dinner straight away, cheer up.”

“Being with you makes me feel like I’ve become a useless, freeloading woman! It’s painful! Stop spoiling me like this!”

I laughed as Kaori shook off my hand.

It’s precisely because I know she’s trying her best, clumsy as she is, that I find her endearing. But saying that might just add fuel to the fire, so I kept quiet.

I wanted to say, “You’re the one who’s better at work,” but that didn’t seem to be what Kaori was getting at.

“Hey, teach me how to cook.”

“Ehh… you really don’t have to push yourself. I mean, I’m not the type who can just say ‘It’s delicious!’ and eat burnt hamburgers or anything.”

“I know that! But I hate just being taken care of all the time!”

“…Well, alright then. Let’s go out for dinner tomorrow. Will you treat me?”

　I’d meant it as a joke, but Kaori nodded with a serious look.

She’s got a surprisingly cute side to her, you know.

I kissed Kaori as she crouched down to sit on the sofa. She wrapped her arms around my neck and forcefully slipped her tongue inside my mouth.

The kiss was surprisingly passionate. Huh? I thought.

　Oh dear, I’m starving, you know. What if she pins me down like this? Even as I thought that, I just sucked on Kaori’s tongue. There was a faint smell of tobacco.

“…Hey, Kaori, if you feel like it, quit smoking, will you?”

“Oh, sorry. Did I smell of smoke?”

“It’s not that. Live a long life, for my sake.”

When I said it with a smile, Kaori’s eyes widened in surprise.

　Kaori doesn’t exactly have loads of money, nor is she particularly well-off.

Would you say she’s always emotionally stable? …Not really her type.

Still, I couldn’t help being drawn to her.

Conclusion. Love couldn’t be reasoned out.

Even so, right now, I feel like I can grasp happiness this time.

Ultimately, it just means I wasn’t clever enough to lie to my own heart.