Episode 12: Once You’re Married, Can You Really Be Happy?

‘You know, they say no news is good news, but couldn’t you at least give me a call now and then?’

During my lunch break, taking a smoke on the rooftop, a sudden call came in. It was my mother. Hearing her voice after so long, it was so full of dissatisfaction and sharpness that I instinctively pulled my ear away from the phone.

“I’ve only just changed companies, and work’s been so busy I haven’t had time for that sort of thing…”

It’s been seven years since I left home to move to Tokyo for university.

When I’d first moved away, I used to go back to my parents’ house quite often. But now that I’m settled into living alone, going back feels like a chore. Whenever I have time off, I’d rather sleep in, and I haven’t been back at all lately.

‘Anyway, can you come back next weekend? Yu-chan says she wants you to meet someone… apparently she’s bringing a nice person along.’

“Eh? A nice person? Yu’s getting married? No way, isn’t that a bit early!? She’s only twenty-four!”

Hearing this sudden news about my younger sister’s marriage, she’s two years my junior, I nearly dropped my cigarette.
Why on earth, marriage…? She’s only just finished university, surely she’s still in the prime of her youth.

As I leaned forward involuntarily, my mother said calmly,

‘Yu-chan, has always said she wanted children early, hasn’t she? If that’s how you feel, it’s not really that early. You should start looking for someone nice yourself soon.’

It was a line I should have been used to hearing. Normally, I could have laughed it off, saying how hardly anyone gets married that young around here.
But now, those words pierced my chest far deeper than I could have imagined.

　Unaware that I couldn’t retort, my mother continued without pause.

‘Speaking of which, I know I say this every time, but you’re twenty-six and still don’t cook for yourself? Are you sure you don’t want me to send some rice?’

I started to say ‘No, thanks’ like I always did, but stopped myself.
Because at that moment, I remembered the face of my colleague, the one who’s always sniping but is actually a brilliant cook.

＊＊＊

“I’m really grateful, but honestly, there’s no way I can carry all this back at once!”

When I received the cardboard box packed full of rice sent from my parents’ house, it was so heavy I couldn’t move it from the entrance hall.
I did ask them to send some, but they didn’t have to send this much.
Seeing the mountain of rice asserting its presence right in the entrance to my flat, Seno-san laughed so hard she was holding her stomach.

“You should cook for yourself, Kaori. It’s a blessing to have your parents send you rice. Don’t tell me you don’t even have a rice cooker?”

“I do have one, sort of. The one I used when I was a student. But cooking just for one portion is so inefficient. And it doesn’t taste good when I make it myself.”

After I finished speaking, Seno-san wiped the corners of her eyes, teary from laughing so hard, and peered at my face.

“Hmm. So you had this sent for me, then?”

That observation made me flinch involuntarily and avert my gaze.

“No, it’s just my mum keeps nagging me to cook. I can’t use it all myself, so I thought you could have it. If it’s too much to carry back, I can send it by courier.”

“No, no. I’ll take whatever I can carry when I come next time. No need to send it.”

When I come next time, eh.
As if this relationship were destined to continue as a matter of course, Seno-san said.
And every time I heard those words, somewhere deep inside, I felt reassured.

I understood this relationship wouldn’t last long.

I think she likes me. But it’s hard to believe she likes me in a romantic sense.

Even though you had an ex-girlfriend…
Did you never see me from the start?

It feels like a sharp needle has pierced the softest part of my heart.

Since I’m being toyed with anyway, I suppose I could just find someone else and see them at the same time. But I didn’t feel capable of such dexterity.

“You’ve got nothing in the house? If you’d said, I could’ve cooked when I came over.”

She headed to the kitchen, opening the fridge with practised ease and peering inside as she spoke.
I stared blankly at her retreating back.

“Inside the fridge… just water and alcohol, eh? Honestly, Kaori, you’re like a guy.”

Yeah, maybe I am “like a guy”.
But I’m not a guy.

　I stepped closer and tried hugging her from behind. Parting her soft hair with my nose, I buried my face in the nape of her neck and drew in her sweet scent, filling my chest.

Just holding her soft body in my arms was enough to make my brain abandon all thought. It was truly frustrating, but I couldn’t think of anything else but her.

“Kaori? …What’s wrong all of a sudden?”

I’d expected a sharp retort, but instead came a surprisingly gentle voice. I heard the quiet click of the fridge door closing.

That day, I never did manage to guess her perfume, and I still don’t know the identity of this scent.

But this sweet, feminine fragrance always seeps deep into my heart.

　Before meeting this girl, my heart was always stable, pure white.

After graduating university, I turned twenty-six without ever having a proper relationship. It wasn’t that I never felt lonely at night, but I didn’t dislike those peaceful days where nothing ever unsettled me.

“Hey, Kaori.”

A sigh escaped me as her hand gently stroked the back of mine, which was holding hers.
　Oh dear, really… Why did it have to turn out like this?

“Is something wrong?”

Even though you’re always snapping at me, please don’t speak to me in such a gentle voice.
Nothing’s wrong. I’m just lost. Just confused.

“…I’m going back to my parents’ place soon. My sister’s getting married, apparently.”

“Oh, congratulations. Isn’t that wonderful?”

“Not at all. She’s only twenty-four, right? It’s far too soon. And if my sister beats me to it, I’ll definitely be grilled about whether there’s absolutely no one decent back home… Ugh, I don’t want to go. This is why I hate the countryside.”

When I complained in a weak voice, Seno-san chuckled softly.

“I do understand how you feel. I used to vaguely think I’d like to get married in my twenties too.”

“So that’s why you spent every weekend at matchmaking parties?”

“Well, part of it was because I’d just split up with him and was feeling reckless…”

Seno-san laughed, sounding rather self-deprecating. Then a sudden question popped into my head.

“Hey… when did you actually break up with your boyfriend?”

“Why do you ask?”

“Just tell me. You’re not going to tell me you were overlapping, are you? If I was being used as a fling, that’s not funny at all.”

“…Just before Kaori and the others joined this company.”

“No way! I can’t believe it, that was just recently!”

I couldn’t help but look up at her accusingly. Seno-san looked away from me, clearly uncomfortable.

“But hey, you weren’t overlapping, so what’s the big deal? If you start worrying about such trivial things, you’ll never be popular.”

　Even if it wasn’t overlapping, people don’t change their feelings so easily.
The pain of a broken heart doesn’t heal that quickly, especially when it’s a breakup with someone you considered marrying.

So, that day when this woman invited me out, I was unexpectedly confronted with the fact that she’d never had any special feelings for me at all. I was hurt, against my will.

“That’s not the point…”

I was so deeply unsettled and troubled by it all, yet this woman? She was merely using me to vent her frustration over breaking up with that man.

A dull ache settled deep in my chest.
I tightened my grip on her body, squeezing her tightly against me. I could feel Seno-san’s body tense up.

“Hey, Kaori, you’re crushing me.”

　Ignoring her protest, I pressed my weight into her, shoving her body hard against the fridge.
A dull thud sounded as her knee must have hit something, making the fridge shake.

“Ouch! What…?”

My heart hurts more than that. All of this is your fault.

She wants to get married.
Even though she can love both men and women, she intends to choose a man in the end.
　So she never had any intention of dating me, a woman, from the start.
I know that, but I can’t bring myself to let go of this warmth now.

I can’t move forward anymore, nor can I turn back.

I finally understand.
I wanted to be her ‘special’ one.
That’s why I was hurt so easily. Because I was confronted with the fact I wasn’t ‘special’.

This purely physical relationship, it’s far too hollow.

“…If we got married, would we really be happy?”

“Eh?”

“It’s just a piece of paper with a stamp on it. What exactly changes? Can you really be happy just from that…?”

Listening to the dull hum of the refrigerator, I waited quietly for her reply.

“Well, I don’t know. I’ve never been married myself.”

I closed my eyes.
　Would the day ever come when I longed for this scent, this softness?
Holding a body I was only permitted to touch now, turning a blind eye to my unfulfilled heart, this was nothing but mutual self-soothing.

“…You should say congratulations. Meeting someone you love enough to want to marry is a wonderful thing, I think.”

“I know…”

　Would you feel the same when you get married?
Could I even say “congratulations” to you then?
Just imagining that moment makes my heart grow dim and cloudy.

“Hey Kaori, let go now. This position is getting rather uncomfortable.”

Two grown women clinging to the fridge, what on earth are we doing? Calmly, laughter bubbles up inside me.
But I wanted to stay like this just a little longer.

“…I’m feeling down, so comfort me.”

I slipped my hand gently inside her top. Seno-san’s shoulder jerked.

“Just a moment…”

Ignoring her flustered voice, my hand found its target without hesitation, my palm boldly cupping her ample breast.
The weight I felt in my palm, a weight I myself lacked. I think I understand why so many men prefer women with large breasts. Yeah, it’s soothing.

“It’s fine. Didn’t I comfort you the other day? Remember we ended up doing it twice after that? My fingers nearly cramped up.”

I pointed that out, conveniently ignoring the fact that I’d been satisfied by that sex too.

“…Then shall I do it for you today?”

“No. Today I want to torment you and vent my frustrations.”

I pressed my lips to her neck and sucked hard.

“Hey… wait, did you just leave a mark!?”

It was the first time in my life I’d ever wanted to leave a love bite on someone.
I didn’t know if anyone else slept with her like this.
But I even thought it might be better if someone found out.

　I wanted to leave a mark on this body, proof of my existence.

“Kaori, let go. You’re not seriously thinking of doing this here?”

“Doesn’t this kind of thing get you excited sometimes? Shall we try tying your hands or something?”

“You’re joking, right? I really don’t have that kind of kink!”

Pinning Seno-san’s body, which resisted in confusion, against the refrigerator, I slid my thigh between hers and pushed her up.

Even if our heights are similar, I’m definitely the fitter one. I work out at the gym all the time. There’s no way those spindly arms of her could ever shake me off.
When she turned around, she looked at me as if she’d seen something unbelievable.

　Her breathing quickened, occasional sighs escaping her, painful yet sweet.

I’d never done this standing up, let alone from behind, so I felt my way cautiously.
It seemed to reach much deeper than I’d imagined, for Seno-san pulled her hips back as if fleeing.

Through the gap in her half-slid-down top, I could see goosebumps rising on her shoulder.

　Ah, so this feels good? I should remember this. I made a small mental note in the back of my mind.

I’m such a simple creature… In the end, this woman took not just my body, but my heart too. It’s too late to regret it now.

I resigned myself. There was no escaping this feeling now.

Holding her body close – a body that, no matter how well I knew it, would never truly be mine – I thought about that.

　It was the first time I’d pushed things so forcefully, but her reaction hadn’t been as bad as I’d feared.

But after it was all over,

“You finished rather quickly today, didn’t you?”

When I casually pointed this out, she flushed bright red, glared at me with teary eyes, and delivered a vicious elbow to my ribs, leaving me crouched in the kitchen, unable to move for a while.