Episode 11: There’s no point denying who you are

She must have known full well that wanting fried chicken was just an excuse.
Perhaps it was her kindness that kept Seno-san from pressing the point.

Every inch of Seno-san’s body carries that sickly sweet scent.
It asserts her femininity with such intensity it’s almost overwhelming, and every time I catch that fragrance, I’m always left bewildered.

　Of course, she wasn’t a man in any way. Not her slender arms, her body, the texture and scent of her skin, or her voice.

When we were in the same bed, it felt like soaking in lukewarm water. There was this perfect temperature that never quite reached the point of feeling too hot.

“…What is that smell?”

Burying my face in the nape of her neck, I asked. Seno-san’s finger pointed towards the dressing table in the corner of the room.

“It’s in there. Have a guess. Now then, which bottle could it be?”

In the dimly lit room, I squinted and scanned the perfume bottles lined up side by side. But honestly, I couldn’t tell one from the next.

“That’s why I’m asking you!”

“You don’t wear perfume, do you, Kaori?”

“Well, if it mixed with the smell of cigarettes, it’d be absolutely dreadful, wouldn’t it?”

Her fingertips gently stroked the edge of my ear.
In the room lit by the bedside lamp, we never voiced our feelings, seeking only each other’s warmth.

“You should just quit smoking.”
“Why on earth should I?”

“A kiss that tastes of cigarettes is the worst, isn’t it?”

Well, you’re one to say.
We’ve never even kissed once.
Feeling awkward at her bringing up a subject I didn’t want touched, I bit down on her protruding collarbone, trying to cover it up.

“…Kaori, you’ve got used to it and got better, haven’t you?”

I hear a teasing, chuckling voice.

“So I was rubbish at first?”

“I didn’t say rubbish, did I? Well, you weren’t exactly good, mind.”

I gave a wry smile at her raucous laughter.
It was only fair, really. I’d never slept with a woman before, and you knew that when you invited me. We were both in the same boat.

　Her moist eyes fixed on me, her palm caressing my cheek. Her thumb brushed my lips.
Feeling her gaze, I couldn’t look away from her feverish eyes.

“It’s all my fault Kaori’s become into women now, you know.”

Hold on. I never said I was into women.
Just as I parted my lips to protest, Seno-san’s thumb slipped lightly into my mouth, silencing me in surprise.

“…If I imagined Kaori with another woman, I might get a little jealous.”

She murmured it, almost chewing the words, and I gasped.

“…What was that?”

I tried to cover it up with a dry laugh, but within my arms, Seno-san smirked meaningfully, her lips curling.

I started to say, I wouldn’t do something like this with anyone but you, but stopped myself.

Reality weighed heavily upon me.
The very fact I was thinking such things meant I was—

“Kaori.”

I snapped back to attention at the sound of my name.

“…Lately, Niiyama-san keeps inviting me out. Wonder why?”

Her piercing gaze shot through my heart like an arrow. Her fingertips traced my throat, making me feel as if a blade were pressed against me.

“…Hey, you said something to Niiyama-san, didn’t you?”

The fingertips that had reached between my collarbones suddenly withdrew, only to grab my neck as if to strangle me.
　Though the pressure wasn’t strong, it felt like I couldn’t breathe.

“I didn’t say anything.”

I did say to slap her cheek with a wad of cash.
But that was a joke… I only ever encouraged her to court her once, at the celebration party.
Even when asked about her type, I never once said I’d “support” her.

“Hmm… So, Kaori, then.”

Her fingers tightened, lightly constricting my neck. The pressure from her fingertips on my carotid artery made it hard to breathe, and I couldn’t help but furrow my brow.

“If I were to start seeing Niiyama-san… would you still want to keep our relationship going like this?”

Why was she asking such a thing? I disliked this aspect of her. She never reveals her own hand, yet she tries to probe the depths of others’ hearts without a shred of consideration.

Her dark brown eyes fixed on me. I took a small breath to hide my unease, then exhaled with a sigh.

Sorry, but I can’t just keep letting you play me like this.

“…Are you the type who sleeps with someone else even when you’re in a relationship?”

　When I countered her question with one of my own, Seno-san’s eyes widened briefly before she gave a faint smile.

“Well, I wonder…”

Those eyes, dull and gleaming in the darkness. Knowing she was trying to evade me was infuriating, so I shook off the hand that was gripping my neck.
It hadn’t been gripping very tightly, so it came away easily. I forced her hand down onto the bed.

　Please, just be quiet.
Don’t try to invade my heart any further.

“I… I suppose I’d dislike it if you had someone else. Being treated as a fling? It feels like defeat, doesn’t it? It’s frustrating.”

I laughed at her typically arrogant tone, pretending not to notice the lingering uncertainty within me, and pressed my lips to the nape of her neck.

　＊＊＊

“…You know, I said I was going to university to continue club activities, but that was just an excuse. The truth is, I wanted to go to the same university as the senior I liked.”

I murmured quietly. I knew Seno-san, lying naked beside me, was looking at me.
Seeing her face, Seno-san frowned, looking thoroughly disgusted.

“…No way, Kaori? You’re that much of a romantic? I’m a bit shocked.”

I’d thought she’d laugh it off, but seeing how utterly put off she seemed, I laughed myself.

“But you know, just when I thought I’d followed her and got in, he’d got a girlfriend. It was a bloody awful memory.”

“Ah… that bloke, he was dating the manager, wasn’t he? Yeah, constantly having that shoved in your face would be rough.”

“I’m the type who can do pretty much anything quite skilfully, but when it comes to being the best, that’s a different story. No matter what I do, there’s always someone better. So I’d give up halfway, make excuses… I guess I just got into the habit of running away.”

Probably, even now, that hasn’t changed. I’ve kept looking away from the feelings I have for you.
Even though I know there’s no point in keeping things vague and dragging it out.

“Was he really that great? Still unforgettable?”

“Nah? It’s not like I can’t forget her. I’ve had boyfriends since then.”

“Oh… Hey, what kind of guy do you like, Kaori?”

Seno-san chuckled amusedly and tugged lightly at my arm.

“No way, I don’t want to say. You’d just make fun of me, wouldn’t you?”

“What’s that supposed to mean? I wouldn’t make fun of you. You could tell me, couldn’t you? What sort of men have you dated so far?”

I stared straight into those eyes. If you ask like that, I want to ask too. About your romantic history, which is probably too numerous to count.

“…And you, then? Which have you dated more of, men or women?”

It was a simple question.
I hadn’t expected an answer, but Seno-san replied without hesitation.

“Men, obviously. The odds of meeting a woman who likes women are lower.”

“When you realised you liked women too, was it easy to accept?”

I must admit I hesitated slightly, wondering if it was proper to ask, but curiosity got the better of me and the words slipped out.
She looked momentarily surprised that I’d shown interest, but once she realised I wasn’t mocking her, she spoke quietly.

“Hmm… I didn’t agonise over it too much, I suppose. Honestly, I was a bit sceptical at first, but when I tried dating a girl, it just felt right. That’s when I realised, ah, so this is who I am. Feelings aren’t something you can control, you know. There’s no point denying who you are.”

True. If it were something I could control, I wouldn’t have reached out to this woman in the first place.

But, but still.

“Why go out of your way to date women? You don’t have to choose the thorny path yourself. Dating men is the norm, so if you’re not exclusively attracted to women, wouldn’t it be better to choose a man?”

　I know. That’s just me telling myself that.

“…My ex-girlfriend used to say similar things. Because I could also like men, she’d corner me every time we argued, saying, ‘Rei, you’ll definitely choose a man someday, won’t you?’ To be honest, it made me sick. Don’t you think it’s strange? I was telling her I liked her, right there in front of her, but just because I could also like men, she wouldn’t believe my feelings. I thought it was her who feared that women couldn’t promise forever.”

Her voice was calm, utterly detached, almost dismissive. As if recounting memories she’d rather forget, her eyes seemed lost in the distant past.

“It’s true, dating a man is incredibly easy. That’s undeniable. You don’t need to hide it from anyone, you can walk arm-in-arm openly. Nobody bats an eyelid, right? You don’t have to worry about unnecessary things. Kaori, you’d understand if you tried dating a woman.”

“…Impossible. Dating a woman? I don’t feel romantic attraction towards my own sex.”

Was that truly the case?
Even as I said it, my own words felt unreliable and wavering.

“Really? But… even dating men doesn’t always work out.”

“…Why didn’t it work out with your ex?”

“…He earned less than me and had no savings. He changed jobs constantly, never sticking with anything long-term. If we’d just been dating, that might have been fine. He was incredibly kind, even if he had no money. But when he proposed… I realised marrying her would mean a lifetime of hardship. Suddenly, I felt completely calm. The wave just receded. Even though I’d loved her so much. …Do you think I’m heartless?”

“…Isn’t that normal? Nobody wants hardship.”

Just as I couldn’t bring myself to acknowledge this feeling for so long. Being afraid of an uncertain future… that’s only natural.

“Kaori… you said before that you didn’t mind if her income was lower than yours, didn’t you?”

“Did I?”

“Yes. I was a bit envious, you know. The way you could say that without hesitation… it made you seem so dazzling to me.”

So this was what Seno-san meant by “hellish memories”. That guy in the grey sweatshirt. Was it a love serious enough to consider marriage?

　I never imagined my offhand remark back then would have reopened her old wound.

“…You’ve got a pretty face, at least. You’ll find someone nice again soon enough.”

Not knowing what else to say, I offered a bland response. Seno-san stared at me, then flashed a slightly wounded, complex smile.

“…Just my face? My personality’s cute too, isn’t it?”

“At least the you I know has no charm whatsoever. How about showing a little modesty? Put some underwear on, for goodness’ sake.”

As I tried to cover her lustrous naked body with the futon, Seno-san stopped my hand.

“Blimey!”

Just as I thought she’d suddenly sat up, she climbed onto my lap completely naked, so I looked up at her in shock.
She swept her long hair back over her shoulders as if it were bothersome, then looked down at me and smiled.

I found myself staring, captivated by her perfectly proportioned body illuminated by the dim light.

“Wh-what?”

“Kaori, you don’t know how to comfort a woman. That’s why you’re not popular. Your features aren’t bad, it’s such a waste.”

“When did I ever say I wanted to be popular with women?! I don’t need to know how to comfort a woman!”

“Then at least learn how to comfort me.”

She took my hand and gently bit my fingertips.

“…How exactly am I supposed to comfort you?”

“Even after all this, you still don’t get it? You’re thick.”

I looked up at her, smiling defiantly.
It was frustrating, but she really was beautiful, this woman.
Even after everything that’d happened, my hand reached out, unable to stop itself.

A woman’s body is so slender. Yet soft. And inside, it’s hot enough to melt.

　Skin touching skin alone makes our bodies cling together, sucking us close.
It’s nothing like embracing a man’s rough, rugged frame.

“…Aren’t you… unsatisfied?”

“Wh-what…?”

“Are you really enjoying this?”

Despite her body knowing men, can she truly be satisfied by these two slender fingers and my clumsy movements?
　As I asked her anxiously, perched on my lap, Seno-san gave a soft laugh and bit my earlobe.

“Does it look like I’m not?”

“…I don’t know.”

I don’t know. Not at all. I don’t know a single thing about you. Closing my eyes, I rubbed against her neck, and Seno-san pulled me tightly against her.

“…What’s missing? Nothing feels lacking. There’s nothing missing.”

Tears threatened to spill.

Why did I feel comforted?

Could it really be true that nothing was missing? I possessed nothing she desired.

Not wanting to expose my weakness, I clung to her body once more, clutching her tightly as if to deceive myself.