“Today too?”
“Yes, today too.”

The day I went to buy underwear and loungewear for Amamiya Tōru. And the day after that, when I overslept on the train and panicked about various things, but made it home safely and expressed my gratitude to my parents for their daily support.
Ever since then, Amamiya Tōru had seemed somehow off.
The next day too. And the day after that as well.
　Lately, almost every day after school, I’ve been spending money on her.
The amounts vary —sometimes five thousand yen, sometimes ten thousand. Occasionally, it’s only a thousand yen. Each time I pay, I get a hug or a pseudo-date, experiencing various forms of return.
On the thousand-yen day, during our after-school pseudo-date, Amamiya Tōru fed me a parfait with an “open wide”.

But nothing more than that has happened yet.

　The most I’ve ever given her is ten thousand yen. I’ve never handed over more than that.
So the most I’ve ever received in return is a hug. I think that kiss on the cheek she gave me on the first day was truly her own special service.
Having hoped that at least a kiss on the cheek would come with ten thousand yen, the disappointment when nothing happened was huge.
I’m sure that if I want that sort of thing, I won’t be satisfied unless I give her a correspondingly higher amount.

　That’s something I’ve gradually come to realise recently.
Conversely, by the time I understood this, I’d already been giving her money for about three weeks.

I want to do more to get something in return, to draw out some emotion from Amamiya Tōru.
The fact that she occasionally acts affectionate towards me when we’re alone together is good proof. She’s changing. Her expression is still the same, but her attitude is softening.
I want to take another step forward here.
　But after three weeks of continuously handing money over to someone, what would happen was obvious.

My money was practically gone.

At this rate, before I could mould her, she’d give up on me and go off with someone else.
Even the New Year’s money I’d saved without ever spending would be gone if this continued. Spending alone meant it would eventually run out, so I had to increase it too.

　That’s why I absolutely had to attend to something today.

“Sorry, I’ve got something to do today…”
“Something to do?”
“Yes.”
“……No. You’re giving me money today too, Mashiro.”
“But no—”

“——No. I don’t know what that ‘something’ is, but Mashiro is staying with me today.”

　With unwavering resolve, Amamiya Tōru clearly had no intention of allowing me to prioritise anyone but her today.
On the surface, it looked exactly like the kind of exchange between a dating couple. But we weren’t that kind of relationship, and I’d never once wanted us to be lovers. Before that thought could even form, the fact that “we’re the same sex” always acted as an insurmountable barrier.
So I couldn’t even imagine it. A future where I was her lover, and she was mine.

　Even if Amamiya Tōru herself desired such a relationship…

“I don’t even know if I should ask, but what’s this business? Hanging out with someone else, or something?”

I’m at a loss for how to answer Amamiya Tōru’s question.
It’s not about hanging out. Ultimately, this connects back to maintaining our current relationship. But if I tell her the truth, she’ll find out I’m broke and abandon me.

……………….

　Would she abandon me?

I wonder if she thinks about discarding me the moment I can’t pay her anymore. The thought that neither of us wants to believe this is purely a transactional relationship had been in my mind —indeed, it was all I’d been thinking about lately.
And yet, deep down, I hadn’t changed one bit.

　Somewhere, from the very beginning, I hadn’t trusted Amamiya Tōru one hundred per cent.

Only now am I made aware of that.
By myself.

I don’t want to be separated from her anymore.
Or rather, even if it weren’t Amamiya Tōru.
Once I’ve formed a relationship like this with someone, I don’t want to be separated. I don’t want to be discarded.
And interacting with people while harbouring such thoughts is terribly exhausting. It wears down my heart, so I prefer to be alone as much as possible.

　That was supposed to be my philosophy. Mine, as a woman.

But despite my doubts, I drew close to another woman named Amamiya Tōru.
I got involved with her.
I don’t want to be discarded. I don’t want to be abandoned.

For that, I still need money.
I have to earn it.

My thoughts go back and forth in my head, tangling up, making me feel like I’m going mad.

But one thing is clear to me now.

　I have already begun to depend on Amamiya Tōru.